In the spring of 2006 HE laid a very strange request on my heart. I began to ask God to give me the privilege of caring for my wife when she died. I had in mind that I would be there to care for her when her health failed in old age. HIS timetable was different. Little more than two years later Nancy went Home while I sat beside her. It was the saddest, richest and most fulfilling ministry that I have ever undertaken in HIS Name. I will always regard that chapter as a gift that spared Nancy the trauma of suffering alone.
But now I live with the aftermath of that ministry. The sense of loneliness made the last weeks feel like a trek on the Dark Side of the Moon. A few days ago I admitted that I have been facing a deep crisis of faith. God gave me grace to do many hard things once Nancy was sick and dying. The moments I felt like running, HE gave me the resolve to stay connected and caring. The numerous heartbreaking tasks that go with burying a mate were, by his grace completed. And the kids and I tearfully rejoiced that we had loved her HOME.
But my faith faltered over the question, "Who would take care of me as I age?" "How can I face a future illness without Nancy at my side?" The fear behind those questions reflected stark unbelief. I refused to believe that HE who empowered me to love Nancy through the valley would make provision for the inevitable crisis moments to come. You see how wicked such terror is?? The faith check is simple. Was I trusting God, or Nancy all these years? Do I trust the Father who sustained His Son when the apostles were scattered that terrible night before Jesus trial and execution?
But God makes provision for our frail hearts. This past week HE has put his arms around me in the form of friends who promised to help care for me if I got sick, to a child who said, "We promised Mom we would look after you," through co-workers who continue to forebear with me through dark moments or fellow elders who have breakfast with me and gaze into my soul.
And through His Word which reminds me that "HE chose us in Him before the foundation of the world." In the midst of this dark week, the words and tune of a contemporary Christian song somehow took root in my heart, and I find myself softly singing "God is good, all the time."
Because HE is my Rock and my Friend, I weathered that crisis of faith. Because HE is faithful, He will bring me through the next and the next, until HE brings ME Home.
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4 comments:
Four letter words - sometimes I just can't stand them! Fear is one of them. So is wait. And self. But then there's this other one that makes up for the lot of them - love.
Thanks friend. This is the dark side of our cultures individualism, personal space, and isolation...it breeds loneliness. I reckon your investment in pushing against that in your life and work will bring fruit in the form of community. Remember the "order".
Dan,
This is very encouraging. I often just don't believe that God will supply me with grace to handle difficult things. I am more inclined to believe that I pull myself through the mire of life than believe that Christ carries me. It's good to be reassured that HE is our only means of surviving the greatest heartaches.
Thanks,
It is an encouragement to us. Dan, you are never alone, you know that as we both have clutched onto passages in Psalms and elsewhere that tell us He is with us, holding our hands with us. So often, we do not believe that very truth. Yet, it still is true even in our unbelief.
In my darkest hours of life with faith or unbelief this very truth about our heavenly Father continues to prove itself to me.
Dan I will continue to uphold you and your family before our loving Father. That you will be able to say day by day as Job did, blessed be the name of our Fathe.
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