This morning I awoke to a gloomy Friday forecast. The weather definitely caught the clouds of sadness that I have been carrying the past week or so. The word "aloneness" has emerged this week. So often I have felt alone.
It took about every ounce of will I had to open The Book to the Psalms. I forced myself to practice the act of reading HIS words aloud to confront the silence and pain. For the first time I noticed how often the world "alone" popped up in Psalm 62. But it was always positioned right next to a name: GOD. We find rest, salvation, refuge and rest in God ALONE. This reminded me that "aloneness" can not overwhelm us if we are conscious of HIS presence.
Imperfectly and incompletely, I experienced his comfort, his refuge, his presence. Then, from that thought, I was lifted away from "abandonment" to land in a place of mystical wonder where I could begin to recite all the ways that Nancy had enriched my life. It didn't take long to list 24 ways in which HE had worked in and through her.
Another word came to me to describe our journey together: "GIFT" Something planned for us, not designed by us. Something received, not earned. Something shaped by HIM, the Giver of every perfect gift. Yep, this whole journey has been a gift 34 years in its delivery. Our courtship, marriage, child raising, life overseas, return to Philly, the kids' growth, graduations, marriages, grandchildren...and finally cancer and Nancy's final healing. Today I even embraced the idea that widowhood and grieving were also gifts to be received with thanks. Of course, all of this stuff bears the scars and imperfections of life in a fractured universe. But they are just appetizers as we await the Great Wedding Feast anyway.
With these reflections I finished the red notebook entitled, "Nancy's Journey Home." 240 pages are now filled with the joys and sorrows of that excursion. I will put it aside for the weekend. Later I will reopen it and decide whether there is a tale to recount somewhere. Four weeks ago tomorrow, Dan and Nancy's Journey ended. So, it is right to complete the notebook today. The first chapter in mourning her passing concluded today. There will be more grief passages to write in the days ahead.
Does OUR journey continue? In a real sense, I celebrate the knowledge that Nancy has arrived at the finish line. She finished that journey well. And yet our journey continues. I will continue this pilgrimage shaped by the lessons we learned together. Those memories remain. I intend to celebrate them.
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2 comments:
Hi Dan - just wanted to say you are daily in my prayers as you walk this road. Your faith and tenacity encourage me and help me feel more courageous and less alone. God bless- Cindy
My dear Brother, I thank God again and again for given me the gift of you and Nancy. you both have been one of the most treasured gifts that God has given me. Your words that come from your heart truly encourage me.
I remember the years when I felt alone as a single man, and how Nancy and you would make me feel at home and part of your home. Even as you share that, Nancy is at Home, It gives me strength. One of the gifts that you give me is I know that I don't have to say much to express my self, when our eyes meet you know what I am saying and understand thank you. Now this is not about me, but about the great God who's gift keeps on given. I look forward to seeing how He continues to bless you.
Love Ger.
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