Year End Dividend

2008 has been a year of economic failure. This morning Bloomberg Television announced that the world stock markets have lost $300 trillion. I went online and saw an article about how much various billionaires have lost this year. Certainly, the concept of "loss" has colored some of the pages of this blog. In 2008 I "lost" Nancy.

But a story resurfaced as I thought of how to close the books on this year. One night after we moved to Keystone Hospice the family gathered around her in her room. Anne's mom Karen put in a worship CD.

Soon we came to the song, "Give Me, Jesus." I held her close as we joined in on the last verse:

"And When I come to die,

And When I come to die,

And When I come to die,

Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world

Give me Jesus"

That night we were echoing the song she first began singing on Easter Sunday 1971 when she gave her life to Christ. We just repeated the words she could no longer speak for herself. Only a few days later, she lost her hold on this life and gained all of Jesus. In that moment she experienced the reality of Philippians 1:20, "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain."

When you hear reviews of the winners and losers of 2008 count Nancy one of the big winners. She now knows what the rest of us labor to believe. And lest you wonder how I tally up my own ledger, the 33 years she invested in me left me a wealthy man.

And thus ends the journey for 2008

Biblical Popularity

I seem to remember high school had a clear pecking order. At the top were the cool people: athletes, cheer leaders, people with hot cars, or fake id's, then there was everyone who aspired to be with the cool people, and at the bottom were outcasts, folks that nobody seem to want to hang with. At all costs you wanted to avoid being with the people who were not smart enough, pretty enough or clean enough to stay out of the social cellar. Instead, a huge part high life was about finding a way to get close enough to the cool people to be considered "popular." That is where you expected to find meaningful community.

Not so in the Community of the King. This past year I watched a Kingdom Village surround us in our weakness. So many calls, meals and prayers came our way once Nancy was diagnosed, as chemo dragged on, and as we learned that the journey would be short. Dozens of folks whom she had never met, or barely knew came to this blog to share her journey home. Old friends and family came for long delayed visits. Friendships that had cooled were reawakened. Family relationships that were strained were strengthened. She had devoted her life to making HIM famous, and she would have given her life to repair some of the breaches we saw healed this year. In a real sense, she did. The gift of her weakness created the space for love to flourish.

I discovered more about the nature of love and marriage than I could ever have imagined as her capacity to actively "give back" disappeared. Her final weakness sealed the lessons on love I had been learning from her for 34 years. And I trust HIM to give me the places to impart those lessons to others.

But there is nothing new in this part of the story. Nothing unique. The greatest act of weakness in all of history created the space for all true love. The Cross under girds all real community. The One who set aside all power and authority to surrender to weakness and death has built a community powerful enough to reverse the curse.

I remember Henri Nouwen introduced this concept to me through his writing, but Nancy "the most popular girl I ever knew" lived this before me until she left me four months ago today.

The Company of Heroes

We finished our Christmas week gatherings as Chris and Leah headed out tonight. I am truly thankful for the way the kids moved toward one another this week. Because we chose to stay connected we both helped one another through a challenging time and made some new memories, including this one on Christmas night as we snapped some family pictures.

To paraphrase the concluding lines from "Band of Brothers,"

"I am not a hero,

but Nancy and I parented

a company of heroes."

Happy birthday KJ

KJ was our furlough baby. I remember how disappointed Nancy was when the decision was made for us to come back to the USA after she became pregnant. We had really wanted an "Irish child." Instead she was born in Holy Redeemer Hospital in Huntington Valley December 28, 1985. The delivery took place in a birthing room. I timed Nancy's pains between plays of a bowl game that came through the TV. Very weird. But that was part of the movement away from the sterile birthing environment that characterized the baby boomer births. That quirky beginning ushered in this wonderful creative gal who remains one of the lights of my life.

Tonight the kids and I went to a favorite restaurant to celebrate KJ's 23rd birthday. It was a great evening in which we again chose joy and life over sorrow and sighing. Thus another of the "firsts without Nancy" was marked. The anniversary tour continues this week. Pray for us.

The First Stop on the Anniversary Tour

We always loved the day after Christmas in Ireland. "St. Stephen's Day" was also a holiday there. We took it as a day to rest, really enjoy family and friends with the Christmas rush behind us. Here in America, it's about returning gifts, and checking out the After Christmas sales at the mall.

But last year was neither about resting or shopping, it was about surgery. We had watched the movie "The Nativity" together on Christmas night '07. Nancy liked it because it helped her to focus on Jesus as she awaited her mastectomy. It was a sweet and gentle way to end the Season.

The next morning we were up early heading to Abington Hospital for the day's surgery. That day ended with much hope, much promise. But that optimism didn't last into summer. Instead, today we begin to tick off the first of a series of painful anniversaries. For the next eight months we will face many dates when we will remember the disappointments that marked Nancy's rapid ride HOME.

It seems that "courage" will be needed to keep these impending dates from dragging us down. I wonder how they will look to her as she peers back at days of hope and pain. She sees all this stuff from her "celestial box seat." Thus she must view it as worth the ride. From our vantage point, we can only look ahead trusting HIM that the final destination truly does mean that "the best is yet to be."

Christmas Courage

We don't throw around the word "courage" much in places I frequent. We talk about "faith" more often. But what if we defined "courage" as " faith" in action? Then I would say that there was a lot of courage flowing through the family this last day or so.

How much courage did it take for KJ to undertake the Christmas baking without her mom at her side this year?

How did I find the courage to wake up this morning, put on the coffee, light up the Christmas tree, put on one of my favorite CD's and greet the family with a smile when they came downstairs to face an uncertain day?

How much courage did it take for the girls to organize our traditional brunch, even serving on the good wedding china we reserve for these special days?

How much courage did it take for Josh and Anne, Chris and Leah and KJ to sit and joke and laugh as we opened presents in the same room we had watched Nancy fade only four months before?

How much silent courage was expended organizing the clan for a Christmas family photograph, knowing we were shooting it for the first time without mom/amma right beside me?

How do you describe the brave resolve this family found this day to be there for one another, hang in there, exchanging both laughter and tears? This courage flowed because people petitioned a loving Father to strengthen this little family. Courage was granted as we made this a good Christmas, the Christmas Nancy would want us to have.

She's Missing, but NOT "Missing Out"

I finished the last shopping run about 4:30 this afternoon. KJ pulled the first batch of kolaches out of the oven at 5:30. I finished wrapping the last Christmas present at 6:30. (If you call what I do with paper and scotch tape, "wrapping.") We then attended the Christmas Eve Service up the street. Now we are waiting for Leah's clan to arrive. Nancy is removed from all this hustle and bustle. But as the following poem reminds us she may be missing, but she is not "missing out."

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his mom before he died. His name was Ben.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above

I sent you each a memory of my undying love

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told

Please love and keep each other as my Father said to do

For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

Why Keep Writing?

The one year anniversary posting provided a good place to consider whether to continue this blog. My years in Ireland taught me to answer a question with a question. Thus, to answer the question do I continue blogging, I asked why am I still writing? And I decided:

1. I write to heal. If I didn't have an outlet my head and heart might explode. This forum allows me to channel some of the thoughts and emotions that surge through me each day.
2. I write to get you to pray. As Ed said the night of Nancy's viewing: "If you keep writing we'll keep praying." You are praying aren't you?
3. I write to break the ice. As today's Grief Share devotional said: "People in grief may avoid their friends and even their church to prevent these awkward moments. This is not how it should be. Someone needs to move beyond the discomfort."
4. I write to help you understand. Chase suggested that some people are called to suffer on a platform, to give others a view of the cosmic struggle of life, to encourage others to press on. With that in mind I share the Grief Share prayer: "May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.

In light of all this, I will continue to write for now, to mark the trail as DanandNancysjourney continues into a second year.

Two Sighs of Relief

My specialist was encouraging yesterday. He saw the test numbers headed in the right direction, prescribed one more round of antibiotics and told me to come back in February. I am thankful that cancer treatment will not hang over this house for a second straight Christmas.
In the meantime, pray that my numbers go down another notch or so. All this led to one big sigh of relief.

Earlier today I typed in the last of the 21,688 words from the red notebook entitled Nancy's Journey Home. With the contents of the notebook in the computer, I will copy the entries from this blog into a Word document, and then begin to edit. All this will enable me to see the tale that's left to tell, and how to go about telling it. Having thus delivered these "building blocks" to the site, I am breathing a second sigh of relief.

Meanwhile, the kids and I prepare to gather for our first Christmas since Nancy went home. There will be some more sighs, some of them will be sighs of longing for the final Holiday, The Day of HIS return.

First Anniversary Edition of the Blog

Our first posting on this site was one year ago today. We were scared, tentative, unsure what was to follow. The ride we took for the next nine months was full of twists and turns, sadness disappointments, and finally separation.

Still, I found myself thinking last week that God has been faithful. He somehow carried us through a very difficult chapter. I have retraced that steadfast love as I have written the last two days. He is good, but re-entering the story is very draining to say the least.

The year ahead seems unclear and lonely. My preliminary medical reports came back uncertain again tonight. I see the specialist Friday. Right now, I am afraid, and I don't like the prospect of ending the year with a health issue unresolved.

Tonight I can only ask HIM to remain faithful as the next year's journey begins.

First Love, Lasting Love

I will never forget "Joan." She had this spark that captivated me. We laughed together often. We shared many of the hopes and sorrows and struggles of American adolescence. I took her to two Homecoming dances at Rossville High School, including our Senior Year. That year the dance was stopped because the band, the one that Joan had hired, showed up stoned. Good times.

As I look back, I can honestly say that I was "in love" with Joan for a while. That first love was a tender teenage tug of the heart. But then, at some point, I fell out of love with her. Was it the letters I was receiving from the girl I met at yearbook camp? Or the realization that we were not made for each other after all? At any rate, that fragile first love was gone.

I thought of Joan this week as I realized where mourning Nancy was NOT taking me. I came to understand that grieving Nancy's death was not about "getting over her." No, I will not get over Nancy the way I got over Joan.

I will always love Nancy. Grieving the loss of a spouse just puts that love in perspective. The goal of mourning is to lay the foundation for the next chapter. Whatever I face, whoever comes my way, no matter where the journey takes me our love continues. Even though she is no longer at my side, she will always be in my heart.

Anyone Seen Frodo Lately?

Tonight I feel a bit of a kinship with Frodo Baggins. Remember how he had to carry The Ring to the mountains in order to destroy it? I am setting out on a similar quest the next few days. I will try to cast one of the "rings of grief" into a purifying fire.

How will this happen?? I plan to reopen my journals from our fight with cancer over the next few days. My goal will be to transcribe these notes onto my computer. I will work with the notes to see if there is a bigger story to recount than I have thus far shared. This will also help move me a few more steps through the valley of grief. It might result in preparing the story for a wider audience. In other words, I will revisit the question of whether I have a book to write from my journey with Nancy. So, pray for me to listen to Him as I try to move a bit further down the road.

Finally, I will have a test tomorrow to see if my readings will confirm the progress I have observed over the last few weeks. Pray for a lower PSA score and a steady heart.

The Tree is up

This afternoon I made the annual visit to the Roslyn Fire Station to purchase our tree. This evening Josh, Anne, Lucia and Micah joined KJ and me. We worked together to trim the tree and prepare the house to the receive the King. Later, we lit the third Advent Candle and sang a couple of carols as the angels danced on our ceiling.

This was a special bittersweet night. We remembered what we have lost this year, we acknowledge what she gained this year and we wait for what He has to offer us as we await His return.

One Generation Watches Another

This morning I headed over to the office to tie up some loose ends after A&O. I typed up my A&O debriefing notes, and headed down to North Philadelphia for the Ark Christmas party. The Ark is the after school program Josh runs at Vision of Missions Church. I sat in the back and watched him express love to these kids who have been so touched by the falleness of this world. I also gave thanks for the gentle way he loves the forgotten in the way his mother did, and the powerful way that he shares his father's passion for shining the light into dark places.

I am thankful for a fruitful week. God is good.

One Day, Nine Deliveries

If I was outside the delivery room yesterday, today I was back in time to "catch the baby." This morning I spent 4 hours facilitating a series of conference calls between our senior staff and field leaders in Europe and Africa. We offered all nine candidates roles with us. . Pray for them and us as we ponder the future---it was an intense day. A day amazingly ended with the gift of tickets to a luxury suite to watch the Sixers tonight....but that is another story.

Relief and Reproach

Interview day makes me feels like a dad waiting outside of the delivery room while his wife is in labor. After conducting a devotion on Mark 5:1-20---with special emphasis on vs. 19 and 20--I turn the candidates over to our interview teams for the day. I sorta pace around, do emails, make sure we keep on schedule and read preliminary reports. Hopefully by Thursday they will have made it through to appointment and will be in the hands of member care and I will begin focusing my team on the March prospects. But tomorrow morning beginning at 8 I will facilitate conference calls with team leaders as we try to formalize our decisions.

I have enjoyed this week immensely. A&O is the culmination of lots of hard work---a kind of harvest time, as well as a time of intense activity. Not since September '07 have I worked an A&O week without Nancy's illness hanging over us. I have found myself glad to be at this work without that burden---and then I catch myself. In one sense, I am not glad at all. I reproach myself for this odd sense of relief. And then I remember that such ambivalence is another part of this journey---each step brings a new and strange emotion across my path.

Out of the Office and into the Woods

The first day of A&O we continue to get to know one another. A series of presentations in the morning lets our candidates know us better.

In the afternoon we do a couple of group activities. The group managed to eliminate the entire population of Philadelphia by mishandling "Toxic Waste." But then they survived in the Northern Canadian woods in "Plane Crash." So, they batted .500. Seriously, a very good day. I love this stuff.

Dinner and Dreams

Progress in this season often comes from reclaiming my place in activities I love. Our WHM recruiting process climaxes in quarterly events called "A&O Week. Tonight we began the last A&O week of 2008 and the first I have done since Nancy went Home.

There were lingering memories of her as we gathered the candidates for dessert, storytelling and prayer. But there was also healing and hope. Nine people told us of their dreams of participating in our work around the world. More people are joining us on the road. I am reminded that the journey goes on, the path leads forward, and there is hope of reaching the other side of the valley.

No Denying It

I kept hearing that it is imporant to "move past denial" as I travel the valley of grief. For quite some time, that advice made no sense to me. I already knew that Nancy had gone Home. Had I not watched her draw her last breath? Had I not stood by her casket the night of the viewing and greeted friends who came to share our loss? So, what was moving past denial supposed to mean anyway?

Maybe this week I started to get it. I am moving past denial when I stop stuffing the church bulletin in my pocket Sunday morning because she won't want to read it later. I am moving past denial when I get in my car after work and start sobbing each night because she won't be there to greet me when I get home. Moving past denial requires me to sit in the lobby and screw up my courage before joining the office Christmas party alone.

Moving past denial has taken me into a dark part of this valley. But, it is a a place I must visit to get to the other side. This is a place that only His presence can illuminate. I think I can glimpse His Light leading me on.

Practical Petitions

1. Someone is moving into 315 this weekend! Our rental property 2 doors down had been vacant since August 30, so it's nice to have that pressure off. Pray that we will be good neighbors.
2. As I mentioned earlier, projects are piling up around the house. Pray that we can begin to sort through some of this backlog.
3. This is my first "post-Nancy Christmas shopping season." Pray for joy and discernment as I shop for the family.
4. The symptoms that sent me to a specialist a few weeks ago seem to have cleared up through antibiotics. I will take a blood test and see him next week. Pray for the encouraging developments to be confirmed that I have had an infection, not cancer.
5. Our Mobilization team is preparing to host nine new missionary candidates for A&O Week beginning Sunday. Pray for us to care for this crew wisely and warmly.

Opening the Doors to the Season of Hope

Christmas has always been a magical time for me, my favorite time of the year. I remember Christmas programs from grade school, candlelight services at Delia Presbyterian Church and chaotic Christmas mornings of gift opening as a kid. More recently, I remember building that wonder into our growing family, Christmas Eve performances at Glenside, and the special joy I took in shopping for Nancy.

A couple of years ago, Nancy found an awesome Advent calendar. It found pride of place on the mantle each December 1. Each day we opened another door as Christmas approached. Again last year Nancy and I dutifully kept the vigil going, even as the spectre of cancer loomed over our celebration. We opened the doors, and read the passages laid out in an Advent guide published by New Life Church.
This year I also refuse to let go of the wonder. We will open the doors each day. We will remind ourselves that He came once before to reverse the curse. He will return once again to restore all things.

goodbye & hello

Saturday night was special. KJ and I were invited to a dinner party hosted by Talitha Brauer. She and her family were old teammates and friends from our years in Ireland. Talitha has done internships with us, and then lived in the Philly area since college. In fact, she, Leah and Monica lived just two doors down from us during a fun and wacky year.

Lynn and TK remembering the Story

Now TK is headed to Prague to work with our ministry there. She is one of a growing number of second generation WHM--ers. To celebrate, she gathered a few of us together for a preliminary farewell to Philly night. There was plenty of good food, laughter and classic Talitha stories as we sat around the table that night.

Once again the Grand Cause is provoking a round of tearful farewells. They never get easier as Lynn L noted that night. But these are partings with purpose. He calls to "let goods and kindred go" that we might introduce others to the One we follow. So, truly Saturday was about saying goodbye to TK with the hope that someday we might say hello to others who have joined her --and us on the journey that leads safely home.

To the King and His Cause!