This morning as I walked out of O'Neil's Store, I realized that for the first time in this journey I was no longer doing things "for Nancy." I was just buying groceries for KJ and me. That felt weird and empty.
This past year shopping, cleaning, doctors' visits and many other things sprang from a need to love her in new ways. That final decline completely centered me on caring for her. This past six days we sought to honor her life after she went home. But yesterday I noticed that the things on my "to do list" were about making the logistics of life work without Nancy around. A startling realignment had taken place.
Shortly after the funeral, we began the process of a hard and sudden landing. Now the purpose of the last few months has been removed, now the adrenaline and the special "anointing" of the past month is ebbing. I know that I have to stop, I should stop, I will stop. It is a time to wait, and rest and grieve the special loss that we bear.
At the time, another thought is taking shape. Was this journey just all about serving Nancy? Often this week, I thought she would have loved every part of this week: the music, the gathering, the preaching and sharing---except that it was "all about her." And she never was like that. No, her disease was not about her. I remember the words Jesus spoke about Lazarus's illness and "temporary death." "It is for God's glory, so that God's son may be glorified through it." Certainly, that was Nancy's heart. And HE was glorified as she remained steadfast, as her children honored her, as the Community of faith, and the community at large watched us strive to live out the gospel when times were tough. This was not about Nancy, but about showing HIS glory through Nancy. Each of the kindnesses extended her, each prayer uttered for her, each tear shed for her have been acts of worship.
Now I remember: serving Nancy was never to be the central goal of my life or this family's motto. Instead, we are called to "offer our bodies as living sacrifices in a spiritual act of worship." (Rom 12:1) So, maybe there is purpose in the journey ahead.
We are left to wait for HIM to reshape this process just as HE did as we sought to worship HM as we sought to serve her. Ask HIM to help us wait in faith and hope.
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6 comments:
Hey Dan - I was driving to church this morning and saw you walking your dog. I thought about exacatly what you just wrote - how you must be feeling now that the funeral is over and life has resumed and I prayed for you. I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but I will continue praying for you as you continue living after Nancy's death. Now that everything is over - her sickness, the funeral, all the plans and everything else "to do", you will now have the trial of walking with GOD. I will pray that GOD refines you more and more as HIS son, using you even now for HIS glory just as HE used HIS daughter, the wife he blessed you with. I will certainly be praying for you. - andrew poe
Dan, this is so beautiful and so true. Thank you so much for continuing to share your heart with us, and pointing us to Jesus. I am crying out to our Father for you and your children. I love you and Nancy so very much!! Come quickly, Lord Jesus!! Rebs xo
Dan, Paul and I were with his dad tonight in Hershey, and we shared the last week of your story with him. Before we left, he prayed for you as you face life ahead without Nancy. You remember that his wife, Paul's mom, died in Jan. He said he is in a 'grief-share' group where he was encouraged to put away the pictures of the past and begin a new life. We all reflected that this sounds cold, and not quite right. What is true, is that the pictures can't be the sum total of the days in front of you. But the pictures of past days do inform and shape the days to come.
Nancy's life and 'fragrance'... will always bear in on what is to
come. And, He will add to them new things. We are praying that you all will wait with hope and faith.
Dear Dan,
When we were preparing to leave Uganda following Chase's diagnosis, our Bundibugyo team began referring to rainy days (which seemed uncharacteristically many) as God's tears. I thought of that today as the rain poured down the windows and you mourn the loss of your bride. We love you and are praying for you. Know that He weeps with you in your loss.
Wendy Gray
Dear Dan,
This morning the guest missionary speaker at our French church preached out of Romans 12 and when he read Paul's exhortation to "weep with those who weep" I thought of you right away and all the tears I have wept for you and with you and Nancy. My heart has ached for you all week and yet as I have prayed for you and the family, I have thanked God over and over for the ways you have encouraged my faith. For Russ this is a familiar road you walk as he too said goodbye to his precious first wife. You are in our prayers as you start this difficult new stage of your journey. Our prayer is that God will pour out His grace on you and surround you with His presence moment by moment, and that you will know that your holding on to Him in a whole new way brings Him praise, glory and honor. You are right, it is all about HIM!!
We will continue to be praying for you-Debby Chasteen
This morning we listened to the audio file of Nancy's send off - it was so great but so sad to be with you all in that way. We're praying a lot as the realness of Nancy not being there sinks in for you and the kids.
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