A month of letting go

We entered July with much uncertainty; no idea how Nancy's chemo was going. It felt like we were holding our breath. Since that time we continue to hear encouraging test results and Nancy is more engaged with life as the days pass. I am back at work more or less full-time. KJ completed a great trip to Romania. Leah has resumed life in Fulton NY as her first anniversary draws near. We had not counted on any of this on July 1. Yeah, God has been very good this month.

Nevertheless, we have spent the week jumping from one issue to another: high pulse rate, CAT Scans, scheduling new doctor's appointments, stomach aches, low blood pressure and home infusions. How can we handle it? We begin to feel like little Dutch kids sticking our fingers in the dike to hold back the raging sea. Then I remember HIM, the One who is before all things, and in whom all things hold together. Let him hold down this storm front.

Time to catch our breath?

Dr. Nordlinger called this evening to tell us that the latest CT scan showed that Nancy's tumors continue to shrink. I promised a little something in her pay packet at the end of the month. (She is still trying to figure us out.) Seriously, that is great news.

We probably will hit the pause button on next week's chemo, though. Most likely we will restart in a week or so. Nancy's heart is still racing and we all think it may be time to let her body recover before doing another round. Although none of the tests cause us to think anything is wrong with her heart, it seems time to visit a cardiologist. Pray for that visit.

We have to admit that delaying the last round of chemo worries us. We have the Unwelcome Visitor on the run, and we don't want to give him time to recover. However, we realize this journey is about balancing all aspects of Nancy's condition. So, pray for us to forsake fear, and remember that HE alone is the ultimate Case Manager.

Today in our weekly open prayer time here at the house, we took Psalm 131 as our call to prayer. It is about the state of our heart before him, and a call to trust in the Lord now and forever. May that be our point of rest and confidence as we contemplate the next few weeks.

Scan Down, Heart Rate STILL Up

This morning Nancy's oncologist told us she is farily certain that her rapid heart rate is triggered by the effects of chemo; the tesets have ruled out other causes for now. That would seem to point us toward a break from this regimen for now. We'll see what next Monday brings.

We then moved on to the afternoon Cat Scan. So, it's been a rough two days for Nancy. She is "weak as a kitten." But at least tonight she seems to be resting more comfortably.

Pray for her heart to slow down, for the tumors to vanish, for her strength to return.

It is good to have KJ home. The trip to Romania was a great confirmation time for her. It is glorious to see her striving to pursue her dreams, even as she partners with us daily in this difficult journey. Ask HIM to keep KJ lookin to HIM as her reference point as she moves ahead.

Sunday Morning Intrusions and Challenges

The Unwelcome Visitor so often seems to get one step ahead of us. He frequently hits us with an unplanned surprise. This morning Nancy's accelerated heart rate warranted attention. Thus began a 6 1/2 hour stay in the Abington Hospital ER as we underwent our second EKG this week, and a CT scan on the chest. After the test showed no evidence of clot or immediate trouble we were discharged. By then Nancy had spent lots of time strapped to a monitor waiting for answers, for relief, for a slower pulse.

Tomorrow will begin with a visit to her oncologist in pursuit of answers to her current insomnia and high heart rate. None of this was anticipated just a couple of days ago. Then we will take another CT scan to monitor the the state of the tumors in her liver. Once more the Unwelcome Visitor has dumped an unexpected surprise in our laps.

All this makes us feel completely out of control. It's also exhausting. Six hours in an ER cubicle is not the most relaxing way to spend Resurrection Day. It is, in fact, a particular kind of suffering. It is special privilege, the calling, the mission of this phase of the journey. Our Master and Savior asks us to learn to endure these unexpected intrusions with patience, love and joy in a way that glorifies him. This calling, like every other sacred charge, requires grace for the journey.

Meanwhile, ask HIM to bring calm, rest and a quiet heart to Nancy my best friend and companion, so that we might walk this path together for many unpredictable years to come.

The Parade Continues

Safe, sound and only a couple of hours late KJ made it home last night. She had a great trip, and thanks to jet lag she made an 8:10 appearance downstairs this morning so that we could continue "debriefing." Just now she gave us our "travel presents" a cute doll set for Mom and an awesome new cap for Dad. It's great to have her home!

Our Ireland and Uganda interns arrived in good order as well. We will spend a half day reconnecting with them before they disperse. They were buzzing about the summer as I drove from the airport yesterday.

Meanwhile, Josh and Anne have been running a summer Bible week for their inner-city Ark kids. Yesterday he dropped a collage-like sign by the house for Nancy.

Paul's description of the triumphant process seems appropriate for days like yesterday!!

up in the air!

At this moment KJ is up in the air between Milan and JFK as she heads back from Romania. All reports are that it was a great trip, but we can't wait for the face-to-face debrief.

Also, WHM interns are in the air as they return from Ireland and Africa. I will run to the Philadelphia airport today as we lead them through a brief debrief. I am currently working through some hiring issues for WHM's Mobilization team so right now lots of work stuff is up in the air.

We got Nancy's EKG results yesterday. No underlying serious caridio issues. Her accelerated heart rate seems tied to dehydration. So, at the moment she is hooked up to the home infusion unit absorbing saline. When can we get her heart to calm down? Will we do more chemo in a week or so? How has this month's treatments done in further chasing away the Unwelcome Visitor? Right now, those matters remain up in the air, too.

So, can we remember that line from a popular old hymn of the church,

"On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, All other ground is shrinking sand?"

Such truth to keep us grounded on a day when lots of stuff flies around us.

Nancy can still write!

I appreciate Dan's faithfulness in keeping up with the blog. This in oneof the few days after chemo I can function and can tolerate our bichon dog jumping on me. (she is convinced the hospital bed in our living room was put there just for her)

Ok, sometime today I will have an EKG as my pulse has been high . My white blood count is low and I feel a little beat up at times. But I also know this drug has been working to kill off the tumors. We will findout more when I have a CAT scan next Monday the 28th. (mmmm love that barium :(

Karen Joy our 22 year old arrives home tomorrow from Romania. This will be quite a culture shock for her. Knowing how her brain works she will have wonderful stories plus creative ideas. She has already included me in one of her projects about cancer. Please pray for safe travel.

I just want to thank you all all the thousands of people around the world who pray for me and 0ur family. Please remember to pray for my doctor who makes wise decisions for my well being.

heartbeats, blood counts and drumbeats

We proceeded with today's chemo as planned. But we adjusted the schedule a bit. We will do a Cat Scan a week from today, and then decide about a sixth round of the current regimen. As Dr. Nordlinger said today, "6 treatments are not a magic number. We will see what the tests show us and decide where to go from there."

Meanwhile, a couple of things to keep our eyes on:

1. Nancy's heart is working a little hard. We will do an EKG to find out what that will show us. This is not a crisis issue, and didn't stop us from proceeding with today's treatment. But ask Him who has given her a new heart to slow the beating down some.
2. Her white blood count is low, and we have to make sure she doesn't pick up any secondary illnesses. Ask HIM to keep her safe and well.
3. Finally, she is pretty wiped out these days. She longs to have more energy. Ask HIM to renew her strength.

As for me, today I spent time spinning plates, running in and out of the office to plan budgets and interview a prospective hire, hanging out in the treatment room and running down new scripts. There was more than one "tilt moment," interspersed between some nano-seconds of gospel sanity when I remembered that we are just passing through this storm as we head for untold glory.

So, pray for us to endure, to continue that march to glory, while reflecting the hope of glory that issues the drumbeat for a long days' journey like today.

All we have needed....

It's sometimes hard to know how to explain this journey. On the one hand, Nancy is breathing more easily, and uses very little pain medication, her blood pressure is back at a good level, and the additional fluids have helped keep her system running. On the other hand, she remains pretty weak, we had one day of nausea and her evening fever has popped up once or twice lately.

Tomorrow we are set for another round of chemo. This would be round 5 of 6 in this current regimen. But we will have to see what the blood readings tell us and whether Nancy and Dr. Nordlinger think we should proceed or wait a week or so. Nancy's desire is to press on and finish this round on August 4. Pray that we can proceed as planned!

We both long for stability. Each day brings uncertainty. Every part of the "natural Dan" is deeply disquieted by this maze. And so tonight I go to our new friend Aphonse Monod to remind me that we already have what we need. Through this morning's reading he reminded us that in Christ all things are mine
"Am I poor? All of the fortunes of this world are mine because they belong to Christ, who belongs to God...If in place of riches he gives me poverty, it is because it is better for me, and a result of God's choice. The entire world and all its glory and power belongs to me because they belong to my Father, who will give them to me tomorrow, and who could give them to me today if that were good , because he dispenses them according to his pleasure.
Am I sick? Health is mine, strength is mine, well-being is mine, a prefect enjoyment of all the good things of life is mine, because all that is Christ's, who is God's and who dispenses them according to his pleasure...If he then refuses them to me today, for a fleeting moment that passes like a ship in the midst, he has his reasons. It is because there are in these pains and this bitterness hidden blessings that are worth more to me than that health that is so precious and that well-being which is so sweet."

So, as we prepare for tomorrow's next step, we need grace to receive from the hand of Our Father that which he deems best.

Hydration and Supplication

First of all, a quick update. Nancy has continued to brighten up the last two days. She is smiling, cracking jokes and moving around with a little bounce in her steps.

We learned a lot about the importance of keeping her hydrated the last week. Today we were able set up "home IVs" to our arsenal in this fight. An infusion nurse came to the house with the necessary stuff to allow us to administrator fluids in the comfort of our living room. Part of this involved our learning how to do this without a nurse present. She carefully guided me through the process of connecting the saline bag to Nancy's port. Later this afternoon with our dear friend Lynn cheering us on we disconnected the empty bag and safely closed Nancy's port.

I am thankful that we continue to find new bonding experiences even after 33 years of marriage. In fact, learning "home infusion" was the most complex medical procedure we have undertaken jointly since we did childbirth classes together before Leah was born. (BTW, pray that we can remember how to do this procedure the next time we infuse.)

Yesterday we had our second weekly prayer meeting here at our house. Each Tuesday at 4:30 PM we open the door for our friends to come and pray for us for 15 minutes. Already the time has been a wonderful blessing. If you are in the area please feel free to drop by.

Good Test Results

Yesterday we learned that both Nancy's bone scan and brain MRI were negative, that is cancer free. This is good news for it indicates that the cancer has not spread beyond the liver area. Combine that with our earlier news that the cancerous areas there have shrunk and it feels safe to say that the spring crisis is over and now we are into managing the chronic state of metastatic breast cancer. We rejoice in this news

Now the journey enters a different phase. This is a phase of trial and error as we learn what we can and can't do, what does and does not work in managing the Unwelcome Visitor who remains lurking in the shadows. Just let me say quickly that I am still trying to make work "work" and I have to fight the tendency to hover or fret. How does HIS grace free me from such concerns as we continue this siege?

Meanwhile and most importantly, Nancy's chemo is a grueling regimen for her to endure. After a good few days, she bottomed out over this weekend; she became dehydrated and her blood pressure dropped. This was because the drugs unsettle her stomach, etc. Yesterday she got IV fluids which rejuvenated her. Now we are trying to set up the option of getting IV fluids at home between trips to Abington Hospital. This could help keep her strength up. We still have 2 more rounds of this drug. Pray that the side effects would lessen even as the chemo kills more of the cancer. And pray for August to bring a Chemo Holiday!

Speaking of prayer, I have been pondering a neglected aspect of prayer in my life. Some of you know that I have a loud voice and can prayer with some level of passion in public. It's a gift I suppose, even though it does sometimes seem to make me appear more pious than I am. But as I watch Nancy's quiet acceptance of what the hand of the Lord gives her each day, as we go through some days to tired and weak to formulate long prayers, I see another way of talking with My Father. My conversations with HIM should more often involve Receiving from Him rather than "instructing Him." Jesus' last prayer on the Cross was "Father into your hands I commend my spirit." In that moment he surrendered to the will and to the care of His Father. Perhaps that is the essence of the Spirit's work intervening for us with sighs too deep for words---a profound affirmation that we must yield to the care of Him who loves us and numbers each of our steps. Sometimes in prayer I can only say, "Dad, I give up, You get us through the next part of the journey. You know best anyway."

How freeing it can be to pray like that, letting go of the illusion of self-direction., trusting him to steer us through the bumpy seas and bring us safe to port.

coming to the end of a busy week

After last week's good news we have kept pretty busy with procedures.

• Monday's chemo went better, there has been no significant nausea and her temp has not risen above 99.2. Good stuff.
• Yesterday's test took Nancy into the MRI chamber. She took a sedative to stem some of the claustrophobia that comes with brief imprisonment in a confined space. This left her ready to sleep through the evening and night. Also, good stuff. She needs some restorative down time right now.
• Today's bone scan is the last procedure in a busy week. It will occupy the whole afternoon.

Again let me say that these tests have not been triggered by any crisis event. This is part of tracking and managing a chronic condition like cancer.

Also, this week I got into the office enough to begin to feel a bit of a rhythm returning to my work life. It was good to get past responding to immediate issues and work on some long range stuff.

In short we are trying to find a balance. While life is not "back to normal" we have a bit more breathing space and we are trying to find our way along this leg of the journey. We must see that HE walks with us through this phase as well.

Two Journeys of Faith

Today I answered my cell phone shortly after noon to hear "hi Dad." And I knew that a father's prayers had been answered. That phone call, via Chase and Sha's Vonage line confirmed that KJ had managed the 24 hour trip from Glenside to Cluj traveling solo. She had left the house about 7:30 am Tuesday morning, traveling through the day and night and the next day through Philly, New York City and on to to Bucharest by herself before our friends met her in Cluj.

We are so thrilled to see how this trip came together. Nancy was especially encouraged to see that KJ had pressed on, continuing to reach into the fututre even as we faced the spring's challenges. Making this journey on her own truly was a journey of faith by our youngest. We are asking HIM to use this visit to Romania to clarify KJ's plans for the next chapter of her walk with HIM.

Meanwhile, another trip unfolded yesterday. Though it was far shorter, it also strengthened our faith. Last night Nancy and I walked down to the local grocery store. Together we picked up fruit, laundry detergent and protein. The trip was possible only because Nancy is much stronger than she was three weeks ago. Not sure a shopping trip ever meant more to me.

Stocking up on "3 O'clock Bananas"

The next two days we face a couple of medical tests; scans to make sure that that the disease has not spread to any other area. These procedures are cautionary. It's like checking the other rooms in the house for cinders after you have contained a raging fire in the living room.

Still these procedures scare me. You can't know what we might find....but, when do we ever control the next day's events? When will I ever learn to rest in the fact that HE alone numbers our days, and directs our steps?? Ron Clegg directed us to I Peter 5 yesterday. Those words reminded me that the Empty One prowls around trying to scare us away from the One Who leads us through each of our journeys, whether they take us to the food market or a distant land.
We have no choice but to follow HIM, trusting his wise direction.

Post Chemo Rundown and Pre Flight Buildup

Today's chemo went more smoothly than any of the previous three rounds of this drug. Pray that fever and nausea are also less intense over the next few days.

Shar-Shar hanging out with JOBO

Meanwhile, KJ is busy packing up to leave for Romania tomorrow! She had planned to spend the summer there. Instead she has spent the last six weeks helping us deal with Nancy's health surprise. As the situation stabilized she and Chase and Sha revised their plans, deciding that she could accomplish her reconnaissance work in far less time. So, instead of two months, KJ will visit for two weeks. While she is there she will consult on design issues, and decide whether to pursue a two year assignment in Clug with WHM.

We are excited to see her undertaking this flight of faith. We are glad to see her moving out in faith, rather than putting all aspects of her life on hold as we wage this current battle. And we ask you to petition HIM to protect her, envision her, and lead her as she considers what direction the initial post college years should take for her.

Three of KJ's award winning bags on display at the FIT gallery in Manhattan

Glancing Backward, Leaning Forward

So much of our life is about savoring the sweetness of seeing HIM work over time across generations. Our spiritual mom Rose Marie Miller came to visit us twice this past month. Each time she called us back truths she has shared with us for decades.

Back when our kids were in Junior High sometimes their friends would come over to watch movies, sports and generally hang out. One of those kids was a blond lad named Ben. A good kid, one among several. Later on he and his dad, Josh and I were part of a father/son trip to Uganda. A few of the incidents on that trip are legendary. Later Ben entered seminary, and accepted an internship at New Life Church. It was good to see him grow. But this morning he moved me close to tears as he led the church in praying for Nancy. It is good to watch young men come of age in the faith.

After church we gathered the family to celebrate both Anne and Aiden's birthday. Anne was a teenager when she and her family began coming to our house for the night after Thanksgiving game nights we hosted here. Later she mentored KJ through her high school years. Now she and Josh have built a life together, and their marriage enriches the rest of our family.

Aiden will be four next week. He is new to our family narrative, just finding his way as he and his dad Chris are part of the new chapter for Leah and Jonah.

As I watch Nancy soaking up these special family times, I am often grateful for the joy of our life together, for how much of HIS favor we have seen thus far. Duane Davis was right this morning. HIS faithfulness allows us to look ahead, lean into the future, look for a world without sadness, or failure or even cancer. So, even as I celebrate the past I will anticipate the future. After all, the best is yet to come.

Meanwhile, tomorrow we lean into the next round of chemo.

1. Pray for the drugs to do its work in shrinking the tumors


2. Pray no nausea or high fever.


3. Pray for us to find chances to speak of our hope for the future as we encounter people along the path.

The Glorious Fourth

The extended family gathered this weekend as we noted the birth of this noble experiment of American Independence. For years, the Glenside Parade has gone right past our house so this has always been a great spot to hang out on July 4.

Teddie decked out in patriotic colors---with Karen Joy's Help

But we had extra reason to frolic yesterday as we celebrated the good news from Nancy's tests brought us this week. This led to one of our best holidays ever. Nancy was in the center of nearly all the celebration. And folks from the parade even stopped the procession to greet her. Highly appropriate in my view!

Nancy catching up with friends before the parade starts

So, continue the celebrations. But don't stop praying! All the hoopla left Nancy pretty tired today and we face the next round of chemo on Monday.

math error and major prayer

Okay, I misreported the progress on the tumor reduction. It has not, in fact, been reduced by half. When our math teacher friend Roger reviewed the figures, he pointed out that the area of the tumor had shrunk from 128 cm to 27cm....that's more like an 80% reduction. So, that is even better news. For those of you who face similar math challenges a visual aid is given below:

May is on the left; July is on the right!

As we absorb this good news we want you join us in asking for some more big things. Keep in mind that Nancy faces 3 more rounds of the same chemo between now and August 4 and another CT scan after that.

So, please ask HIIM for:

1. A further reduction in the tumor
2. No spread to other regions of her body
3. Less adverse reaction to each chemo treatment
4. Elimination of night fevers which have virtually disapeared this week
5. A respite from agressive treatment so that her body can recover more strength
6. We will use this word since our oncologist has: REMISSION!

It is not our natural inclination to ask for so much. We are both from Kansas and have been taught to "make do with our lot in life." But yesterday Terry T reminded us that we have a Father who is glad to hear the longings of his children, one who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all we ask or imagine.

good news for today and forever

Dr. Nordlinger greeted us with thumbs up as we walked into the office this morning. She then told us that the tumors had actually shrank by almost half since this round of chemo began. We are doing 3 more rounds of the same chemo and then have another CT scan in early August.
Meanwhile, we will "check Nancy's flanks" through a bone scan and brain scan over the next week or so, just to be sure. Pray that those tests are clear.

So, this is very encouraging news; we had no idea what we'd hear today. We will pop a champagne cork tonite at dinner. Of course the struggle hasn't ended; we realize that we are in a marathon race over unknown terrain, not a short sprint across the finish line as we half-expected a few weeks ago. Ask God to give us wisdom on how to respond, to sustain this effort as we run the race set before us.

I confess I began to weep for joy as we pulled away from the hospital this morning. My tears did not flow just because Nancy's liver was better. You see, this morning HE brought us back to a deep, deep truth. Gregg had left us a devotional classic when he visited on Sunday and we choose to read a section this morning. Adolphe Monod's words reminded me that Jesus has dealt with ALL my sins : "If out of a thousand sins...only one were left unpardoned then that pardon would be useless to us. But our pardon is complete....Jesus Christ did not just make atonement for some sins, he made atonement for sin itself" This morning as I sat in the waiting room I asked God to center us on this truth, to allow us to regain our joy in such a complete salvation. Later, when we left the hospital, I found myself overcome with the thought that NOT ONE OF OUR SINS is left unhealed by the work of the Great Physician. I found myself remembering that there is no promise of complete healing in this life, but I could trust HIS eternal healing from sin for Nancy and me, and long to herald it before the world.

So, please join us in giving thanks that prayer and chemistry have been used to push back the intrusion on Nancy's liver. Ask HIM to help us continue this journey for many long, long chapters. But as you face your own suffering, find your most complete joy, rest and healing in his complete remission of your sins.

Waiting for the Appointment Wed 11AM (Eastern US Time)

Tonight we are waiting for the results of yesterday's CT Scan. Feels like we have been holding our breath for 36 hours with 12 hours to go. Meanwhile, Nancy's evening fevers seem to be subsiding. 2 out of the last 3 nights her temp has been normal. Cancer leads us down a road with so many puzzling turns. Constantly, I am challenged not to look to far ahead, to live in the moment, to let HIM shepherd us onto the next hill.

We are not sure what we will hear tomorrow. We have no idea how we will react. We can only ask HIM to steer us through this latest passage. I have long been drawn to HIS word to express the cravings of my heart. Last week I came across this passage from Psalm 102:

You will arise and have compassion on Zion,

for it time to show favor to her;

the appointed time has come.

Pray that 11AM Wednesday will be the appointed time to sense his compassion and favor to Nancy as we face the coming phase.