Micah Baby

Our youngest grandson is usually referred to as "Micah Baby". He is a special guy. Nancy spent the summer picking out his name. It felt like Nancy waited to "pass her baton" to him before heading home August 30.

The hope of his life will often co mingle with the tears we all shed the day they met. And yet. And yet. HE will not let us linger in sorrow forever. After all Micah has a lifetime to live.

Today he was baptised. The service concluded with the song, "Blessed Be the Name," a song we sang at Nancy's funeral. Walking with my grand kids takes me on a road beyond grief. That road includes memories of HIS faithful care in the past, even as we press on toward the higher calling.

Join me in praying that Micah always walks with the One his Amma loved so well.

Graduation Time

Helping a friend prepare to host her daughter's high school graduation party triggered lots of memories. It took me back to leaving Rossville High in 1971. What anticipation, what hope, what fear. The world was about to open up. Where was the journey headed? Who would I walk with? That night I had no idea.

A few weeks ago I graduated from the valley of grief. A new journey has begun. Many new possibilities exist. Many new roads await exploration. Traveling companions are in place. Still, it is thrilling,exhilarating frightening and fun to take these steps. My ultimate comfort is that Jesus still walks with me. The One who is before all things, and in whom all things hold together sets the pace. And He remains the same: yesterday, today and forever. Let's set sail!

waiting in the wings

In less than an hour, we will dispatch seven young people off to their WHM internships, having spent the day preparing them for this adventure. Who knows where they are headed?? I can't say for sure, but I do know that, thirty two years in to this radical journey, the road will be glorious.

So, today I pass the baton to them. Still, I am mindful there are more races to run!

The Glory Road

David wrote the following words when he was pursued by King Saul:

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,

for in you my soul takes refuge;

in the shadow of your wings

I will take refuge

until the destroying storms pass

Psalm 57:1

There have been moments of living out these words during our journey. Sometimes we just had to rest in HIM while the storm raged. In such a stormy season we found that HE was always merciful. That mercy kept HIS purposes for us intact. It included taking care of us for our good.

There has always been a deeper purpose accomplished through HIS rescue and reconciliation. That purpose led David to cry out:

"Be exalted, O God, above the the heavens.

Let your glory be over all the earth."

(verse 11)

Our journey was always meant to bring HIM fame. As hard as it was Nancy and I believed that HIS fame was spreading to others as the storm raged on.

Now I prepare to walk in a more pleasant plain. I walk with others. It is good to walk this smooth path just now. Nevertheless, I/we will walk for HIS glory whether through blue skies or stormy weather.

Dreaming the Journey Onward

Our WHM work day included setting our house in order to receive the first group of interns headed overseas. This summer we will deploy 20 young adults on six of our fields. Our prayer is that some of these folks will become infected with a desire to take the gospel into hard places all over the world.

Who knows where those budding dreams will lead? Thirty-two years ago a desire to visit Europe took this farm kid to Dublin on a summer mission trip. Now I dare to dream radical dreams on behalf of the next generation. Yes, the journey continues by putting others on the road to who knows where.

Jack Extends Our Journey

Our staff prayer meeting was enlivened by a bouncy 18 month old. Jack Foster joined his parents JJ and Susan to give us a report on their life as WHM staff serving in Spain. We appreciated hearing from Mom and Dad, but Jack stole the show as he moved around our conference room running from one person to the next. We were all caught in the peace and joy that this youngster showed in roaming about the place.

Jack is a wonder child. His mom became pregnant with him only weeks after asking a number of WHM folks to pray that she could conceive and carry a child to full term. That meeting was the last time Nancy and I were with JJ and Susan. Once more I am reminded that, while our chapter has closed, the story continues in the simple play of a little boy.

Hope and Sorrow Foreshadow Joy

This past Saturday I drove to Richmond to celebrate one of the fastest trips home anyone ever took. Baby Gabrielle Ruth Shaffer passed through this earth on May 20, returning to the Father the same day she visited this earth.

God's Word filled this service. I was most struck by this promise from Isaiah 65:

They will not toil in vain

or bear children doomed to misfortune

for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,

they and their descendants with them.

Before they call I will answer;

while they are still speaking I will hear.

We will always know sorrow along this earthy road. But that sadness is tinged with hope for those who know Him. Someday the sorrow will give way to unrestrained eternal joy when his people all arrive Home.

Death of Beauty/Birth of Beauty

Nine months ago today I woke up to blue sky and chirping birds. Nine months ago today I woke up in a room with Nancy for the last time. That day included the sad beauty of our last few hours together. Then she went Home.

This morning began beautifully. Sunlight flooded my room. Birds sang nearby. (Yes, even on Easton Road.) HE has created a new day. HE has opened up new paths to walk. Old friends walk along those paths with me. Important new ones as well. Nine months. They have given birth to a new life.

Speculations at Dusk

It's Thursday night. My sinuses are throbbing. Teddie and I are hanging out alone. And I start speculating about a different kind of life.

• What it would be like to live a life without suffering?
• What would it be like not to fear?
• Never to be alone?
• Never to have to say goodbye to someone you love?
• Never to have to wait to realize a dream?
• Never to worry?
• Never to fail?
• Never to know sickness?

Yeah, then I return to reality. To the knowledge that each of these discomforts have driven me to seek HIS face with passion and urgency. And I reluctantly thank HIM for this hard path.

And ask HIM to come. Soon. But not 'til I learn to rejoice in all circumstances.

Family Solidarity

The journey out of the valley is never a solo trek. My kids and I walk this road together. This weekend they took some huge risks in affirming me as I move forward. In turn, I like to think that their bravery will help them travel forward without their mom. I know this: their quiet valor encourages me to press on, even while I make sure that we remain connected.

Risk/Reward Analysis

What if some of the efforts to stay out of the valley don't suceed? What if I stumble and fall along the way? After all, remaining in the valley was somehow safe because it didn't risk failure.

On the other hand, failing to try is failing. Some of my efforts to climb have led me to stumble and fall. Sometimes I crash into someone close by me on the road.Years ago a friend gave us a postcard with these words from Roy Hession:

"Jesus is not shocked at human failure;

rather He is at home in it, drawn by it,

knowing what do do about it,

for He in Himself and in His blood

is the answer to it all."

We often find the healing presence of Jesus in the shape of those He sends. Friends and my kids have been amazing. They have hung, wept with me, prayed for me, and listened to me. They have not left me alone. Together we have found Jesus who is whole and strong in the moments we feel most broken and weak. I am confident that HE will continue to walk beside me toward the future.

Pack up the Moving Van

I shall always remember the valley of tears, the road of mourning and sorrow. That place was my address for months.

Somehow, in mid winter, I began visiting other locations. There were hours spent in the plains of hope, even moments atop the mountains of joy and laughter. You see, when I transversed the valley of Bacca HE made it a place of springs(Ps. 84:6). Then, as I drank from those springs, I gained the strength to pursue new and hopeful paths again. Over time, sitting alone and weeping gave way to smelling the flowers and gazing at the stars.

My journey is now one of hope and opportunity. I am definitely living for the future again. Don't get me wrong; the shadow of the past looms large. I will always miss the friend of my youth. A piece of me has been lost somewhere along that bumpy avenue. But I don't live there any more.

Now I am pursuing a new address. I may even find the street soon. Then I will begin looking at house numbers. What will it look like to go "back to the future?" Who knows, but I am convinced the best is yet to come.

It's about HIS Fame

This morning a young woman within the WHM family is facing a procedure after the premature end of her pregnancy. The fact that she was not carrying a viable baby makes the outcome no less painful, no less stark, no less outrageous.

As we were praying for Katie this morning, I was suddenly struck with how timid most of my prayers seem. I pray for health and comfort and happiness for our family around the world. All that is good stuff. After all, we have a loving Heavenly Father who delights to hand out good gifts to his kids. So, I should ask away. Still, there is a deeper level of asking, a richer vein of ore to be mined. I found myself asking HIM to bring glory to Himself through our family, that we would make Him famous in sickness or in health, in happiness or in sorrow, in success or in failure.

You would think that I would just naturally go there in my petitions for myself and others. After 35 years of walking behind HIM. After the adventures of the last 18 months. As a friend and I try to climb out of the valley only to find ourselves covered in spider webs with no quick end in sight. You would think I would just surrender my agenda and run to HIM for marching orders. But that is just not the default setting of this selfish heart.

Still, the Spirit gently prompts me to "recalculate." And I remember to join Paul in praying that HE be exalted in my body whether by life or death. And I leave it to HIM to determine the highway of exaltation that I am to drive.

Finding Second Gear

The transmission of my soul has never had a "middle gear." I can remain in neutral, putter along in first, or go flat out.

When I see the road that is opening in front of me, I want to go 75 miles per hour. Since this part of the journey involves a course full of bumps, curves and uncharted terrain, I have to "proceed with prudence." In other words, I should find a middle gear.

Some days that feels tough. But a Tim Keller sermon recently reminded me that joy is found in yielding control to HIM. Thus, I must follow his directions at His time toward His future. But, O Lord, I so want to set my own course and speed. Hold me in check, for my good and Your Glory!

A Pioneer Ponders

Years ago I heard a special song while driving to a supporting church. "Pioneer" describes both the loneliness and the joy I find in being at the spearhead of ministry. It explains what it was like to lay the foundation for the work in Ireland. It captures my calling in returning to the WHM office when we were creating the infrastructure for sustainable overseas missions. It sings of the essence of what I have done in building new teams and launching missionaries toward the field.

Pioneer, pioneer

Keep pressing onward, beyond your fears

Only the Father goes before you

To your own frontier

You're a pioneer

You travel light, you travel alone

And when you arrive, nobody knows

But the Father in heaven, He's glad you can go

For those who come after you, will need the road.

What you have done others will do

Bigger and better and faster than you

But you can't look back

No, you gotta keep pressing through

There's a wilderness pathway

and it's calling you

So keep pressing onward--you can't stay here

Only the Father goes before you

to your own frontier--you're a pioneer

Nancy Honeytree

What does it now mean to be a 55 year old pioneer who has watched "my homestead" leveled this past year? A widower nine months into a new leg of the journey?? A guy who has never been that enlivened by routine who now contemplates vital new partnerships and intriguing possibilities??? Where does this old frontier scout go??

Only the Father goes before me to my own frontier--I'm a pioneer. Pray for me. I will keep you posted as the journey moves from the valley to the frontier.

Resting in HIs Love

Rebuilding this life sometimes seems overwhelming. It's been like walking into your garage and finding out that the engine in your car has been removed, disassembled and left on the work bench. Where do you start?

I still wonder what part of life I need to really "master" first. Work? Church? New Relationships? Old friendships? Family? Of course the answer to all of the above is "YES." That's why it's complicated.

But then there are moments of great clarity. When it's no more work than laying outside looking at the stars on a mild spring night. And I realize that the real answer comes in the moment when I rest in HIS love--however it is found.

Savage Joy Born From Sorrow

Tonight I joined brother elders in praying for a pilgrim headed home. Lacy appears to be nearing the final stretches of a long battle with cancer. She asked us to come to her home and pray and anoint her with oil.

I was honored to do so as she was part of a group of women who had come around Nancy once she was diagnosed with cancer. Now it was time to acknowledge the strange and special partnership that suffering yields.

Yes, it was challenging to walk into the valley once more. Watching Lacy squirm in pain brought me back to places of pain I would rather avoid. This is not what HE intended when HE spoke creation. I shouldn't have to watch this again. No one should have to experience this again.

Still, you go because there was never a place so dark that HE avoided. But there is more than stoic endurance to be found here. Somehow when HE shows up among suffering HIS peace flows over the pain. A mysterious "healing" happens. And there is fierce joy in the expectation that another weary traveller is about to find her race completed.

And you hear the crowded stadium resound again with cheers: "C'mon sister stay the course. You are almost there!!!"

Two Portraits of Love

At Calvary I encounter
My Creator
Mounting a Cross
Welcoming me.

A picture of sacrifice
Sketched in sorrow

Yesterday I hear
My KJ
Rising before dawn
Working a Breast Cancer walk.

A picture of sacrifice
Sketched in sorrow

Each embraces pain
On behalf of another
To show me how to love

Mother's Day Rembrance

Mother's Day

Thousands walk to remember those torn away from loved ones through the scourge of breast cancer. And for the first year someone walks in memory of Nancy. Today I rejoice that her race is run. Meanwhile, we walk on without her.

A Gentle Advance

A warm Friday night
The showers hang back

At the ballpark
With new friends

Great bbq from Bull
Fine adult beverages.

Cole Hamels is dealing.
Our boys are hitting
Another step is taken

Tonight the valley
Is more memory
Than it is reality.

Thanks Phillies and friends.

Work in Progress

The living room, dining room, and upstairs hallway are now painted, the wonderful "sycamore" color that we first applied years ago. But the house is not quite reassembled as there is a bit more to tackle. It is good to have the work under way. And so I don't mind that I am living in "a work in progress." It's just comforting to "see the progress" again.

Work in progress? That describes us, that describes you and me and all those who follow Jesus until the moment He calls us Home. Tonight many things remain only half done. The climb out of the valley is not yet over and traveling companions both old and new are helping me find a renewed zest for the pilgrimage. It is just good to know that He who began the good work in us will "finish the job" on His day.

Breaking Free of the Vicious Circles

For years we had talked about having insulation blown into the walls of our house. We knew that such a move would reduce the traffic noise from Easton Road as well as cut down on heating costs in winter. Finally we made the arrangements. The last week of November 2007 the crew bored a number of holes into the walls facing the exterior of the house and blew in the insulation. The holes were covered over by little Styrofoam circles. No problem. We would paint the walls together at some point.

Nancy's cancer diagnosis that November 30 forestalled the project. "Why do this during the Christmas season," we thought. We'd tackle it after surgery. Then, after chemo. And then the sharp pain one year ago yesterday put the project on hold. Those white circles stared back at us. Mocking us. Crying out about a life interrupted, then a life terminated.

Finally this weekend we launched the repainting effort. Today Paul painted the living room. One more step in the climb out of the valley. Moving toward the future one stroke at time.

The Road to Travel

A year ago this morning Nancy woke up with a stabbing shoulder pain and a slight fever. It was the beginning of the end of her fight with cancer. Less than four months later we walked away from her grave. During those months I learned a lot about surrendering the one you love to the care of HIM who knows our greatest good.

How do those lessons impact my life these days? Less than twelve hours ago I had to let go of something I was "banking on" for the greater good of someone I cherish. A few years ago, I might have tried to get my way in such a stiuation through emotion, persuasion, or manipulation. But HE has taught me much about letting go of the small stuff in order to pursue the higher calling. So, gently (if reluctantly) I set aside my agenda and affirmed my friend's courageous decision.

This current path is sometimes confusing and chaotic. But then in an instant it gets real simple. I am called to walk a journey of love.

Taking the Heat for Partners

Last night a friend and I watched the movie "Fireproof". The film centered around a Fire Captain's journey to faith in Christ and reconciliation with his estranged wife. Unfolding that story took us through a couple of rescue scenes. Along the way, I was captured by the line, "Never leave your partner in a burning building."

This week I actually went into "burning rooms" to be with good partners. Both experiences were worth it. They brought opportunities to "bear one another's burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ." Both were paybacks for the way these folks had loved me while I was deep in the valley.

Yeah, we risk, and we run to our friends in need because that's what partners do. And we come out unscathed because HE has delivered us from the flames. Risk? Not Hardly. Blessing? You bet.

He Lives!

Reading through ACTS right now, I see the resurrection at the heart of every sermon. The apostles outfought, outlived and out died every other force on earth because they believed Jesus had conquered death.

As one of the first songs I encountered when I began following Jesus proclaimed, "Because HE lives, I can face tomorrow."I have walked these past eight months because HE lives. Tuesday I sat unafraid watching my friend's journey end on this earth because HE lives. I am exploring exciting options right now because HE lives. Wherever this journey takes me, I continue a real partnership with a Living Lord.

He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!!

I intend to keep it that simple.

Boys Night Out

Last night Josh and I went to see the Phillies play Washington. This was our first exclusive father/son trip to the ballpark in a couple of seasons. We were hoping to see Chase and the boys win their sixth straight against a hapless Nationals Nine. But after a 1st inning home run by Shane Victorino our bats fell silent. The home team lost 4-1. So, we experienced a disappointing outcome.


On the other hand, a baseball game is a wonderful platform to spend time with someone you love. Josh and I spent time discussing many topics including:

1. Grant request proposals
2. My love for preaching
3. Blogging
4. Spending time helping Roger arrive Home
5. Josh's sisters
6. My future
7. Buying a house while interests rates are low and government incentives are in place
8. My financial planner's confidence I can retire sometime even after the meltdown.
9. Chris Coste's hitting slump
10. Movies like "You've Got Mail" and "The Dark Knight."

Disappointing night? Not hardly. I was with my son who has become quite a man. No--the outcome was more than I could ever expected and far more than I deserve---but for HIS unfailing love.

A Friend Crosses the Finish Line

I will never forget yesterday. After a long rewarding weekend in Ohio, I headed into the office . Shortly after I got there, my friend Marc called to let me know that Roger was headed home. After checking with my boss, I jumped on the train downtown to be with him at the UPenn Hospice on Lombard Street. For the next 10 hours I hung out in his room as we walked my dear brother Roger most of the last mile in his six year fight with the Unwanted Visitor that ended Nancy's life last year.

It was agonizing. Once more I heard the labored, crackling noises that a person utters in their last hours of breathing. I remembered our nine month battle with cancer. I remembered the many miles we have walked with Roger and Karen since they welcomed us home from Ireland in 1992. I ached for the hours of grieving Karen was to face. And once more my soul raged against the insult of death.

It was glorious. I saw the fruit of this humble, loving man as friends, relatives and even a former student from Africa came to say farewell. The day was thus filled with stories, songs, scriptures and sobs. Roger was dying surrounded by those he had loved and served.

Once more I was able to use my loud voice for HIM, HE kept it steady so I could fill that room with His Promises from time to time. God led me to share many scriptures during that watch, including passages from Psalm 48 and 142 that had been impressed upon me during the passing of others whom I deeply loved.

Such a departure affirms the truth of the gospel. It also contrasted vividly with the other death occurring on the ward yesterday. We were walking Roger toward the Light, the other family was shrouded in dark gloom.

I had hoped to be with my brother when he left this earth. But it was not The Plan. Instead, I left the hospice at 9:30. Karen wanted quiet time with her best friend by then. That was only fitting. So, I left her there with Roger and three of the kids. Yet, I am thankful that he let me help Roger take the final steps. You see, when Jesus came for Roger just a couple of hours later, a friend and I were praying for the race to end. Again, that was fitting, we can walk one another to the Door, but in the end HE opens it for the fortunate one who is taken Home.

Well done, good and faithful servant. You ran a good race. As KJ said, "he is with my mommy." --and many others who loved him. Most importantly Roger sees the face of the One who loved him best of all. Roger, thanks for helping blaze the trail for us to follow in His good time.

Ohio Adventure

I spent the weekend at Harvest Church in Medina, Ohio just outside of Cleveland. I was there to encourage my brothers and sisters to press on in pursuit of the Grand Cause. Specifically they asked me to preach and teach to rally support for their partnership in the London Evangelism and Prayer Week. (LEAP). It was a truly a beautiful weekend with the temp past 80 and the trees blossoming on the town square.

But the beauty of the weekend came through spending time reminding HIS people that HE is writing a Grand Story on the pages of history. Today I thought of my old hero Barnabas who walked through the pages of Acts encouraging folks to "remain true to the Lord with all their hearts" like he did the Antioch Church in Acts 11:22-36. Truly, it is a joy to fill that role, to catch glimpses of new growth because Aslan is on the move!

By HIS grace unleashed by special prayer partnerships, I think HE showed up each of the four times I spoke. That will keep me stoked for the office meetings still to come this week.

Reaching the Roof

Three years ago I was wondering who would help Leah and Jonah climb out of the Valley of Abandonment. Then, God brought Chris into their life. Now they climb together. This photo shows the heights they are ascending.




As I continue my climb HE never lets me walk alone. Like my daughter, most of healing happens in community. So, much of this season is about the finding the tempo to walk in step along different paths and with new people. It takes unceasing communication and unending patience for all who share the journey.

work, walk, wait

Climbing, Climbing, Climbing.

That is the picture of this spring. Oh, there have been some wonderful views along the way. Rock formations, stair steps, sunsets, passed balls, paintings and partnerships dot the landscape. Still I have this sense of not being at a settled place. So, I continue the laundry, the early shopping, the new ways of relating that mark this season. I can't slip back, so the ascent continues. The "wins" come frequently these days. Some are as simple as laundering sweaters for the first time, others are too special to publish here. I catch glimpses of new and exciting vistas and want to press on to those new callings. But even these new adventures require a kind of retooling yet to be finished.


Of course, there is more than one misstep as I journey ahead. I absorb the advice, the questions, even the corrections of others along the trail. I am learning that rebuilding a life includes a strange combination of working very hard, and waiting as others process the direction of my climb. Pray that I can keep all this in balance.

What's gonna work? TEAMWORK!!

I have learned that you don't climb out of the valley alone. The sweetest moments of the climb from the valley of despair towward the cliffs and plains of hope have included others. As I told someone last night, I couldn't "heal alone."But therein lies the rub. It takes teamwork. Those who have come into the valley to find me must also confront the darkness and bear the pain on my behalf.

Also, I am not the only one who was thrust onto this path. As I mentioned earlier, the kids and grand kids are fellow pilgrims. And I must make sure that no child is left behind, even though we climb at different speeds and use different handholds in inching forward. My own efforts can't leave others alone in the valley. We must be as one striving for the sake of the gospel.

How do we stride in one step with all our different pains, hopes, needs and desires? Beans, I don't know. As we pray, the Father must show us the way.....join us in that petition!

Deepest Fears Fondest Hopes Link

Anyone who wants to hear yesterday's testimony can go to:
http://www.newlifeglenside.com/index.php?/resources/audio/series/acts/whats-new
The talk is actually posted as the beginning of Terrry Traylor's sermon. If you "begin listening to his sermon on Acts," you will hear my talk.

Make sense?

A Meaningful Sunset

This morning I was given the opportunity to address New Life Church about what walking Nancy Home taught me. Sustained by the prayers of many I was able to share how God sometimes weaves together our darkest fears with our strongest hopes so that we might experience HIS deepest love. It was a special time in which Nancy was remembered and HE was honored.

An audio link of the talk will be posted later. For now, I am thankful for all who walk this road with me and some who cheer me on from the upper deck.

Sunset, Sunrise

Yesterday evening I watched a spectacular sunset from Chiques Rock. The sun brilliantly and gradually faded away. Slowly a wonderful evening ensued!

Tomorrow morning will bring a different sort of sunset. At New Life Church I will share what God has been doing on this journey for the past year and a half. This will be the last Sunday Nancy's paintings will hang at the "Cloakroom Gallery." So, I am coming close to ending another part of the mourning phase of this journey.

Sunsets mark transition. Just so, tomorrow's sunset will lead into another part of the journey. I remain convinced that since HE travels this road with me, the best is yet to be.

It takes a family

Easter Egg Hunt, 2009


I remain so thankful for the kids who populated our journey. Leah remains a loving mom, and someone who is a mirror image of her dad. Josh's heart for hurting people propels him into Fairhill each day. KJ reflects the cooky, creative side of life.


They added five, soon to be six grandchildren to this walk. Yes, six Leah is pregnant!

Yet we are waiting to find out how to walk this road without Nancy. We still wonder what it is to do family without her. We grieve in different ways, at different paces. Yet we grieve together.



Pray for us. It takes time to rebuild family life without a mom.

Trusting the Author of Spring

I haven't trusted this April weather. It has often felt dark and gloomy. Several times, I have wanted to be back in Dublin as I looked out my office window, longing to experience her melancholy beauty on a "soft day." Then, this morning I (again) awoke to frost on the car windshield. This weekend, though, should be "put the top down on the Miata and cruise weather." What's up with that?

I have not trusted this spring for other reasons. Last year at this time Nancy had just finished her chemo and we looked forward to a summer of returning strength. Her subsequent decline seemed to mock the fresh breezes we felt last spring.

Now I find myself near a season of spring storms for some dear friends of mine, trying to remain calm, trying to remember that God is good. C. S. Lewis suggested that you should go to the highest hill and lean into the breeze on a really windy day. Good advice. I don't plan to walk away from the storms others are facing. I won't try to be safe...as if playing it safe was ever an option for those who follow the Lion. I will choose to believe that the One who rides on chariots of fire also masters the storms, and I will choose to keep "singing in the rain."

I will also remember:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end

They are new every morning

Great is thy faithfulness

Birthday+1

Josh came quickly the night he was born. I barely made it back into the delivery room before Nancy began pushing in earnest. Only a few minutes later a robust baby boy named Joshua Daniel came into the world.



Josh grew up with a kind heart and sensitive spirit. He had his time in the wilderness as he entered adolescence. But those years of wrestling produced a man of faith, of love, and of vision.



He did years of inner city missions trips, eleven months in the heart of Chicago, married the love of his life Anne, and finished his Urban Studies degree from University of Pennsylvania. They began The Ark to create a community of love and safety for the kids of North Philadelphia. http://thearkofphilly.blogspot.com/



Yesterday, on his 27th birthday, Josh came to the WHM Sending Center to share his vision, his dreams and his struggles. It was a proud moment for a father who had prayed that Josh would take the gospel to hard places some day, and for his mother who now rests at Home, having showed him unconditional love for so many years.

Hold on to Your Brother

Yesterday I was walking Jonah and Aidan to church. As we approached the intersection of Keswick and Easton, Jonah took Aidan's hand and announced, "I need to look out for him, because he's my brother."

That exchange may have been the highlight of the Demars' family's visit. I gave thanks for the way God is blending them together. I am thankful Jonah is growing up with strong male companionship.

And I also gave thanks for all the guys who are walking me through this intersection. I am glad that I don't have to navigate this hard time alone. Of course, they are looking after me. After all, we're brothers.

Thanks for the reminder Jonah!

Resurrection Tapestry

I spent part of the day wondering about this guy. A youth pastor at a large Presbyterian church back in Kansas City. In 1971 he issued an invitation to follow Jesus to those attending an Easter Sunrise Service. Among those listening was a quiet young gal about to graduate high school. She had been worried about cancer, not sure what would happen to her if she caught it...and died. Anyway, something the guy said was compelling, and Nancy Leah Freeman gave her life to Christ that morning.

She went off to college eventually helping this worried, sensitive farm boy put the pieces together. And they embarked on a life of great adventure. Adventures that took them to the classrooms in Philadelphia, and the streets of New York, Dublin and London telling anybody who would listen that HE had risen. Together they raised three unique children who honored them and who follow Jesus through their own pilgrimages to this day. Their adventure ended last August, when after hearing her husband say the words, "It's okay, sweetie," Nancy fell into the arms of the Savior she loved, the One she embraced after hearing the words of that young pastor back in Johnson County, Kansas.

I don't know what else that guy stirred up in his ministry, but I do know that the fruit of his impact on Nancy helped birth churches in Dublin, Prague, and Vienna, and continues to encourage others to follow Him as the man she discipled for 34 years retells the story she lived out so well.

I can't wait to meet this guy someday. I have a lot to thank him for.

A Day to Hold Your Breath

Saturday before Easter. This is the oddest day in the year to me. The work of redemption has been accomplished. The cry, "It is finished, " has filled the air. But the act of resurrection lies in the future. So, the cosmos holds its breath. We are halfway between despair and renewal. Certainly Jesus' disciples must have been wallowing in disappointment on this day. A lot of hopes had been dashed. Who would have thought those shattered dreams were to be replaced by the dawning of a new reality?

There is a little of that "Easter Saturday" in my soul this week. A year ago at this time I didn't expect to be walking this road without Nancy at my side. I had a lot hopes about our future. Those dreams were to be dashed just a few weeks later. This spring new hopes and dreams are being hatched. But they await an incubation period before they come to life.

On the other hand, those who long for His return live each day with some sense of Easter Saturday. The power of sin has been broken but we are still not experiencing the full restoration of what HE intends. So, we wait as His followers have often waited. Some of our hopes have faded, but a surprising deliverance is about to dawn.

It's Done

"It is finished!" When can you ever say that? There is always more to do; more coming at you than what you are able to get done. I noticed that the past year more than ever. The dishes keep getting dirty, I always need something from O'Neil's Grocery Market. The house always needs tidying up, always something should head for the laundry room, and I have already written about cooking. After all, you never stop eating.

Meanwhile, there is work. One email generates another. A phone call begets a returned message. There is always another meeting to attend. One more event cries out for planning. A teammate looks in for direction.

Then there are people everywhere. Friends. You gotta keep track of friends. And family. You gotta love on your family.

It's never over is it? Except once. When it counted. Jesus hung on the Cross 'til he could cry out in agony and victory: "It is finished." He had done it. God and I could be friends, because his death broke the power of canceled sin and set this prisoner free.

So, it is okay to rest. On HIM. ALONE.

And that's the name of that tune.

He Chose Me

As a church kid, it's pretty hard to pinpoint the exact moment I started following Jesus for real. But I do remember one special night in particular. Maundy Thursday 1974. A communion service.

The pastor was reciting Scripture as he handed out the elements. Suddenly, one of Jesus's statement rang out, "Don't think you chose me, for I chose you to go and bear fruit." And it came together: I had been trying to figure out what I would choose to do with my life, when HIS words flipped it all around. It wasn't about what I wanted for myself, but what HE wanted for HIS glory. After that, I never really looked back. I followed the path HE laid out.

Tonight, I helped our pastors and elders distribute the elements to the flock at New Life. There were moments of great joy and deep sorrow as I recalled some of the rich and rocky stretches of the road. But there are no regrets for listening to HIS voice that night. None.

And there was a great sense of anticipation. As I said yesterday, I like to believe that there are a few innings left to play. Innings of HIS choosing.

Oh, I forgot something. There was a beautiful co-ed sitting next to me when HE spoke. We were on the same team for quite a few innings until "her number was retired" last August. She is in now in The Hall of Fame.

A Day at the Ballpark

I can never NOT remember baseball. The Pirates broke my heart in 1960 when they beat the Yankees in 7 games. A baseball game could get me out of farm work as I grew up. Later my dad and I reconnected by following the KC Royals as I came of age in my 20's. Now Josh and I are bonded by the same love. And -like many American men and some American women--I secretly suspect I could manage a Big League team if given a chance.

Last Christmas the kids gave me a partial season ticket plan to the Phillies this season. How cool was that? Today I attended my first game. Watching the team get their World Series rings was nice. But what made this day really special was the Phils' 8 run comeback in the bottom of the 7th inning. It suggested that sometimes the late innings can be pretty exciting. That's a hopeful thought for a guy in his 50's still climbing his way out of the valley.

Welcome to the Family

A few days ago Ginny one of my Mobilization teammates described the missionary community as a slice of heaven. She was referring to the sense of community, of family that the Grand Cause instills.

We did family today. We did family as our far flung strategic planning team sat connected to a "virtual whiteboard" and tried to discern where God is taking WHM. We did family at our staff prayer meeting today as we listened to Dorothy tell us about how her dog led her to a deep friendship with a Czech woman who needs to find God. We did family as we celebrated Liz's impending marriage to Ted with food, stories and laughter. We did family today when a pastor and I agreed to help a young woman pursue her dream of spending the summer doing ministry in Vienna.

We did family today because the Father is bringing His kids together from every nation under heaven. We are just helping file the adoption papers.

Tripset

We always called vacations "trips" when I was a boy. And they were. Mom and Dad would stuff us into the Chevy and we'd head out. Usually west, usually steering well clear of any towns of over 2000 people. We would drive around for a few days, looking for a motel every night. (Reservations? Not for this family. Ever.) I also still remember how we'd sit out in the car while dad was negotiating with the manager to get the price down. As a kid, the whole process mortified me. And there was the night where we drove around Denver for 6 hours before finding a place to spend the night.

Those memories pushed me to vacation differently. We always knew where we were spending the night before leaving home. In fact, my favorite vacation plan has been to fly or drive to a set location and settle in for a week or so. Searching for a place to sleep while vacationing was just not my idea of fun.

Nothing wrong with that, but I finally got it a few years ago. For Dad, the journey was part of the deal. He enjoyed the adventure of looking for the perfect (actually, cheapest) resting place. For him, the destination was just part of the deal, not the whole deal.

I am trying to apply that lesson to life now that Nancy is Home. I am on a new adventure here. Lots of "settled issues" are now once more "unsettled". I doubt if I will live in this house for the rest of my life, for example. Trying to settle these and other open questions in a few short months just might not be possible.

To survive this adventure, I need to remember what those long trips in the family Chevy should have taught me: the journey is part of the deal. And "Dad" is going to determine where I sleep at the end of the day. I should just trust Him and enjoy the ride. After all, His oldest Son has done the work to get us Home.

Tasting a Slice of Joy

I have to confess the last few years have left me distrusting joy, often enduring rather than exalting. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out again. I can catch myself hunkering down in an emotional bunker Sure, there is no perfect joy this side of heaven. But you will never climb out of the valley if you're just waiting for the roof to cave in.

There are great slices of joy to be savored as we walk this road. Take yesterday: I enjoyed finding a long missing sock (hey that's a big deal in the land of laundry), staring at a Van Gogh painting for several minutes, a windblown walk near the river, a wonderful meal with friends and a delicious slice of apple pie. Each of these simple pleasures reminds me that I will find many "appetizers of joy" to embrace as I continue to climb.

Deuteronomy Delivers Depth

Reading all the way through The Book in a year presents some challenges. Like getting through the less exciting parts. But it's all part of The Statement He made to show us the Way. So, if you're going through the whole Story you slog through some pretty challenging stuff. Like Deuteronomy. That's part of the Tale you wade through to get to Joshua or something.

Imagine my surprise when I began to sense God correcting me as I plowed into Deuteronomy 1 and found HIM speaking to me about the how to climb out of the valley. We learn that Israel lost their way as they continued their journey. Moses tells them, "You grumbled in your tents, and said, 'The Lord hates us, so he brought out of Egypt to deliver us into the hands of the Ammorites to destroy us'..Then I said to you, 'Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God who is going before you will fight for you." Israel had come to believe some lies about HIM. They saw as hateful, not willing to take care of his kids. So, they gave into fear and stopped trying to walk forward.

Finding my way out of the valley requires me to see God as loving. Finding my way out of the requires me to forsake fear. Finding my way out of the requires me to see that He is going to stay beside me. Finding my way out of the valley requires me to believe He still has good things in store for me. The uphill climb is an exercise in faith, not a test of will power. Fortunately, He is faithful and wise in supplying me with faithful guides. Nobody makes it out of the valley alone.

PS--I do skim some of the genealogies and stuff. I wonder what else I am missing.

Kingdom Perspectives in a Crazy World

I walk around in a swirl of thoughts, emotions, questions, and doubts. It gets a bit crowded, noisy and complicated in "Dan Land." In those moments, I lose focus, perspective and joy. I fail to discern the ways of the King.

But every so often things get really simple. Like when a friend who has been deeply wounded prays for the spiritual deliverance of her antagonist. Instead of a cry of vengeance a plea for blessing opens up heaven for a minute and I see things clearly for a second. The Kingdom moves forward in a moment like this, and I just get to watch.

Things get really simple when I tell KJ the story of an intern headed for Europe who is trying to raise support. But it's tough for this girl and her dad is very sick. Still, her dad really, really wants her to go. (This mirrors KJ's trip to Romania last year; a trip her mom really, really wanted her to make) A second later KJ hands me a check for this gal's trip. My daughter has honored her parents in a way I can't describe. The Kingdom moves forward in a moment like this, and I just get to watch.

I have seen some pretty cool events over the years. Thousands of students praising God at the Urbana conference, hundreds of people coming forward to receive Christ at a Billy Graham Crusade, even a few dozen people stopped to hear me talk about Jesus on Grafton Street. Good stuff for sure. But I suspect the Kingdom moves forward most often in quiet ways like through a person forgiving a deep wrong, or a sad young woman extending a blessing to a "sister" walking a similar path. Simple, unnoticed, selfless acts shoot pinpoints of light into the darkness of evil and sadness.

In those moments you hear the angels rejoice. The other sound? Cloven hoofbeats headed back to Hell. Where else can the enemy turn? It is spring and Aslan is on the move.

Already and Not Yet

I began the day with a young man whom I have watched grow into maturity. We talk about his future plans for life and ministry, and reflect on the way he so encouraged me during a tough stretch in last year's journey. In short, we reflect upon the goodness of God.

Later I ring London and talk to one of our team members there. We discuss recruiting prospects, prayer and the need to set up appointments to see people in heaven. In short, we reflect upon the goodness of God.

This evening I stop by the home of a sick friend. We discuss the challenges of the present, some hopes for the future, and the way HE sustained us during past trials. In short, we reflect upon the goodness of God.

Later I ring a friend who was too sick to work today. We still manage a few laughs, and stories before we pray and think about some challenges that lie ahead. In short, we reflect upon the goodness of God.

Each story mixes the "already and the not yet." God has been good to us. We know He will carry us home. But there is a stretch yet to be traveled. We share the realization that God has been good, even as we savor the anticipation that He has more to give us. So, we wait for the full measure of His goodness to be revealed in us, before us and through us.

Shelter from the Storm

Last week I experienced a violent storm in my soul. My heart was gripped by the turbulence of desperation. I had been trying to manage life, gain control. Suddenly, I felt out of control.

By the weekend, sanity was returning. Sunday I found myself with a friend, sharing some of the fruit of that struggle. In other words, I was repenting. A wonderful calm filled the time. Imagine my surprise when I later learned that, at the very time of that peaceful discussion, we were surrounded by storms. Three tornadoes had touched down close by us that afternoon. All I recall is an incredible calmness as spiritual sanity returned.

Years ago, Nancy executed a water color of Jesus walking on the water. She chose to show the area around him as totally calm. It captured something she had come to know: when we are in the presence of Jesus we find rest for our souls. Sunday afternoon I lived that truth once more: divine dependence brings us to a place of peace. HE alone gives us shelter from the storm.

Spinning out of Control, Tumbling under Control

I took over all laundry responsibilities about 15 months ago. Since then, the washer’s cycle has been branded into my mind. No way would I ever pull a load of shirts out of the Maytag after the “wash” phase had been completed. There are still “rinse” and “spin” to pass through before transferring them over to the dryer. This month, I have gone through a “laundry cycle” within my soul. It spun around like this:

My heart acknowledged a good desire

That birthed a wonderful dream

That fostered a strong determination

That mutated into an impatient demand

That sank me into hopeless desperation

That led me back to chastened dependence

Upon the Author of My Dream

Thus, another load of my soul’s laundry is done.
Apparently, it does “come out in the wash” after all.

Preparing to Launch Another Generation

The chance to spend the weekend with 19 WHM Summer Interns stokes my desire to live as a middle aged radical follower of the One who gave it all up for me. The cause remains exciting after 35 years living the Dream.

Part of the weekend is spent learning to trust one another, even as you learn about trusting HIM.

Even when I am old and gray do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. Psalm 71:18

One Generation Radicalizes Another

Tonight David and Claire led 19 WHM summer interns through our first night of Spring Training. Our goal was to get these students from all over the USA to come together and pray and dream and learn about their summer experience. It is always good to be with a group of young folks who are straining to break away from the status quo and do something for the King. The night was especially sweet as I watched this young couple, in love and on their way to a lifetime of following HIM together encouraging folks only a few years younger to take the risk.

They let me do a devotional before the prayer time in which I shared that the word "radical" comes from the word rooted. So, I challenged them to become young radicals so grounded in Christ that they can stand against the stresses and storms of this life, calling others to Christ. Yep, tonight I "preached to myself" reminding myself to sink deeper roots in HIM, while thanking him for helping me stand up to the storms as I face suffering. It has, after all, been a wonderful life, and the Best is Yet to Be.

It Takes More Than a Village

Coworkers who delay a meeting to listen and pray with me when I am having "a day,"
Fellow elders who meet with me weekly to pray and ask me questions,
A friendly cashier at O'Neil's who always asks me how I am doing,
A dear sister and friend who speaks truth into my life just as she has for years,
Loving children who mourn right alongside their sad dad,
Prayer warriors who send me notes to remind they are still there,
Faithful readers who encourage me to keep recording the journey,
A prayer partner whose heart beats closely to mine
A Patient Father who welcomes me just as I am

It takes all these to keep a wounded man climbing on a rainy night in March
Thanks to each one of you, with special praise to HIM.

Stumbling and Rising

Nobody said that the way out of the valley would be easy. Recently, I stubbed my toe trying to climb out of the valley. Sometimes I try to climb too far too fast. I stop listening and start demanding. At such times I am tempted to try to sink into self-pity or self-justification.

Today I remembered Josiah Bancroft's question, "Would you rather be right or forgiven?" The default setting of my heart is to demand to be "right". But when the Spirit hits the reset button I stop defending myself and try to reconcile with those I have knocked down on the climb. Then the gospel gives me grace and hope to resume the climb.

Clearly, I still have quite a way to go. But when I fall down HE picks me up.

A friend at mid-century

As you age, you have more chance to reflect on the faithfullness of the Father. During this season of upheaval I have often given thanks for the length and depth of the frienships that God has given me as I have walked with him as a follower for 35 years now.

Paul and Lynn Leary have stood with me for days at every Urbana missions conference since 1993, for months as we walked Nancy Home, and for almost twenty years since they joined WHM.

They remain good and true friends in the weeks since I began journeying solo, praying, counseling, encouraging and welcoming me as I walked through the valley of grief and begin the tricky ascent toward the hills of hope.

Last night we gathered to celebrate Paul's 50th birthday. Food, beverage, laughter and memories resounded in their Wyncote home. Quietly, in my heart, I rejoiced. Most of the wealth HE has given me has come through friends.

Sharing Wounded Love

Losing a spouse leaves a deep wound. For the rest of your life, I suppose. My friend Dan recently told me "You never get over it." Does this woundedness keep you in the valley forever then?? No. I think not. But how does this affect your capacity to live, to minister, to give love?

Consider this: All true love is wounded love. In fact, the Cross is the supreme example of wounded love for "HE was wounded for our transgressions." Somehow I think OUR wounds are meant to take us to the Cross where we gaze on the scar that heals all wounds. Then we begin to love as people who have received HIS healing love. In that way our deepest wound can become the spot where the love of Jesus overflows into the lives of those around us.

I am mindful of my wound as I try to encourage a young prospective missionary, reach out to the family, or encourage a disheartened friend. But I am confident that we together can cling to the knowledge that "by HIS stripes we are healed."

Let HIM Love You

This road can get awfully noisy sometimes. Perhaps there is more static buzzing around me since I began to feel I was climbing out of the valley. I get snatches of advice, and encouragement from those who observe my journey. All good stuff. And yet, it is so easy to lose focus, get confused by the chorus of words and to wonder what my calling is at this stage of the journey.

At one of the day's "meltdown moments" I reflected on the words a respected but wounded Christian leader shared at a meeting I attended this week. He reminded us that Mother Teresa once told a troubled brother:

"Your calling is to let Jesus love you

And to love others out of the overflow of his love!"

Today as I try to keep climbing, I remember that it is time to stop and let My Older Brother love me, so that I can once more leak his love unto those around me. Do you need to pause at this point, too? Join me for 30 seconds as we contemplate the height and depth and width of HIS affection for HIS kids.

Happy St. Pat's Day

This poem was traditionally ascribed to St. Patrick. Though not likely written by him "St. Patrick's Breastplate" takes me into the rich world of Irish spirituality. In that light I share it here:


I arise today
Through a mighty strength,
the invocation of the Trinity,
Through the belief in the threeness,
Through the confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the Judgment Day.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of demons,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,A
far and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me abundance of reward.

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength,
the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

Following Someone Out of the Valley

You need a lot of role models to make this climb. Yesterday on what could have been a sad and melancholy occasion I watched a friend repeatedly choose laughter over tears, joy over sorrow, hope over regret. It was a wonder to behold!

And yet at the height of our joy we found ourselves saying "come soon, Lord Jesus" for only then will all of our heartache fade away......Nevertheless, we can dance because the tunes we hear down here lighten the troubled heart and we announce together that the best is yet to be!!

Climbing Up, Glancing Back

I face "crosswinds" climbing out of the valley. Each step brings new hope, new affirmation, new friendship, new possibilities. But each one of those steps also requires giving myself permission to listen, laugh and love rather than endlessly replay the dirges of sorrow. I must remind myself that neither surgery, nor chemo, nor home infusion, nor prayer changed Nancy's destination point on the journey. So, no amount of our tears, or memories, or wishes could place her back by my side again. And why would she want to leave HIS house for mine?


Yesterday's path took me to embrace a young missionary, to pray for survivor's courage for Leah, KJ and Josh, and to relish the taste of a Guiness in an Irish pub! (Okay, it was in West Chester, not Rathfarnham; but the furniture came from Eire.) The climb continues. I am thankful for refreshment along the way!

Seven Successful Deliveries

Today I extended the image of WHM's A&O (Candidate Week) being like having babies. This morning began with a friend's email "delivery" of "scrubs" for the Delivery Room. During the morning I decided to play out that image for all it was worth as we worked to make decisions about the seven missionary candidates. Each decision to appoint was greeted with the comment that we had twins, triplets and all the way up to "Septuplets." By then the rest of the Appointment Team were rolling their eyes, accusing me of bouncing off the walls and threatening to throw their laptops at me. But I persevered in response to the great joy I find in helping folks move out in faith, and a friend's prayers that I experience laughter each day. (Well, I was laughing.)

It was a sober and wonderful thing to appoint a family who rejected a cushy medical practice for the challenges of healing in Western Uganda, a couple who had recently endured his fifteen months in a combat zone and are now willing to enter a spiritual combat zone for the name of Jesus, three singles beginning to pursue Kingdom Dreams. Truly, Kingdom Work is far too important to undertake joylessly. So, join HIM in laughing as fun-filled faith chases away the darkness this day.

A Day to Share the Dream

Monday morning of A&O Week we try to let our candidates get to know WHM. That means that I walk the folks through the birth and development of our movement. They hear about Jack whose vision propelled us into the fields. They hear that God has built that vision into a movement that has grown around the world. They hear about how my dad's wheat crops prepared me to follow Jack in gathering Kingdom Crops. They hear about how Nancy and I chased a dream together for 33 years. And this day they saw my tears---for just a second. My intent was to show them that they also follow a Faithful God who will sustain them as they pursue their dreams.

Some of them informally heard of the new path I am on. And they seemed gladdened that an older brother is still willing to reach for a dream even as he climbs out a deep valley. Where will these dreams take any of us? Tonight I rejoice that The Giver of Good Dreams knows.

I'll Never Walk Alone

Yesterday provided the first strong hints of spring. The temperature climbed to around 70 and buds were visible on trees. So a friend and I set out on a hike. The trail took us down a ridge to the edge of the Susquehanna River. After viewing some marvelous rock formations we completed the loop back up to the top of the ridge. We took turns challenging, cautioning, pushing, and shoving one another along the path. By the time we were back to the start we were winded but exhilarated by the adventure.

Along the trek, I realized that HE had given me another picture of the way out of the valley of grief. I will never complete this ascent alone. I need folks who can carry me up the steep parts of the hill. But if I keep walking, HE will provide those buddies. Like the one who helped me yesterday.

PS. The view from the top was worth the climb!

A Few More Steps Upward

You don't realize that you are climbing out of the valley the day you begin. It is only now that I can look back and see that the ascent seems to have begun.

How do you know when those steps have been taken? My first signpost came with the realization that the present and future filled my mind more often then the past. Then I started to find joy, real joy in being in groups. Then I experienced the energy to comfort someone else who was sad and confused. A friend's prayers that each day would include laughter was answered yesterday as I overwhelmed a staff meeting with a spasm that sucked the air out the room. Tonight I look forward to exploring a new trail on the weekend.

Do I understand this path I am on? Not by much. But it is nice to feel the wind at my back at least for now.

Grazing

My relationship to food changed somewhere along this road. I love to eat! I used to count the hours between meals. But, the thought "only two more hours 'til I strap on the feedback!" has been replaced by "Oh crap, It's 5pm! I gotta figure out what's for dinner tonight!"

Once again I confess that we had a "traditional" approach to cooking. She cooked, I ate. Not a great background for my current situation. People have been more than good about "feeding me" from time to time. But more often than not, Dan-O is on his own when the dinner bell rings these days. And slowly I learned that crock pot prep is pretty cool, that an omelet is a viable dinner option, that throwing a piece of meat into the skillet gets you half way there. Still, I don't see myself appearing as a finalist on Top Chef next season. I just don't get seasoning.

There is aways eating out. But you only have to hear the host at a restaurant patronizingly ask, "Only one?" to decide you aren't going to eat out solo all that often. And when you do have a companion at a restaurant, you are so taken by the chance for meal conversation that you forget to eat. Recently, a friend patiently waited for me to finish my steak and baked potato and waited, and waited. Two hours into the meal I let the waitress clear my plate. Ah, the conversation was far more nourishing anyway.

Of course, I have dropped a few pounds this past year. Not a bad thing for a guy who didn't wear horizontal stripes as a kid. (Not a slimming look, after all.) Yep, walking this road impacts just about every part of your life. You either learn to embrace the new adventure or shrivel into a mound of self pity. Help me ascend Mount Adventure!! The vale of Self-pity is too dark to inhabit.

Climbing out of the Valley

We were walking across the KSU campus one night when something dawned on me. So, I turned to Nancy and said, "I think I love you."

"Well, I know I love you," she evenly replied.

I am sure I held her for a minute, and then I asked, "So, what do we now?" After all this was a rather momentous occasion. The first, "I love you" is never repeatable.

"Let's go to the movies as planned," she patiently replied.

That was my Nancy; she always just took the next step forward. Always steady, never confused.
Six months ago today I took my first steps away from her grave, after the final act of our physical separation: internment. Since then I have walked through this valley of grief. But having turned the six month corner, the landscape is changing. It is not "taking me away from her homegoing". It is taking me toward the rest of my life. It is a puzzling road, full of twists and turns. It is also a bit of a steep climb. Sometimes it seems to turn back toward the dark valley. I have and will stumble before I ascend the heights that appear to lie ahead.

But she who taught me to take life one step at a time would be the first to encourage me to keep my eyes on the road ahead. And so, as I move halfway past this traditional year long journey, I fix my gaze forward. Encourage me to climb!

Modest Peaks Pop Up in the Valley

Today I realized that I am not just walking endlessly through a long dry valley any more. I sometimes feel like I am climbing a gentle slope and looking out toward the horizon. For example, I recently experienced the song Blessed Be Your Name in a setting that prompted me to believe I might be nearing a season in which God is "giving new things" at a rate faster than He is "taking them away." The song has now become more than a painful memory of Nancy's funeral. It announces my hope that life may again hold more of the "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

But those high points can be swiftly followed by the realization that I have some more steps to take before I climb out of this valley. And since last week I have been remembering that my kids slog through this valley as well.

Still, these brief ascents are nourishing my soul. They lift my eyes onward and upward toward the higher calling of my Lord. Besides doesn't HE also promise to allow us to walk with hinds feet on high places?

The Man Who Recruited Me to WHM

Thirteen years ago today I was in upstate New York for a missions conference when my brothers called me to tell me that Dad had left this earth. He never went to high school, but he had put three sons through college. His example taught me to pursue my dreams with determination, give everything I have to the task at hand, and take great delight in the fruit of my labor. Though he never tried to "disciple" me, the lessons he taught me in the fields of our Kansas farm took me to "mission fields" around the world.

He had prepared me to understand the meaning of Jesus' words in John 4.35 "the fields are ripe for harvest." In later years I told his story from pulpits and lecterns across the globe. This night I honor him as I continue to press on toward that which he has already claimed.

Amma's Absence

A year ago at this moment, Nancy and I were sitting in this room waiting for Katharine to arrive. The chemo schedule prevented us from being in Fulton for the birth. We were relieved when the delivery ended well that night. While we had missed that big event, we had every hope that we were just experiencing a temporary absence from family involvement, not the beginning of Nancy's final decline. How wrong we were.

Today is another bittersweet event. Katharine will never remember her Amma's gentle touch, loving voice or delightful smile. That seems a grievous wrong. But I am comforted this night to know that Nancy has substituted the quiet delight she always found in being with the kids for the unsurpassed joy of being with Jesus. I also trust that Amma's love flows into Katharine through the selfless devotion to motherhood that Leah absorbed from Mom. And I expect that Katharine's life will be further enriched through the mercies of the God who gives and takes away.

Missing Mom

Sometimes I wonder who faces the hardest road dealing with Nancy's homegoing. I lost part of my self, and that will always hurt. But Leah, Josh and KJ experienced grievous loss as well. I walked this earth for 20 years without her, but these guys never took a heartbeat apart from her until August 30. My kids were not expecting to lose Mom so soon.

They also deal with me without their Mom, which means redefining the terms of the other parent/child relationship. And I know it's not easy dealing with me, without Nancy as a buffer. Moms supply the relational glue for most families. Ours was no exception.

A funny thing about this impending six month mile post, I almost seem to have turned a corner, But, or maybe because, of that, each of the three kids have encountered a rough patch. That's often the way in families; we tag team. Taking turns, being weak and being strong.

I have been prayed through lots of steps on this valley: deep mourning, health scares, the pain of writing and remembering, of reentering the world alone. Now I want you to focus on the three heroes who helped me bring Nancy Home. May HE carry them through this vale of tears.

Rejoicing with Others and Running Along

As many of you know, I live in a fairly "dano-centric" universe. Although the line, "But enough about me. What do you think about me?" was not written for me, it fits me. In other words I tend to focus on how events impact ME.

So MY normal biopsy naturally led to a sigh of relief on my own behalf. But then the weirdest thing followed. Last night I found myself giving thanks for the blessing this news is to others. I was thankful that my children aren't encountering another parent with cancer. I gave thanks that many folks who prayed were encouraged to hear this answer. I rejoiced that my closest prayer partner in this journey had experienced the power of two agreeing together in Jesus' Name.

Somehow my immense relief brought this reminder: my life is meant to be a blessing to others. And then I recalled Paul's conclusion in Philippians 1 that if he lived it was for those he served. Yep, this "all clear" brings a mandate to love and bless those nearby.

Meanwhile. I got several comments and personal messages about my desire to run through the daisies. I think I found a field. Now if I can find my running shoes........

No Cancer

Okay, I called the doctor today to ask a question about some lingering issues related to last week's procedure. I was told,"Don't worry about your issue. By the way, the results are in. They are setting on the Dr. Meller's desk. "

One excorciating hour later, Kathy called back to say, "NORMAL."

I can't overstate the emotional impact of that result. The kids and I rejoiced and wept with relief when I shared the news with each of them. (I think KJ was weeping in her text.) For the first time in months I am actually starting to believe that there may be a future on this earth. I am thankful for this season of relative calm even while I remain on a "short leash." with a follow up visit in June. Pray that we can live for the day and trust HIM for the future.

Now, I am off to look for that field of daisies!

Friday Night Fights of Faith

Friday night with Tedster and the movie Apollo 13. The house is pretty silent and it is unlikely a party is going to break out. A bit mellow and bittersweet to be sure. But not entirely "empty."

I SIT HERE: Warmed by the love I saw between KJ and Leah this week. Amazed to see how much Jonah has grown. Glad that HE sustained me through a chapel talk in which I felt the tanks run dry five minutes before I sat down. Thankful HE showed up today and gave us some new ideas for a project that had stalled at work. Blessed by a friend who talks to me every night and then prays against the terror I feel while awaiting biopsy results.

Here in 319 it has felt like winter for years now. A long winter but no Christmas in this house has dragged on far too long. Still, Daylight Savings Time is only a week or so away, the first hint of spring. Could this be a season of health and new beginnings? Or another like the false spring of 2008? Tonight I long for fresh starts and all clears. For true spring. I can only lean on the goodness of the One who promises us The Ultimate Sign of Spring: The Resurrection.

Join me in praying for good news next week. I want to run through a few fields of daisies once the spring is under way. Aslan is on the Move. So, we can expect the flowers to bloom.

Post-bioposy briefing

This will be short. The procedure went well. Josh was great about taking me. I only passed out once in the hallway after getting up. Loss of consciousness is intriguing experience. Leah and KJ have loved on me well. Jonah and Kat have been here as pleasant blessings throughout this foggy day. We hope to have results by Monday.

Meanwhile, the fog needs to clear enough for me to speak at Westminster Seminar tomorrow. Ask HIM to give me clarity and conviction to tell the "Wheat Field Story" to a new generation.!

Prop Me Up

Reading through the Bible reminds me of reconnecting with old friends. Today I revisited the battle Israel fought against the Amalekites in Exodus 17. Remember the battle went well as long as Moses kept his arms raised to the Lord. But then his strength flagged. Aaron and Hur then gathered around him to keep his arms extended until the battle was won.

"Sounds great!" I decided this morning. I needed folks to come around me and hold my arms up as I face the biopsy on Wednesday and a chapel talk at Westminster Seminary on Thursday. Fortunately, our staff team gathered around me for prayer this morning. Meanwhile, another friend has prayed with me daily as I head into this test. In such moments my fear is replaced with another's faith. Such moments remind me that we don't fight alone. We are surrounded by the legions who also wander toward the Promised Land.

Let's Skip the Next Few Scenes

Recently a friend and I were trying to work through a thorny issue. We were at a painful and frightening place. "I wish God would just hit Fast Forward," my friend exclaimed. I got spiritual and replied that I was just glad that He wouldn't hit "rewind."

Clever? Maybe. But I am really the one who always gets impatient. As I face this next series of medical tests I want HIM to hit "Fast Forward." I also want to write the ending. The next scene would clearly conclude: "No Cancer."

I can neither control the pace of the next few days nor the outcome of Wednesday's biopsy. So, I rest on the One I know to be both Good and Wise. And I ask HIM to keep me patient and keep me well. How I wish I could take possession of the remote. But He loves me too much to let that happen.

Valentine's Day Lesson

The Day I Finally Got It

There was completeness to the ride Nancy and I took together. I can pinpoint most of the important landmarks along the path. You want to know the moment I most loved Nancy?
We were waiting for the ambulance to Keystone hospice. She was fading fast, experiencing more bouts of confusion, always restless. Suddenly, I couldn’t just sit there anymore. As a guy, as a desperate husband I had to find something to do, some way to help, something to ease her suffering, something that would take away some of her pain, while making me feel a bit less futile, a bit less helpless, a bit less impotent, a bit less useless.
Where could I find a weapon to attack my futility and her frailty? She could no longer feed herself. So, I went into the kitchen, opened the freezer and took out my weapon. She had been desperately sucking on cherry flavored junior ice pops throughout the last three weeks. Returning to the living room, I sat down next to her hospital bed and pressed the Popsicle to her lips. She was too weak to say “Thank you.” Those luminous blue eyes were too dim to flash a glint of appreciation. Wordlessly she started sucking on the frozen sugar and water. The only response came through the sound of her intense effort to sooth her parched lips. She was taking in the last sliver of nourishment she ever ingested in our home. It was heartbreaking to behold.
But in that moment, I realized that I could never love her more. She would give me nothing in return. There was no payback. No thought of a smile, no unspoken agreement of intimacy in exchange for a night out. Holding that stick as she nibbled away, I finally got it. Love was about serving a person unconditionally with no thought of self interest. The “reward” was in the act of caring for this beautiful woman who had given me her love, her kindness, her body, her smile and her faith for many years.
It’s Valentine’s Day. Today we celebrate love. We exchange cards, flowers, chocolates and kisses. Most of us hope to get a “return on these investments.” Today I remember the moment when I finally I got it. Love is about what I can give away. And my reward comes in knowing I no longer require anything in return.

Will I ever be willing to love like this again? The cry of my heart is, "Yep. I would like nothing better than the chance to hold another popsicle, no matter what its "flavor' or "shape "'. After all, there was never a moment that brought me closer to the love of God. I don't want my experience of this kind of love to remain mere memory.

So, join with me in this celebration.
Experience for yourself this sweet liberation.

Make sure that you read the cards, sample the chocolates, smell the roses, and taste the kisses. Then lean back and give it all away.

Thanks, Rocky, for giving me 34 years to figure this out.