miles and rivers and pages

Okay, I came back from the shore yesterday afternoon. Since none of the kids were able to join me we decided that it was probably best for me to limit the period of solitary confinement to about four days. Being alone with me is pretty intense, even for me. Another reason many people truly admired Nancy.

I covered a lot of miles up and down the boardwalks and streets of Ocean City this week. We'd always walked but that ended as the cancer began. During her illness I couldn't tear myself away to walk alone very often. So, it felt good to begin this next leg of the journey with some long strolls, even though her shadow fell on every step I took.

Yep, there were rivers of tears. For the first time this summer, I gave vent to my grief without inhibition or interruption. So, the dam burst more than once as I sat alone, or heard the Village People belt out YMCA and remembered the crazy fun times we danced together over the last few years.

I added 45 some pages of notes inside the red notebook I began as this journey commenced in December. Details I wanted to capture before I forget. Lessons I think we learned. Questions I still have. Feelings I needed to express. As many of you know, I live to tell, to persuade, to communicate. If mourning is the active work of coming to terms with your grief, I need to communicate if I am to mourn.

But there is more, I want to tell the full story of our journey. The journey was provoked by the unexpected disease. But it is also the tale of how in facing the Unwelcome Visitor we traveled deeper in marriage, bridged some relational gaps among folks we hold dear and completed Nancy's healing as she finished her race. I am not sure where and when and how much of this story is to be shared publicly. We'll see. If nothing else, I want to add some more pages to the family archives.

Currently, I want to finish writing out my initial notes in long hand over the next week or so. Then I will log them on to my laptop. After that, who knows? Just ask HIM to make the path clear.

Finally, I have one more week left in the generous bereavement leave WHM granted me. Pray for me to complete the initial casting of the tale, sort out some of the transition details to make life work, and prepare to move toward the "new normal" I will find in returning to work.