Nancy left me three months ago today. A season has passed without her. Here are a few contradictions, and conclusions as I review the season just past.
I am even gladder that we helped her to end her journey well, but sadder she is not walking beside me still.
Perhaps I most miss being with her without having to be “on” for her. Can I ever find other places “not to be on?”
I miss having a companion in silence. Where and how do you replace that companion and friend?
I am still learning things about her. Why does that surprise me? Perspective brings insight, I suppose.
I often hate being alone, I frequently come apart in groups.
I want to be with friends who can help me remember and mourn, I sometimes want to be with people who never knew me as one half of "Dan and Nancy."
People say that they want to help, I don’t know how to tell them to help
I have noticed that being invited over meals feels good, having someone come over---bringing a meal along---feels even better.
The sound of a loving voice is far more encouraging than the sight of an email or Facebook message.
I am becoming more productive, but I have more days when I just want to stay in bed.
I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of grief; the end of the road through this valley is not yet in sight.
I know God didn’t take Nancy home “so that” I would grow closer to Him, but I must grow closer to Him to heal the wound of her passing.
I want time to pass so that it will bring healing, I want time to end and cease the need for healing.
2 comments:
Here is where I feel my lack of understanding so keenly. I want badly to offer some sort of insight or word of encouragement at the thoughts you have just shared, but don't know how I can do it. I simply don't know what you are going through. I've not been where you are before. Still, I long to bless you and your family. Keep writing, keep letting us in on what you are thinking and feeling, and we can at least pray more intelligently. Oh, may God bless you even tonight, as you go into another night without your beloved. And may He bring peace that passes all understanding as you get up and make the coffee in the morning.
Dan, your heart is revealed. I hear you.
Cindy
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