hopeful doctor's report

Dr. Meller thinks that I have an infection. So, he is extending the antibiotic treatment and wants me to see him in December. No guarantees, but this is more optimistic than I expected.

Once again I have to live with uncertainty. Why do I still find this hard? Why do I struggle to believe HE is good ALL the Time?

Pray for these nasty symptoms to abate, pray for healing pray for my faith.

PS-----Today we also give thanks for Lucia! She is 2 today!!! What a wonderful family we have.

Has it been two months, or 2000 years?

After Dad went Home I tried to call my mom on the anniversary of his death to let her know I remembered, that I was praying. On the 2 year anniversary call I remarked, "It doesn't seem like two years."

"Oh yes it does!" came her response.

Nancy went home two months ago today, and I now fully understand what Mom said about how slowly time passes once you lose your mate. It feels like decades since we were frying a turkey together last Thanksgiving, celebrating a Phillies's win, or I was watching her draw her last breath. Each day seems hours old before I make it out the door to work, and some of the evenings pass like weeks.

At the same time, I often wake up expecting to find her next to me, think of things to tell her driving home for work and hope to find her there when I walk in the door. It seems like just yesterday we were texting back and forth about a Friday night date. (I can't bear to delete one of those messages just yet.)

So, the valley of grief is a place where time itself seems distorted. Some moments are fleeting, others never end. But then again, our experience is myopic. Perhaps we actually gain glimpses of HIS perspective as we travel this Valley. After all, Peter reminds us that "with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day." Once again I see how Nancy is leading me to admit how very little I understand about reality after all. I am also certain her perspective on this earthly separation is currently far wiser, far more informed than mine.

Meanwhile, time feels further distorted as I am 24 hours away from seeing the specialist. Pray that I can know HIS presence as I begin the next mile with Dr. Meller FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 @ 11:30 AM, EASTERN TIME.

Reflections from Foggy Bottom

On a foggy night, the low lying areas are the most deeply affected. As I continue my walk in the valley, I feel like I am surrounded by clouds just now. The mist is pretty thick.

My zeal to look ahead is waning, I don' t have my usual interest in peering into the future. Planning beyond today seems pointless, especially as I face the possibility of illness and treatment. This is problematic when my work at WHM involves envisioning people for future ministry.

While eternity is closer with Nancy's departure, heaven still seems beyond my understanding, hidden in the midst. I can't see it's shape or colors; I can only hope that the clouds will be rolled back before I have to travel to that Land myself.

For now, we see in a mirror dimly, but then we will see facee to face.

Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I am fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:12

Down for the Count?

I just exchanged a couple of emails with a friend who is also walking a hard path through the valley of grief. He described his last few years as a boxing match. Each loss feels like another round in the ring. Doug then pointed to 2 Corinthians 4:8, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

Right now, as I grieve the recent past, endure some funky symptoms in the present, and await the next round of doctor's visits in the future, I feel like I am "on the canvas." Pray that He will help me get back on my feet. The contest is not over.

Out of gas, Out of courage

I came home last night to a call from Dr. Cowan informing me that my PSA score had doubled since April. So, today I started a round of antibiotics to combat the possibility of an infection.
Meanwhile, I will see a specialist a week from today. I don't need to tell my middle aged readers that this reading raises the possibility of cancer once again. It will take some time to sort out this latest development. So, I face a month of treatments, tests, and uncertainty.

How am I doing? I feel too dizzy to stand, much less walk. Right now, I like the idea of staying in bed for the next four weeks, only getting up for the required doctor's ppointments. Hopefully, tomorrow I will begin to regain my balance. But right now the tank is empty. Only HE can fill it as I travel the next mile.

drowning the din

Two weeks ago at the WHM leadership retreat Hunter Dockery reminded us the march of the Redeemer in history is the restoration of order to a chaotic universe. The last week or so I have heard the din from my internal chaos , have acted in chaotic fashion, and feel unable to restore order to my soul. Returning to work structures the day, but the chorus of chaos builds after 5pm. That din can drive me in a score of crazy directions better left unmentioned. I miss Nancy's soothing presence in my life and in our house most at night, the time when I am no longer Dan the Missions Mobilizer.

In the last week I have reached out to a couple of wise brothers to help me think through how to bring order to some of this chaos. Meanwhile, KJ and I have enjoyed some very sweet time together as well. But I know that I must learn to listen more intently. For that still, small voice. The One that says, "I am with you always, even to end of the age." Pray the HE blows the wax out of my ears.

Service Download

Yesterday a dear friend asked if there was a recording of Nancy's service. That prompted me to remember that I had not posted the link to an audio file WHM made availible to our mission family.

The link is noted in our Director's email to the mission family. I am sure you will also appreciate Bob's kind words as well as the chance to hear the service for yourself

From Bob Osborne:

Dear World Harvest Family,

I called a WHMer in Africa last week, only to find that she and a teammate had just met up to pray for Nancy Macha. What a sweet picture of fellowship in our mission family. At Nancy’s memorial service, Hunter Dockery (WHM board member and Ireland teammate of the Macha’s) spoke of the koinonia that comes from serving together in God’s Kingdom. He said, “There’s a kind of fellowship that comes from sitting around a pub or café together, but then there’s another kind, the kind that comes from throwing all that you have into a common venture and giving it all you’ve got.” Nancy’s memorial was a powerful testimony to the depth of the bonds that grow as we lay down our lives together for the world’s good and God’s glory.
I know many of you would have loved to have been there, and many were praying from far away. It was a bit of a WHM family reunion for those who could make it: Sending Center staff, WHM adult MKs, the Bartkoviches, Millers, Elwoods, Smallmans, Dockerys, Anguses, and other friends and family from early WHM and New Life Glenside days. Hunter gave a great message, full of the Gospel, and a picture of how God moved in Nancy’s life from their time in Ireland to now. Since you all have been following their journey through the blog, we thought it would be important to send the audio recording of the service, including Josh Macha’s tribute to Nancy. You can download the audio file at: http://www.mediafire.com/?9zau6msgil1

what IS she thinking?

Nancy spent much of the last 34 years looking out for me. Only this past year did our roles begin to reverse. Still each piece of bad news, from initial diagnosis to decision to stop chemo, prompted an “I’m sorry this is going to be hard for you.” No amount of assurance from me completely calmed her fears.

A couple of my recent meltdowns prompted me to wonder if I was letting her down. Perhaps I was causing her to worry. This troubled me.

I haven’t dusted off any systematic theology. But I did start thinking about how Hebrews 12 reminds us of the great cloud of witnesses that have gone before us. That helped.

Nancy has a seat in that stadium of heavenly spectators now. A luxury box, I suspect. And I began to picture her not downcast, but confident. It is as if I could hear her, say: “Come on, Rocky. You can make it. Sure you are stumbling, and you can’t manage to take care of yourself yet, but you can make it. I made it, and it’s worth it!”

I am sure she and many others who have finished the race are looking back cheering us across the tape. That image helps me face the day’s walk through the valley, even when I feel dry and empty, even when I stumble.

Ask HIM to remind me that the race is worth running even when the journey overwhelms me for a time.

permission to laugh

Nancy and I had our own language of laughter: pet names, running gags,and imaginary characters created a private world of joy that Nancy and I developed over our years together. Much of that became lost as the summer ended. And I don’t want recapture the pet names and stories just now---or probably ever.

But nothing gladdens my heart like laughing and making others smile. Returning to healthy living means teasing, exaggerating and acting generally like a “wild and crazy guy” from time to time. Humor is one straw HE gives me to drink from those springs found in Psalm 84.

I am thankful for the community of joy that I have at the WHM office. Today my longstanding support of Title IX and other progressive causes became an object of merriment even as we continued advancing the Grand Cause together. My coworkers have allowed me to shake free of sadness for long stretches each day. Slowly, I am reclaiming permission to laugh. These dear brothers and sisters help me believe that HE is going to sustain me through this valley.

A snapshot of His Purposes

When Nancy and I came back from Ireland in 1985 we had tasted defeat. Our first attempt at pulling together a faith community had ended in failure. We needed reinforcements. That led us to ask Hunter and Julie Dockery to join us...and to lead the newly rebuilt team.

We spent several years in Dublin together, learning to work together, learning to pray together, learning to love one another. To be honest, Hunter often carried me on his back, as Hope Christian Fellowship was born. The day we took Nancy to Keystone Hospice I called this comrade and asked him to come preach at Nancy's funeral. "I need the gift of your faith to help celebrate Nancy's trip Home when it comes" I told him. Naturally, when the time came, he and Julie came up from Winston-Salem, along with Ger and Wendy. These friends helped make the day a celebration of the Lion's victory over death.

When I came back from Ireland in 1992 I was definitely battle weary. As part of refitting for the next round of battle I attended the Arrow Leadership Program beginning that fall. One of the guys I met there was Tom Hawkes. I remember Tom's role in helping me figure out what direction HE might take me as I rolled into my 40's. Later, Tom and I spent time in Prague, laying the foundation for WHM's current work there.

Now both of these dear brothers serve on WHM's Board. In another moment of divine convergence, they presented me with a framed copy of the resolution WHM passed to honor Nancy's years of service. Such moments remind me that HE is stitching together a perfect tapestry from the confusing threads of our lives. While we wait for the summing up of all things in Christ for HIS glory, we are encouraged to get these snapshots of how it does all fit together. The snapshot below was such a moment for me!

Hunter, Dan and Tom at the WHM Board Meeting

Down in the Valley

Reading the words of a friend who lost her husband 1 ½ years ago, I was reminded that there is no quick path through this place. It’s not a pit. I am not stuck in a deep hole trying to climb out. Instead, I feel this feels like a long walk in a very low place. It feels like I am walking through a valley right now. As I pondered that image a couple of phrases from the Psalms came to mind.

Psalm 23 refers to the valley of the shadow of death. We had walked Nancy through that valley until she flew home from that valley. HE honored the promise of those traveling that valley: freedom from fear. So, often when we became afraid HE rescued us.

Now we are in another place. Psalm 84 talks about 'the valley of tears.' This is a place of extended sorrow and weeping as I get used to life without her. How do you get out of a valley? You cross it one step at a time. I am not sure how long it will take to get out of this long low spot. I just lay hold to the promise of HIS people moving through the Valley of Baca: He makes it a place of springs. He refreshes us as we move through this vale of tears and promises to strengthen us. Pray for us to continue this trek with patience and faith.

With this Ring

A couple of weeks after I spontaneously proposed to Nancy we launched "Parents' Weekend." Our mission was first to tell Jack and Evelyn that I had proposed to their daughter. So, Phase 1 took us to Kansas City. Then we were to drive to Delia to inform Joe and Vernadell that I had landed a city girl.

The weekend began with a trip to a jewelry store to pick out rings. We found matching yellow gold bands. Her engagement ring bore a modest diamond. Later we inscribed I John 4:19 on the inside: "We love because He first loved us." That verse reminded us that our love came the from heart of God. Her wedding ring was in need of repair going into 2008, but we just never got it fixed. I left it with her six weeks ago.

Since then, I pondered what to do with the band I wore for 33 years. Conversation with lots of folks left me convinced there was no consensus on how long one wears the departed's token. It was clearly "up to me."

For some reason, I didn't want to leave the ring on my left hand for years. That seemed no longer "correct" for some reason. Furthermore, I wanted to mark the end of the covenant we undertook on August 9, 1975. We had by God's grace kept our promises to one another reasonably well. To change the location of my wedding ring seemed an act of sober celebration for the completion of that contract.

I was not ready to put it in a drawer. Nancy's departure is still fresh, and she is never far from my thoughts. So, I decided to move the ring to the other hand. But when? I didn't want to make the transfer just any old time. I picked a special day. On October 6 we remembered Nancy at the WHM Board Meeting. I told the story of my impulsive proposal to the group before they presented me with their resolution passed to honor her. Then that night in our room, I switched the ring to my right hand, as I tearfully rejoiced that we had run a good race together. It was 34 years to the day after we first promised to make a joint journey.

Honestly, it has left me with an uncomfortable feeling. The ring feels tighter on my right hand, but I don't mind. The tightness on my finger reflects the tightness I feel in my throat several times a day. Six weeks after the covenant ended, it is right to feel the pain of having crossed the line together years earlier than expected.

After the Bell

I have spent the last two days on a planning retreat with the senior leadership of WHM. These folks are more than business associates. Guys like Hunter, Eric, Dan, Bob, Paul, Meredith and others have walked with me so long in so many different places. They are my brothers. The time away engaged my mind, encouraged my soul, and reignited my passions for the Grand Cause. It was also fun to eat, play and laugh.

But tonight, hearing the financial news, I realized how much I missed Nancy's quiet, calm faith. Having invested in the pearl of great price, she would have told me not to worry, suggested we pray and restored my sanity. Without her I find my stomach churning overtime. There is no rushing this process of walking without her.

WHM's Official Resolution to Honor Nancy

Yesterday, as part of their semi-annual meeting here in Philadelphia, WHM's Board of Directors presented me with a framed copy of the following resolution:

Then he comes to men and says, ‘I have sinned and perverted what was right, but I did not get what I deserved. He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit and I shall live to enjoy the light. God does all these things to a man—twice, even three times—to turn back his soul from the pit that the light of life may shine on him.’” Job 33:27-30

RESOLUTION OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF WORLD HARVEST MISSION


WHEREAS, Among the many blessings God has bestowed on World Harvest Mission has been the presence and ministry of Nancy Macha, who served among us for over 25 years, first in Ireland and then as a part of our Sending Center ministry; and

WHEREAS, God has faithfully brought to completion His work in Nancy’s life, bringing her home to be with Him on August 30, 2008; and

WHEREAS, The formal records of World Harvest Mission should reflect our thanks to God for the gift of Nancy to our mission family.

THEREFORE, The board of directors of World Harvest Mission assembled here today does resolve, in gratitude to God and with love for the Macha family:

ONE, That we praise the God Who sent Nancy to us. We praise Him for the ways He revealed Himself as Healer and Redeemer through Nancy’s story, and for the freedom, joy and simplicity He gave her through His love. His “light of life” shone through her (Job 33).

TWO, That we thank God for the artistic gifts which He gave to Nancy, and which she in turn shared with us. Her paintings have blessed many in the mission family, both in Philadelphia and around the world.

THIRD, That we thank God for Nancy’s deep commitment to and love for her children, all of whom are faithfully following the Lord: Leah and her husband Chris, Josh and his wife Anne, and Karen Joy (K.J.). Through her children, Nancy’s love for Christ will reach into future generations: Aiden, Jonah, Lucia, Katherine, Micah, and those yet to be born.

FOURTH, That we thank God for Nancy’s evangelistic heart, evidenced in her desire that even through the darkness of her illness, people would come to know her Savior. As Josh said at her Memorial Service, Nancy was a woman who knew she’d found the “pearl of great price,” and she never let it go.

FIFTH, That we praise God for Nancy’s steady, faithful love of Dan through 33 years of marriage. Nancy’s gift of a Mazda Miata to Dan on the occasion of his 50th birthday perfectly exemplifies the kind of open-handed, knowing love she had for her husband and life partner.

Joy mixes in with our sorrow; our loss is Heaven’s gain, and we rejoice that Nancy now knows her Savior face-to-face. With heartfelt gratitude and tears, we praise God for the gift of Nancy to World Harvest Mission, and pray God’s abundant comfort to Dan and the children as they grieve this loss.


Tom Hawkes, Chairman of the Board
On behalf of the World Harvest Mission family
October 6, 2008

You know I found myself gladdened to think how God had delivered this mistreated young girl to give her a place of honor among a movement impacting lives around the world. With this resolution Nancy's role in the life and ministry of WHM is fully acknowledged. What a joy to receive this token of her life among us.

She said YES!

As the first weekend of October 1974 began, I was considering a hard decision. Perhaps it was time to break up with Nancy. Graduation was only months away. Were we headed in the same direction? Were we compatible? These thoughts were buzzing around in my head on Friday.

But then came Sunday, October 6. After we returned from church, she gave me my birthday presents. They were cool. The "Four Translation Parallel Edition" Bible bore her inscription of 1 Corinthians 13 (The Love Chapter) inside the front cover. Then I opened up this bottle upon which she had laminated mementos of our early dates. Very thoughtful stuff.

Suddenly, I found myself saying, "Do you want to think about getting married?"

"Yes," came the answer. Quickly. Followed by a kiss.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

The second "Yes!" was followed by another kiss.

So, there we were. Engaged. Before I knew it. No surprise proposal. No getting down on bended knee. I was spontaneous. She was certain. And if you have ever visited this blog before, you know we journeyed in the same direction with a surprising level of harmony.

So, today, as I mark my 55th birthday, I am sad we are not celebrating together. But I am far more glad that she said, "yes!"

Apple Pie and a Jack-O-Lantern to Go

You know up on the farm we worked hard and I wasn't every very good at farm work. But to my shame, I thought city folk were much smarter than we were. I was wrong. City people will go to the country and pay for the chance to undertake agricultural labor. They call this visiting a "pick your own" orchard. Today, I visited one with the kids and grand kids. We paid to pick apples today----and it was worth it.

Seriously, it was great to be with all five grand kids, Anne, Chris and Leah and other family and friends today. We enjoyed a beautiful fall morning under clear skies, and came away with apples to eat and a pumpkin to carve. This weekend we are gathering to celebrate my 55th birthday. I can't tell you how much it means to mark this bittersweet time with folks I love. Leah is every bit as much a verbal processor as I am and it is good to be able to grieve aloud with her even as we make new memories.

This weekend reminds me that we journey on as a family. My trip to the orchard suggested He has more fruit for me to pick along the way Home.

Celebrating a day of broken dreams and arms

Like a lot of young boys, I dreamed of being a football hero. Why not? I had watched my brothers enjoy moments of gridiron glory. I was certain I would follow in their footsteps. But 41 years ago today, an awkward stumble in a scrimmage left me writing in agony with a compound fracture of my right arm. Though I kept at baseball, basketball and track after that, I never again hopefully dreamed of finding notoriety through sports. Instead, my passions were increasingly centered around writing, speaking and drama. So, that moment of brokenness redirected my life.

I am comforted by that thought today. Losing Nancy has left me feeling broken. It seems that more than my right arm is in a cast. But, over the years, I have come to see how often brokenness has preceded blessing. Emotional, spiritual, relational weakness often leads us toward new vision and healing. I don't like the way this feels. But ,on an anniversary of broken childhood dreams, I look to HIM to mend my fractured spirit and to take me to a place of reborn dreams.

A month in Glory

Nancy spent the month of September in Glory. I spent the month of September in Glenside. I am sure she got the better end of the deal, but I am not going to complain. We were both dwelling where Our Father had placed us. HE knows best.

The sense of "journeying together" is actually growing, even though Nancy's role as a fellow traveller has changed. For years, her loving example instructed me. Now I don't watch her showing me how to follow Christ; instead, I have to pause and reflect on the lessons she taught me.

Although Nancy could be painfully shy at times, she was tenacious in engaging people when necessary. She just wouldn't back off if she felt called to stay connected. Yesterday I found myself in some situations where my default response would have been to back away. But somehow her example was used to keep me moving forward.

Don't get me wrong, I am not going to try to get Christian bookstores to replace all the WWJD bracelets with items bearing WWND. Nor do I even plan to ask KJ to design these for our family. At the same time I have found myself drawing on the lessons of my mentor Jack for years, so it is probably quite appropriate to reflect on the way Nancy walked through life as I continue the journey with her in Glory.