Spinning out of Control, Tumbling under Control

I took over all laundry responsibilities about 15 months ago. Since then, the washer’s cycle has been branded into my mind. No way would I ever pull a load of shirts out of the Maytag after the “wash” phase had been completed. There are still “rinse” and “spin” to pass through before transferring them over to the dryer. This month, I have gone through a “laundry cycle” within my soul. It spun around like this:

My heart acknowledged a good desire

That birthed a wonderful dream

That fostered a strong determination

That mutated into an impatient demand

That sank me into hopeless desperation

That led me back to chastened dependence

Upon the Author of My Dream

Thus, another load of my soul’s laundry is done.
Apparently, it does “come out in the wash” after all.

Preparing to Launch Another Generation

The chance to spend the weekend with 19 WHM Summer Interns stokes my desire to live as a middle aged radical follower of the One who gave it all up for me. The cause remains exciting after 35 years living the Dream.

Part of the weekend is spent learning to trust one another, even as you learn about trusting HIM.

Even when I am old and gray do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. Psalm 71:18

One Generation Radicalizes Another

Tonight David and Claire led 19 WHM summer interns through our first night of Spring Training. Our goal was to get these students from all over the USA to come together and pray and dream and learn about their summer experience. It is always good to be with a group of young folks who are straining to break away from the status quo and do something for the King. The night was especially sweet as I watched this young couple, in love and on their way to a lifetime of following HIM together encouraging folks only a few years younger to take the risk.

They let me do a devotional before the prayer time in which I shared that the word "radical" comes from the word rooted. So, I challenged them to become young radicals so grounded in Christ that they can stand against the stresses and storms of this life, calling others to Christ. Yep, tonight I "preached to myself" reminding myself to sink deeper roots in HIM, while thanking him for helping me stand up to the storms as I face suffering. It has, after all, been a wonderful life, and the Best is Yet to Be.

It Takes More Than a Village

Coworkers who delay a meeting to listen and pray with me when I am having "a day,"
Fellow elders who meet with me weekly to pray and ask me questions,
A friendly cashier at O'Neil's who always asks me how I am doing,
A dear sister and friend who speaks truth into my life just as she has for years,
Loving children who mourn right alongside their sad dad,
Prayer warriors who send me notes to remind they are still there,
Faithful readers who encourage me to keep recording the journey,
A prayer partner whose heart beats closely to mine
A Patient Father who welcomes me just as I am

It takes all these to keep a wounded man climbing on a rainy night in March
Thanks to each one of you, with special praise to HIM.

Stumbling and Rising

Nobody said that the way out of the valley would be easy. Recently, I stubbed my toe trying to climb out of the valley. Sometimes I try to climb too far too fast. I stop listening and start demanding. At such times I am tempted to try to sink into self-pity or self-justification.

Today I remembered Josiah Bancroft's question, "Would you rather be right or forgiven?" The default setting of my heart is to demand to be "right". But when the Spirit hits the reset button I stop defending myself and try to reconcile with those I have knocked down on the climb. Then the gospel gives me grace and hope to resume the climb.

Clearly, I still have quite a way to go. But when I fall down HE picks me up.

A friend at mid-century

As you age, you have more chance to reflect on the faithfullness of the Father. During this season of upheaval I have often given thanks for the length and depth of the frienships that God has given me as I have walked with him as a follower for 35 years now.

Paul and Lynn Leary have stood with me for days at every Urbana missions conference since 1993, for months as we walked Nancy Home, and for almost twenty years since they joined WHM.

They remain good and true friends in the weeks since I began journeying solo, praying, counseling, encouraging and welcoming me as I walked through the valley of grief and begin the tricky ascent toward the hills of hope.

Last night we gathered to celebrate Paul's 50th birthday. Food, beverage, laughter and memories resounded in their Wyncote home. Quietly, in my heart, I rejoiced. Most of the wealth HE has given me has come through friends.

Sharing Wounded Love

Losing a spouse leaves a deep wound. For the rest of your life, I suppose. My friend Dan recently told me "You never get over it." Does this woundedness keep you in the valley forever then?? No. I think not. But how does this affect your capacity to live, to minister, to give love?

Consider this: All true love is wounded love. In fact, the Cross is the supreme example of wounded love for "HE was wounded for our transgressions." Somehow I think OUR wounds are meant to take us to the Cross where we gaze on the scar that heals all wounds. Then we begin to love as people who have received HIS healing love. In that way our deepest wound can become the spot where the love of Jesus overflows into the lives of those around us.

I am mindful of my wound as I try to encourage a young prospective missionary, reach out to the family, or encourage a disheartened friend. But I am confident that we together can cling to the knowledge that "by HIS stripes we are healed."

Let HIM Love You

This road can get awfully noisy sometimes. Perhaps there is more static buzzing around me since I began to feel I was climbing out of the valley. I get snatches of advice, and encouragement from those who observe my journey. All good stuff. And yet, it is so easy to lose focus, get confused by the chorus of words and to wonder what my calling is at this stage of the journey.

At one of the day's "meltdown moments" I reflected on the words a respected but wounded Christian leader shared at a meeting I attended this week. He reminded us that Mother Teresa once told a troubled brother:

"Your calling is to let Jesus love you

And to love others out of the overflow of his love!"

Today as I try to keep climbing, I remember that it is time to stop and let My Older Brother love me, so that I can once more leak his love unto those around me. Do you need to pause at this point, too? Join me for 30 seconds as we contemplate the height and depth and width of HIS affection for HIS kids.

Happy St. Pat's Day

This poem was traditionally ascribed to St. Patrick. Though not likely written by him "St. Patrick's Breastplate" takes me into the rich world of Irish spirituality. In that light I share it here:


I arise today
Through a mighty strength,
the invocation of the Trinity,
Through the belief in the threeness,
Through the confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the Judgment Day.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of demons,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,A
far and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me abundance of reward.

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength,
the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

Following Someone Out of the Valley

You need a lot of role models to make this climb. Yesterday on what could have been a sad and melancholy occasion I watched a friend repeatedly choose laughter over tears, joy over sorrow, hope over regret. It was a wonder to behold!

And yet at the height of our joy we found ourselves saying "come soon, Lord Jesus" for only then will all of our heartache fade away......Nevertheless, we can dance because the tunes we hear down here lighten the troubled heart and we announce together that the best is yet to be!!

Climbing Up, Glancing Back

I face "crosswinds" climbing out of the valley. Each step brings new hope, new affirmation, new friendship, new possibilities. But each one of those steps also requires giving myself permission to listen, laugh and love rather than endlessly replay the dirges of sorrow. I must remind myself that neither surgery, nor chemo, nor home infusion, nor prayer changed Nancy's destination point on the journey. So, no amount of our tears, or memories, or wishes could place her back by my side again. And why would she want to leave HIS house for mine?


Yesterday's path took me to embrace a young missionary, to pray for survivor's courage for Leah, KJ and Josh, and to relish the taste of a Guiness in an Irish pub! (Okay, it was in West Chester, not Rathfarnham; but the furniture came from Eire.) The climb continues. I am thankful for refreshment along the way!

Seven Successful Deliveries

Today I extended the image of WHM's A&O (Candidate Week) being like having babies. This morning began with a friend's email "delivery" of "scrubs" for the Delivery Room. During the morning I decided to play out that image for all it was worth as we worked to make decisions about the seven missionary candidates. Each decision to appoint was greeted with the comment that we had twins, triplets and all the way up to "Septuplets." By then the rest of the Appointment Team were rolling their eyes, accusing me of bouncing off the walls and threatening to throw their laptops at me. But I persevered in response to the great joy I find in helping folks move out in faith, and a friend's prayers that I experience laughter each day. (Well, I was laughing.)

It was a sober and wonderful thing to appoint a family who rejected a cushy medical practice for the challenges of healing in Western Uganda, a couple who had recently endured his fifteen months in a combat zone and are now willing to enter a spiritual combat zone for the name of Jesus, three singles beginning to pursue Kingdom Dreams. Truly, Kingdom Work is far too important to undertake joylessly. So, join HIM in laughing as fun-filled faith chases away the darkness this day.

A Day to Share the Dream

Monday morning of A&O Week we try to let our candidates get to know WHM. That means that I walk the folks through the birth and development of our movement. They hear about Jack whose vision propelled us into the fields. They hear that God has built that vision into a movement that has grown around the world. They hear about how my dad's wheat crops prepared me to follow Jack in gathering Kingdom Crops. They hear about how Nancy and I chased a dream together for 33 years. And this day they saw my tears---for just a second. My intent was to show them that they also follow a Faithful God who will sustain them as they pursue their dreams.

Some of them informally heard of the new path I am on. And they seemed gladdened that an older brother is still willing to reach for a dream even as he climbs out a deep valley. Where will these dreams take any of us? Tonight I rejoice that The Giver of Good Dreams knows.

I'll Never Walk Alone

Yesterday provided the first strong hints of spring. The temperature climbed to around 70 and buds were visible on trees. So a friend and I set out on a hike. The trail took us down a ridge to the edge of the Susquehanna River. After viewing some marvelous rock formations we completed the loop back up to the top of the ridge. We took turns challenging, cautioning, pushing, and shoving one another along the path. By the time we were back to the start we were winded but exhilarated by the adventure.

Along the trek, I realized that HE had given me another picture of the way out of the valley of grief. I will never complete this ascent alone. I need folks who can carry me up the steep parts of the hill. But if I keep walking, HE will provide those buddies. Like the one who helped me yesterday.

PS. The view from the top was worth the climb!

A Few More Steps Upward

You don't realize that you are climbing out of the valley the day you begin. It is only now that I can look back and see that the ascent seems to have begun.

How do you know when those steps have been taken? My first signpost came with the realization that the present and future filled my mind more often then the past. Then I started to find joy, real joy in being in groups. Then I experienced the energy to comfort someone else who was sad and confused. A friend's prayers that each day would include laughter was answered yesterday as I overwhelmed a staff meeting with a spasm that sucked the air out the room. Tonight I look forward to exploring a new trail on the weekend.

Do I understand this path I am on? Not by much. But it is nice to feel the wind at my back at least for now.

Grazing

My relationship to food changed somewhere along this road. I love to eat! I used to count the hours between meals. But, the thought "only two more hours 'til I strap on the feedback!" has been replaced by "Oh crap, It's 5pm! I gotta figure out what's for dinner tonight!"

Once again I confess that we had a "traditional" approach to cooking. She cooked, I ate. Not a great background for my current situation. People have been more than good about "feeding me" from time to time. But more often than not, Dan-O is on his own when the dinner bell rings these days. And slowly I learned that crock pot prep is pretty cool, that an omelet is a viable dinner option, that throwing a piece of meat into the skillet gets you half way there. Still, I don't see myself appearing as a finalist on Top Chef next season. I just don't get seasoning.

There is aways eating out. But you only have to hear the host at a restaurant patronizingly ask, "Only one?" to decide you aren't going to eat out solo all that often. And when you do have a companion at a restaurant, you are so taken by the chance for meal conversation that you forget to eat. Recently, a friend patiently waited for me to finish my steak and baked potato and waited, and waited. Two hours into the meal I let the waitress clear my plate. Ah, the conversation was far more nourishing anyway.

Of course, I have dropped a few pounds this past year. Not a bad thing for a guy who didn't wear horizontal stripes as a kid. (Not a slimming look, after all.) Yep, walking this road impacts just about every part of your life. You either learn to embrace the new adventure or shrivel into a mound of self pity. Help me ascend Mount Adventure!! The vale of Self-pity is too dark to inhabit.

Climbing out of the Valley

We were walking across the KSU campus one night when something dawned on me. So, I turned to Nancy and said, "I think I love you."

"Well, I know I love you," she evenly replied.

I am sure I held her for a minute, and then I asked, "So, what do we now?" After all this was a rather momentous occasion. The first, "I love you" is never repeatable.

"Let's go to the movies as planned," she patiently replied.

That was my Nancy; she always just took the next step forward. Always steady, never confused.
Six months ago today I took my first steps away from her grave, after the final act of our physical separation: internment. Since then I have walked through this valley of grief. But having turned the six month corner, the landscape is changing. It is not "taking me away from her homegoing". It is taking me toward the rest of my life. It is a puzzling road, full of twists and turns. It is also a bit of a steep climb. Sometimes it seems to turn back toward the dark valley. I have and will stumble before I ascend the heights that appear to lie ahead.

But she who taught me to take life one step at a time would be the first to encourage me to keep my eyes on the road ahead. And so, as I move halfway past this traditional year long journey, I fix my gaze forward. Encourage me to climb!

Modest Peaks Pop Up in the Valley

Today I realized that I am not just walking endlessly through a long dry valley any more. I sometimes feel like I am climbing a gentle slope and looking out toward the horizon. For example, I recently experienced the song Blessed Be Your Name in a setting that prompted me to believe I might be nearing a season in which God is "giving new things" at a rate faster than He is "taking them away." The song has now become more than a painful memory of Nancy's funeral. It announces my hope that life may again hold more of the "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

But those high points can be swiftly followed by the realization that I have some more steps to take before I climb out of this valley. And since last week I have been remembering that my kids slog through this valley as well.

Still, these brief ascents are nourishing my soul. They lift my eyes onward and upward toward the higher calling of my Lord. Besides doesn't HE also promise to allow us to walk with hinds feet on high places?

The Man Who Recruited Me to WHM

Thirteen years ago today I was in upstate New York for a missions conference when my brothers called me to tell me that Dad had left this earth. He never went to high school, but he had put three sons through college. His example taught me to pursue my dreams with determination, give everything I have to the task at hand, and take great delight in the fruit of my labor. Though he never tried to "disciple" me, the lessons he taught me in the fields of our Kansas farm took me to "mission fields" around the world.

He had prepared me to understand the meaning of Jesus' words in John 4.35 "the fields are ripe for harvest." In later years I told his story from pulpits and lecterns across the globe. This night I honor him as I continue to press on toward that which he has already claimed.