I will never forget "Joan." She had this spark that captivated me. We laughed together often. We shared many of the hopes and sorrows and struggles of American adolescence. I took her to two Homecoming dances at Rossville High School, including our Senior Year. That year the dance was stopped because the band, the one that Joan had hired, showed up stoned. Good times.
As I look back, I can honestly say that I was "in love" with Joan for a while. That first love was a tender teenage tug of the heart. But then, at some point, I fell out of love with her. Was it the letters I was receiving from the girl I met at yearbook camp? Or the realization that we were not made for each other after all? At any rate, that fragile first love was gone.
I thought of Joan this week as I realized where mourning Nancy was NOT taking me. I came to understand that grieving Nancy's death was not about "getting over her." No, I will not get over Nancy the way I got over Joan.
I will always love Nancy. Grieving the loss of a spouse just puts that love in perspective. The goal of mourning is to lay the foundation for the next chapter. Whatever I face, whoever comes my way, no matter where the journey takes me our love continues. Even though she is no longer at my side, she will always be in my heart.
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2 comments:
Just what a friend, widowed twice, told me yesterday. You are exactly right; her experience echoes your reflections.
Dan, what a beautifully written testimony to your constant and eternal love relationship with Nancy. After Jess went to Heaven, many well meaning people kept telling me I needed to "let go" of her, which sounded like an absurd and impossible idea. A friend whose son went to Heaven 10 years ago at the age of 17 (after a five year battle with bone cancer) told me that she has never "let go" of Joe and never will. She also said she still had a relationship with Joe in her "spirit and soul," and that while her relationship with him is not what she had expected it to be, she ended by saying "I am not without my precious son, for I take him with me wherever I go." I thought that was such a beautiful way of saying that having a loved one in Heaven does not in any way diminish the love you share; it only redefines and strengthens the bond that will stand the test of time and will remain for all eternity. Nancy lives right there with you in your heart and in your soul, and she is with you every day.
I also was very moved by your statement that "the goal of mourning is to lay the foundation for the next chapter." I have been searching for words to describe this phase of mourning where I seek to redefine the purpose of my next phase of life, my "Act 2" as my husband and I call it. You have given me the ability to now concretely state to myself and others what my goal is right now - to lay the foundation for my "Act 2." Thank you for eloquently defining what it is we are doing and as always, for the courage and compassion you show as you continue to let us walk along side you on this journey. God bless - Cindy
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