Death of Beauty/Birth of Beauty

Nine months ago today I woke up to blue sky and chirping birds. Nine months ago today I woke up in a room with Nancy for the last time. That day included the sad beauty of our last few hours together. Then she went Home.

This morning began beautifully. Sunlight flooded my room. Birds sang nearby. (Yes, even on Easton Road.) HE has created a new day. HE has opened up new paths to walk. Old friends walk along those paths with me. Important new ones as well. Nine months. They have given birth to a new life.

Speculations at Dusk

It's Thursday night. My sinuses are throbbing. Teddie and I are hanging out alone. And I start speculating about a different kind of life.

• What it would be like to live a life without suffering?
• What would it be like not to fear?
• Never to be alone?
• Never to have to say goodbye to someone you love?
• Never to have to wait to realize a dream?
• Never to worry?
• Never to fail?
• Never to know sickness?

Yeah, then I return to reality. To the knowledge that each of these discomforts have driven me to seek HIS face with passion and urgency. And I reluctantly thank HIM for this hard path.

And ask HIM to come. Soon. But not 'til I learn to rejoice in all circumstances.

Family Solidarity

The journey out of the valley is never a solo trek. My kids and I walk this road together. This weekend they took some huge risks in affirming me as I move forward. In turn, I like to think that their bravery will help them travel forward without their mom. I know this: their quiet valor encourages me to press on, even while I make sure that we remain connected.

Risk/Reward Analysis

What if some of the efforts to stay out of the valley don't suceed? What if I stumble and fall along the way? After all, remaining in the valley was somehow safe because it didn't risk failure.

On the other hand, failing to try is failing. Some of my efforts to climb have led me to stumble and fall. Sometimes I crash into someone close by me on the road.Years ago a friend gave us a postcard with these words from Roy Hession:

"Jesus is not shocked at human failure;

rather He is at home in it, drawn by it,

knowing what do do about it,

for He in Himself and in His blood

is the answer to it all."

We often find the healing presence of Jesus in the shape of those He sends. Friends and my kids have been amazing. They have hung, wept with me, prayed for me, and listened to me. They have not left me alone. Together we have found Jesus who is whole and strong in the moments we feel most broken and weak. I am confident that HE will continue to walk beside me toward the future.

Pack up the Moving Van

I shall always remember the valley of tears, the road of mourning and sorrow. That place was my address for months.

Somehow, in mid winter, I began visiting other locations. There were hours spent in the plains of hope, even moments atop the mountains of joy and laughter. You see, when I transversed the valley of Bacca HE made it a place of springs(Ps. 84:6). Then, as I drank from those springs, I gained the strength to pursue new and hopeful paths again. Over time, sitting alone and weeping gave way to smelling the flowers and gazing at the stars.

My journey is now one of hope and opportunity. I am definitely living for the future again. Don't get me wrong; the shadow of the past looms large. I will always miss the friend of my youth. A piece of me has been lost somewhere along that bumpy avenue. But I don't live there any more.

Now I am pursuing a new address. I may even find the street soon. Then I will begin looking at house numbers. What will it look like to go "back to the future?" Who knows, but I am convinced the best is yet to come.

It's about HIS Fame

This morning a young woman within the WHM family is facing a procedure after the premature end of her pregnancy. The fact that she was not carrying a viable baby makes the outcome no less painful, no less stark, no less outrageous.

As we were praying for Katie this morning, I was suddenly struck with how timid most of my prayers seem. I pray for health and comfort and happiness for our family around the world. All that is good stuff. After all, we have a loving Heavenly Father who delights to hand out good gifts to his kids. So, I should ask away. Still, there is a deeper level of asking, a richer vein of ore to be mined. I found myself asking HIM to bring glory to Himself through our family, that we would make Him famous in sickness or in health, in happiness or in sorrow, in success or in failure.

You would think that I would just naturally go there in my petitions for myself and others. After 35 years of walking behind HIM. After the adventures of the last 18 months. As a friend and I try to climb out of the valley only to find ourselves covered in spider webs with no quick end in sight. You would think I would just surrender my agenda and run to HIM for marching orders. But that is just not the default setting of this selfish heart.

Still, the Spirit gently prompts me to "recalculate." And I remember to join Paul in praying that HE be exalted in my body whether by life or death. And I leave it to HIM to determine the highway of exaltation that I am to drive.

Finding Second Gear

The transmission of my soul has never had a "middle gear." I can remain in neutral, putter along in first, or go flat out.

When I see the road that is opening in front of me, I want to go 75 miles per hour. Since this part of the journey involves a course full of bumps, curves and uncharted terrain, I have to "proceed with prudence." In other words, I should find a middle gear.

Some days that feels tough. But a Tim Keller sermon recently reminded me that joy is found in yielding control to HIM. Thus, I must follow his directions at His time toward His future. But, O Lord, I so want to set my own course and speed. Hold me in check, for my good and Your Glory!

A Pioneer Ponders

Years ago I heard a special song while driving to a supporting church. "Pioneer" describes both the loneliness and the joy I find in being at the spearhead of ministry. It explains what it was like to lay the foundation for the work in Ireland. It captures my calling in returning to the WHM office when we were creating the infrastructure for sustainable overseas missions. It sings of the essence of what I have done in building new teams and launching missionaries toward the field.

Pioneer, pioneer

Keep pressing onward, beyond your fears

Only the Father goes before you

To your own frontier

You're a pioneer

You travel light, you travel alone

And when you arrive, nobody knows

But the Father in heaven, He's glad you can go

For those who come after you, will need the road.

What you have done others will do

Bigger and better and faster than you

But you can't look back

No, you gotta keep pressing through

There's a wilderness pathway

and it's calling you

So keep pressing onward--you can't stay here

Only the Father goes before you

to your own frontier--you're a pioneer

Nancy Honeytree

What does it now mean to be a 55 year old pioneer who has watched "my homestead" leveled this past year? A widower nine months into a new leg of the journey?? A guy who has never been that enlivened by routine who now contemplates vital new partnerships and intriguing possibilities??? Where does this old frontier scout go??

Only the Father goes before me to my own frontier--I'm a pioneer. Pray for me. I will keep you posted as the journey moves from the valley to the frontier.

Resting in HIs Love

Rebuilding this life sometimes seems overwhelming. It's been like walking into your garage and finding out that the engine in your car has been removed, disassembled and left on the work bench. Where do you start?

I still wonder what part of life I need to really "master" first. Work? Church? New Relationships? Old friendships? Family? Of course the answer to all of the above is "YES." That's why it's complicated.

But then there are moments of great clarity. When it's no more work than laying outside looking at the stars on a mild spring night. And I realize that the real answer comes in the moment when I rest in HIS love--however it is found.

Savage Joy Born From Sorrow

Tonight I joined brother elders in praying for a pilgrim headed home. Lacy appears to be nearing the final stretches of a long battle with cancer. She asked us to come to her home and pray and anoint her with oil.

I was honored to do so as she was part of a group of women who had come around Nancy once she was diagnosed with cancer. Now it was time to acknowledge the strange and special partnership that suffering yields.

Yes, it was challenging to walk into the valley once more. Watching Lacy squirm in pain brought me back to places of pain I would rather avoid. This is not what HE intended when HE spoke creation. I shouldn't have to watch this again. No one should have to experience this again.

Still, you go because there was never a place so dark that HE avoided. But there is more than stoic endurance to be found here. Somehow when HE shows up among suffering HIS peace flows over the pain. A mysterious "healing" happens. And there is fierce joy in the expectation that another weary traveller is about to find her race completed.

And you hear the crowded stadium resound again with cheers: "C'mon sister stay the course. You are almost there!!!"

Two Portraits of Love

At Calvary I encounter
My Creator
Mounting a Cross
Welcoming me.

A picture of sacrifice
Sketched in sorrow

Yesterday I hear
My KJ
Rising before dawn
Working a Breast Cancer walk.

A picture of sacrifice
Sketched in sorrow

Each embraces pain
On behalf of another
To show me how to love

Mother's Day Rembrance

Mother's Day

Thousands walk to remember those torn away from loved ones through the scourge of breast cancer. And for the first year someone walks in memory of Nancy. Today I rejoice that her race is run. Meanwhile, we walk on without her.

A Gentle Advance

A warm Friday night
The showers hang back

At the ballpark
With new friends

Great bbq from Bull
Fine adult beverages.

Cole Hamels is dealing.
Our boys are hitting
Another step is taken

Tonight the valley
Is more memory
Than it is reality.

Thanks Phillies and friends.

Work in Progress

The living room, dining room, and upstairs hallway are now painted, the wonderful "sycamore" color that we first applied years ago. But the house is not quite reassembled as there is a bit more to tackle. It is good to have the work under way. And so I don't mind that I am living in "a work in progress." It's just comforting to "see the progress" again.

Work in progress? That describes us, that describes you and me and all those who follow Jesus until the moment He calls us Home. Tonight many things remain only half done. The climb out of the valley is not yet over and traveling companions both old and new are helping me find a renewed zest for the pilgrimage. It is just good to know that He who began the good work in us will "finish the job" on His day.

Breaking Free of the Vicious Circles

For years we had talked about having insulation blown into the walls of our house. We knew that such a move would reduce the traffic noise from Easton Road as well as cut down on heating costs in winter. Finally we made the arrangements. The last week of November 2007 the crew bored a number of holes into the walls facing the exterior of the house and blew in the insulation. The holes were covered over by little Styrofoam circles. No problem. We would paint the walls together at some point.

Nancy's cancer diagnosis that November 30 forestalled the project. "Why do this during the Christmas season," we thought. We'd tackle it after surgery. Then, after chemo. And then the sharp pain one year ago yesterday put the project on hold. Those white circles stared back at us. Mocking us. Crying out about a life interrupted, then a life terminated.

Finally this weekend we launched the repainting effort. Today Paul painted the living room. One more step in the climb out of the valley. Moving toward the future one stroke at time.

The Road to Travel

A year ago this morning Nancy woke up with a stabbing shoulder pain and a slight fever. It was the beginning of the end of her fight with cancer. Less than four months later we walked away from her grave. During those months I learned a lot about surrendering the one you love to the care of HIM who knows our greatest good.

How do those lessons impact my life these days? Less than twelve hours ago I had to let go of something I was "banking on" for the greater good of someone I cherish. A few years ago, I might have tried to get my way in such a stiuation through emotion, persuasion, or manipulation. But HE has taught me much about letting go of the small stuff in order to pursue the higher calling. So, gently (if reluctantly) I set aside my agenda and affirmed my friend's courageous decision.

This current path is sometimes confusing and chaotic. But then in an instant it gets real simple. I am called to walk a journey of love.

Taking the Heat for Partners

Last night a friend and I watched the movie "Fireproof". The film centered around a Fire Captain's journey to faith in Christ and reconciliation with his estranged wife. Unfolding that story took us through a couple of rescue scenes. Along the way, I was captured by the line, "Never leave your partner in a burning building."

This week I actually went into "burning rooms" to be with good partners. Both experiences were worth it. They brought opportunities to "bear one another's burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ." Both were paybacks for the way these folks had loved me while I was deep in the valley.

Yeah, we risk, and we run to our friends in need because that's what partners do. And we come out unscathed because HE has delivered us from the flames. Risk? Not Hardly. Blessing? You bet.

He Lives!

Reading through ACTS right now, I see the resurrection at the heart of every sermon. The apostles outfought, outlived and out died every other force on earth because they believed Jesus had conquered death.

As one of the first songs I encountered when I began following Jesus proclaimed, "Because HE lives, I can face tomorrow."I have walked these past eight months because HE lives. Tuesday I sat unafraid watching my friend's journey end on this earth because HE lives. I am exploring exciting options right now because HE lives. Wherever this journey takes me, I continue a real partnership with a Living Lord.

He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!!

I intend to keep it that simple.