On our first date, Nancy and I went to see the movie Sleuth. We tried to get into the Newman and Redford reunion movie The Sting, but the lines were too long. Afterward we went to Vista Village for hamburgers and cokes. You know what I most remember about that first encounter? The way she looked at me with those deep blue eyes and listened carefully as I talked. I liked to talk, she liked to listen. That night a partnership begun that would continue for the next 34 years.
I was a verbal processor and she was willing to "let me process." As late as July I would still run things by her, going over the potential prospects for Sept A&O, speculating about the kids, the Philles or the weather. Nancy patiently let me patter on, only occasionally questioning my most outrageous speculations, and I like to think my words filled in her tendency to go silent sometimes.
One of the real challenges in losing Nancy is to find ways to "process" the grief without my lifelong sounding board, the very one who so faithfully helped me work out thorny issues by lending me her ear. Yesterday as I pondered this loss, I remembered the One who is always there to listen, the One referred to in Hebrews as "one who is able to sympathize with us." Maybe HE is there, ready to listen, ready to understand, ready to help me process. Maybe she just mirrored HIM for me all those years. What a gift.
Finally, the suspicious mole that brought me to the doctor today was okay. However, she found something else on my back to biopsy. She is not too concerned, but do pray. Biopsies are a little tough to endure just now.
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I wonder what counsel other bereaved spouses would offer you. Maybe a few would be willing to offer their thoughts. How on earth *do* you learn to do life without the someone who has been there for you, and knows you as no one else on the face of the earth knows you?
Those who have walked the path of grief before you could better offer insight on how they went about developing different 'sounding boards', new relationships, renewed friendships. I am sure I am not the only one who would be deeply indebted to learn what they have to say. I am intensely interested in hearing from those who have earned the right to be heard, who have suffered the grief of losing someone they married, and who have learned how to keep on keeping on through the long days and even longer nights. How can we join in, helpfully, in being people of healing to those who are bereaved?
On the one hand, all of us, the church family at large, can and will lend our ears, and our sympathies and our prayers, but getting adjusted to what that really comes down to in the rhythms of life is sure to be every bit as challenging as can be imagined. I believe that Jesus, the Man of Sorrows, well-acquainted with grief, will surely meet you in those times, and that He will also use us to listen and love. Keep talking and we will keep listening and praying. We will try to mirror the love of Christ to you as your bride did so faithfully throughout your life together.
Well, it is less satisfying to be a blog processor, but as your fingertips take over the role your voice once played, be assured that there are still many of us listening with our eyes as we read every word. The cruelest part of your grief may be that the one human person who could help you make sense of it is the very one you grieve. Being a Christian allows for the paradox of enjoying the ball game while weeping for the companion you miss. I'm glad you do both. Don't forget to post about the biopsy results. Jennifer and Scott
I so agree with Becky as I have grieved my parents and I know others who have grieved the loss of children, but it seems quite different to grieve your spouse. Know that while many of us cannot counsel you, we can and do care for you and pray for you. We may not be able to speak to your grief, BUT if you become silent on your blog though, you may begin to worry us! ... which will only make us pray for you more...
Hi Dan. I was so relieved to hear the positive news on the first medical test and will certainly keep you in prayer for the next biopsy results.
I cannot imagine what you are going through in trying to process the grief over Nancy's absence without having Nancy to process it with. Your souls were so obviously bonded as one that it must feel like half of you has been ripped away. Among Nancy's most precious traits was her ability to listen to you well, often, and about so many subjects, and that is a blessing that is hard to replace. I am sure reminders of her are everywhere you turn, all day long, which only makes her absence more evident.
I pray that God would not only be there for your every thought and need, but that He would also bring some folks alongside you who can be a listening and supportive ear. As Jennifer said in her post, we are listening with our eyes, yet I know it would also be of help to have some "Jesus with skin on," physical listeners. I pray this not only for you, but also for your extended family, as each of you adjust to a life that does not physically include Nancy.
My prayers are daily with all of you - God bless. Cindy
Hoping this blog can give you a teensy bit of help in having a place to talk.. we all are willing to listen.. though can't hold a candle to Nancy.. still.. C. S. Lewis processed his thinking by writing.. and his Grief Observed book was written beginning immediately after Joy died.. don't know if you feel inclined to read a book.. but..
Becky (and Johnny) Long
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