Funeral Notice, Further Thanksgiving

My first day without the gal I sometimes addressed as my "bestest friend. " This day was filled with worship, joy, relief, sorrow and emptiness. It was good to worship at New Life, to feed on the the truth, to be hugged and prayed for by dear friends in the faith. It was also necessary to plug ahead with planning the details of Nancy's farewell celebration and internment. Here are what the Irish used to call the "particulars" of the public events:

Public Viewing beginning 7pm Wednesday September 3 at John Freed Funeral Home on Easton Road in Glenside, PA.

Funeral Service at New Life Church beginning 10am Thursday September 4 at New Life Church, Easton Road in Glenside, PA. Burial to follow immediately.

Yesterday morning, I woke up in the room with Nancy and had several hours alone with her. We read through the last 13 chapters of the gospel of Luke, because I was determined she hear the resurrection story one more time.

We also read Spurgeon's comment on "wait on the Lord" (Psalm 27:14:)

"Wait in quiet patience, not rebelling because you are under affliction,

but blessing your God for it."

By grace that morning I blessed God for our journey. HE had met, and shaped and carried us through very rugged stretches. Nancy's prayer to bring glory to GOD through her suffering was and will be answered. We expect that the events of the next week will further confirm that.

Safe at Home

Around 2pm Eastern time today, Nancy went home to be with Jesus. At noon, she and Micah met on this earth when Josh and Anne brought him directly from the hospital to Keystone House. This seemed to be the last piece of the puzzle.

Chris, Leah, KJ, Marc Davis and I sat at her bed as she ended the journey. So, she heard stories of her life, Scripture, and singing during her last breaths. I was thankful that she "let us in" on those last moments, allowing me to keep my promise to her that she wouldn't be alone at the end.

I am also thankful that she who suffered much in secret, had so much support during these last months. She was often encouraged to know how many people prayed her through this journey.

Naturally, we ache, but we are thankful that she is now at the place where Real Life begins as Libby reminded me recently.

Finally, the last few months, she kept teaching us. She showed me how to live with faith when I first met her, she showed me how to die with faith during her last few miles home.

Torn as We Wait

The Keystone staff noticed a change with Nancy since last night. They see indications that we are entering the final stages. Nancy is most likely headed home within the next day or two.

This news tears us in two different directions. On the one hand, I am ready for her to be free of the pain of this life, and to rest completely. But I don't look forward to the last severing of earthly ties. I am glad that HE understands this dilemma, that I can just share it with HIM, without having to reconcile these twin tugs.

Meanwhile, the kids and I are just plain tired. We long to close the book on this difficult chapter. I am ashamed to write this, given the fact that Nancy is struggling so hard to complete her part of the journey. As is often the case, dying is work, hard work.

This morning I read Nancy PS 142 and found this prayer compelling:

Rescue me from my prison

that I may praise your name

So, join with us in asking HIM to liberate Nancy from this cancerous prison which has broken her body and closed her mind that so that she can actively, consciously, willingly, perfectly praise HIM. And meet us as we let go of a great wife, mom and "amma."

In His Hands

Last night I met Micah for the first time. I held him on behalf of "Amma" and told him what a special name he bore, and how many folks had prayed for his coming. Not sure he understood much of what I said, but we bonded. 'Nuf Said.

I spent the night in Nancy's room. So, we began the day with a "taste of Spurgeon." This great 19th century English preacher reminded us:

All things are safe in Jehovah's hands;

what we entreat to the Lord will be secure,

both now and in that day of days

toward which we are hastening.

It is peaceful living and glorious dying

to repose in the care of heaven

At all times we should yield our all

to Jesus' loving hand

Today the engines propelling Nancy's body continue to wind down. No signs of immediate departure. But, Nancy's bouts of apnea increase. It is possible she might slip away quickly, although we wonder if she does want to meet Micah face to face. The earliest possible time for that introduction would be tomorrow. We leave it in Hands, trusting that this matter is secure.

birth announcement

It's A Boy!

Today at 12:20 Micah Joshua Macha arrived. He weighed in at 7lbs. 4ozs. and stands 19 1/2 inches tall. I shared this news with Nancy as soon as I could, and when I held the camera phone in front of her she blinked a couple of times. So, the baby she named has entered the world before she departs. Clearly this was meant to be. We rejoice in HIS good timing and wise purposes--as we face the disappointment of the short period of "overlap" these two dear ones will enjoy.

Meanwhile, those luminous blue eyes have dimmed a couple of shades today. The shadows are lengthening around her, and we await her return HOME soon. All day long I have recited the Ancient Wisdom:

The Lord gives

The Lord takes away

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

birthday eve

Nancy often practiced selfless joy. So, during her "summer rebound," she found ways to serve others. When Josh and Anne did her the honor of naming their next baby, she read through Bible stories making a list of possible choices until she settled on Micah.



She also devoted herself to finding just the right baby gift. Having decided on a dual stroller to convey both Micah and Lucia she looked at every stroller posted on the Internet, considering size, portability and accessories before choosing. We assured her that her decision was perfect when she told the kids that if they didn't like it they could exchange it for another model.



Many folks have been praying that Nancy would see Micah before she went home. That was certainly her life goal throughout June and July. She always brightened at the prospect of his birth. But when she began this recent decline, she told me that she was sure Micah would be okay whether she saw him or not. Over the last week, we have all let her know that we are ready for Jesus to take her, that we understand if she is home before Micah arrives. Peace followed that surrender.



Now, however, we are wondering if that goal will be reached after all. Anne's C-Section is set for 10:30 tomorrow morning. 22 hours from now as I type. According to Nancy's hospice nurse she is stable and could remain so for days.

Of course she could fail today. It is in HIS hands. Pray for HIS will to be done.

Party Day Report

HE gave us a full day to celebrate with Nancy yesterday. During the morning Nancy and I completed the last reading from Monod in which he prayed, "there is nothing in me capable of surviving for one moment before the brightness of your face and before the light of your holiness. But now it is not I who will be judged, it is Christ in me; and I know, I know that he will enter, and I with him, and that he and I are so fully united that he would never enter and leave me outside." More than anything, I celebrate the anticipation of Jesus walking Nancy into the Father's presence.

Later, we gathered with family and a few elders to celebrate Communion. Ben Lyon's strong voice helped us fill the room with HIS praises and Nancy actually sat up to take the wine. Following this time our family enjoyed Phillie Phanatic Birthday cake together. Meanwhile, both her brother and sister called and I put the phone up to her ears as they sang Nancy Happy Birthday.

At various times, the room filled with laughter and tears as we told stories, looked at photos and celebrated Nancy's sweet and simple faith and love. We all agreed with Allie's recent post, "she always made me feel welcomed and loved."

Some of you know that Nancy suffered some hard things in her life. Some of that suffering was private, and alone. When she faced cancer I was determined that we surround her with love, that she not resist the Unwelcome Visitor alone. Yesterday was a fulfilment of that challenge. She was covered with the love of family, friends, and brothers and sisters as she moved closer to eternity. HE gave us the special privilege of accompanying her one step further on the last birthday she will experience on this earth.

Finally, a nurse told us that the guys in room next door muted the sound on the baseball game during our communion service. They wanted to enjoy our singing. Nancy was still a part of making HIS name famous to those who need the good news even as she fades away. An evangelist to the end. In this and many other ways her prayer to see God glorified in her illness is being answered.

Waiting to unwrap the gift

When I arrived at Keystone yesterday morning I noticed Nancy's breathing had changed. It had grown shallower over night. As the day wore on, those shallow breathes were occasionally interrupted by deep sighs, gasps or snores. Clearly the end stage process has entered another phase.

While the wonderful staff at Keystone attended to her physical care, we bathed her in music, conversation, touches, Scripture and prayer. Her responses are limited to small changes of expression. I remember Chris, Leah and KJ reading Scripture to her, Jonah popping in to say, "I love you Amma," laying beside her while we tuned in to a couple of innings of Phillies baseball, and reading the latest section from Monod in which we are reminded that because the resurrection of Jesus has happened, so to has ours. Her lips puckered up one more time as we kissed goodnight before leaving her to Leah's overnight care. These sweet moments are all mingled with tears. It is hard to hang on, to let go, to wait.

Today Nancy turns 55. I gave her 10 red roses yesterday. (Roses had been my present on her 21st birthday) Perhaps HE will give her the best birthday gift ever today. We see that the present of perfect peace is wrapped, we wait with her for HIS delivery call.

Nancy has made a good transition to Keystone House. I spent the morning arranging pickups of home infusion materials and the hospital bed before heading over.



There I found Nan Powlison and Karen Clark with with her, and I thought of the way these women had met to pray together during a very important time in Nancy's life. Their visit was another of God's parting gifts I think. We exchanged pet nicknames, read the next meditation from Monod's book and then wept together when the music therapist dropped by to play and sing hymns in her room.



The big gift came around 7pm when Leah and Chris arrived from Fulton. Nancy responded to them with joy and love. I left them to have time together, but I as I bent over to kiss her forehead she puckered her lips. Well, I wasn't going to turn down the special chance she gave me. Later, Leah came back and shared some of the special moments she had that night. Clearly God had answered lots of prayer that Leah have that kind of interaction with her mom. We didn't know what she could experience last night. You see, Nancy is fading fast. Her voice is a soft, soft whisper and I barely can make out words with my ear against her lips as she speaks. The moments of clarity are rare. We think we are days, not weeks from her homecoming. Each family member has surrendered her to the Lord and we long to see her cross the River and rest undre the trees on the other side." But we don't get to make that call. HIS mercies extend to selecting the hour of our passing

moving day

I had just completed the last carpet cleaning job of the 1980 Christmas rush. It was time to celebrate. So, I was building a nice fire in the the living room. Suddenly a piece of wood rolled out of the fireplace. Flames leaped up toward the ceiling as our guest Chris K and I stood transfixed waiting for the curtains to catch fire. Meanwhile, Nancy quickly ran up stairs, grabbed a blanket, sprinted back to the living room, and smothered the loose flames. She saved the house. Not only that she stayed up far into the night repainting the living room ceiling, so that the evidence of my foolishness would not face me after we came back from Kansas after Christmas. She was always keeping the place from going up in smoke, and then creating beauty amid my chaotic impulsiveness.

Nancy welcomed countless New Life teens, visitors from WHM, and neighborhood kids into our home, prepared thousands of meals, washed dishes and clothes, and still found time to paint impressionist art on the walls below our new kitchen cabinets. In short, she made the old twin house on Easton Road a beautiful sanctuary for all who stopped by.

Today at 1:45 she left that house for the last time for the short ambulance ride to Keystone Hospice in Wyndmoor. KJ bravely climbed into the ambulance to keep her company while Josh and Terry Traylor helped me gather her stuff--and myself to undertake the admitting process. A bit later it was it was good to see her showered and changed in her room. KJ and I had helped her cover the last part of her journey on Easton Road this summer, and it was time to let other becoming "primary care givers."But tonight when the Phillies' Pat Burrell singled to Right Field, the house felt pretty empty. Then KJ and I remembered how much Nancy had given us. Come to think about it, her love will color these walls for a long time to come.

transition plans in place

Today has been full and draining, but it has brought much clarity. I spent a lot of time last night uncertain about our final transition plan. I worrried about whether Nancy should end her days here at the house, or in a hospice facility.

God gave us a few moments together this morning when I could explain that we faced this hard decision. She looked at me and told me she neeeded my help. I asked her to let me make a decision and promised she wouldn't be alone wherever her journey from this earth was to end.

Hours later, many discussions later I concluded that we will move Nancy to a hospice house ten minutes from here. We were convinced that we need around the clock help with her so that we could focus on surrounding her with her family's love. The social worker is 95% sure we can make this move tomorrow. Pray that can happen smoothly.

This is all very sudden. I am struggling with disappointment, and self reproach to have to do this. We are letting go of some last dreams like having her home for her birthday this coming Sunday. But Nancy's brain is being poisoned by her liver failure. That is creating a number of issues that leave us needing around the clock professional assistance.

Tonight Josh, KJ and I calmed her with Scripture, a time of singing and my enouragement to know that she was going to see Jesus soon and the angels were starting to sing her welcome song. Tomorrow she will leave this house, where we shared so much life, where walls are graced by her paintings and take her to the house where she will see Jesus face to face when he comes to take her HOME.

A very important part of our journey is coming to a sad and sudden close, we have a stretch run ahead of us, and then she will cross the finish line.

Hospice

Dr Nordlinger began our appointment by suggesting we "look at the big picture." Quickly we came to the conclusion that Nancy was ready to stop chemo. She is worn out, and the longterm prognosis didn't justify continuing the treatments in her declining condition. HE has prepared me for this over the last weeks. More importantly, Nancy's heart was ready for this. After she got home, she told Terry Traylor and me that she is "relieved" by the decision to stop chemo. This is a dizzying, highspeed journey, but now it is time to help Nancy pack her bags and head home.

Pray for us to manage her care wisely, to love her tenderly and to point her to Jesus the One Who is choosing to shorten this journey for our good and HIS glory.

bittersweet and peaceful evening

Nancy had a tough weekend. She found it almost impossible to sleep last night. She told Karen and Josh each that she felt pretty yucky when they sat with her today. So, when I came home from work around 4pm I got out the morphine and gave her some. She fell asleep quickly. Although it was sad to have to reintroduce that drug, it was good to see her sleeping peacefully again. KJ and I sat watching this gentle lady rest well for the first time since Friday night, and we gave thanks for the gift she is to our family. And Karen told me of sharing 2 Corinthians 4 with Nancy today, reminding her that, while our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. That's true for all of us, of course, most of us don't embrace this perspective on a daily basis though. We live far too easily in the visible, temporal universe far too much. It takes days like today to make us appreciate how good the gospel news really is.

Later we woke her up, and coaxed her into eating two helpings of Jell-O. Karen helped her consume this nourishment while I told the story of how she prepared me Jell-O each night for weeks after our wedding. Finally, when I asked for a break, she put the Jell-O away for 15 years. That's the good stuff, the stuff of this wonderful life we've had, and the stuff that makes this such a bittersweet time for us all.

Meanwhile, Nancy is very weak. Almost too weak for chemo. We see the doctor tomorrow.
Just pray that HIS will to be done over the next few days.

uphill climb

The last week or so the journey has taken a sharp turn uphill. Nancy has been pretty out of it since coming home. She sleeps lots, and is pretty foggy when she is awake.

Today's visiting nurse is convinced that what we are seeing is the result of some unhelpful drug interactions. I worked on getting the two of her doctors to talk in order to coordinate her meds most effectively. Meanwhile, her heart rate is still high, but not currently out of control and she has no fever.

Dan Passerelli preached at New Life today. He said, if you have small sins and small needs, get a therapist, but if you have big sins and big problems, you need Jesus." A week like this reminds me that I need, I have a BIG SAVIOR.

Ask HIM to lift the confusion, the fatigue, the tumor and the fear from us as Nancy and I climb this hill together.

the music of home

I brought Nancy home tonight after her first round of the new chemo. She laid down on the bed and announced, "It's good to be home." A few minutes later she ate a bit of chicken pot pie, laid back and fell asleep.

Meanwhile the room filled with music. Josh and KJ sat with us and we chatted away about Nancy's upcoming birthday, movies and KJ's recent trip to Romania. Yes, music. You see for a parent to enjoy joyful conversation with your kids is to be swept up by a love song. We hear that love for God, us and one another, and my soul---and Nancy's is warmed.

This music again reminds us of the rich life we have enjoyed together. The burdens of the week are rolled back for now. The deeper this journey goes, the more often I am reminded that we have much to celebrate.

Meanwhile, pray for better tolerance for this new drug, combined with effective results against the Unwelcome Visitor, and frequent decisions to give ourselves to thankfulness, the eyes of faith to see glory unobstructed by the pain.

back on chemo

Hard news to share. It would seem that Nancy's cancer did become active as soon as we suspended chemo. So, she is starting a new drug which we hope will be more tolerable. So, right now, it looks like she will not be able to have a chemo holiday any time soon.

This has been the toughest week since late May. I don't know what to ask HIM for. I don't know what is best for her. I don't know what lies ahead. So, we leave all this in HIS hands.

And ask you to pray remembering that HE is strong and HE is good.

elevated blood count and hospital stay

Today we decided to admit Nancy to Abington Hospital. This morning 's bloodwork showed that her white blood count was elevated. That, combined with other symptoms, suggests that she might be fighting an infection.Nothing points to a spread of tumors. Admitting her speeds up the process of testing. It also could be behind a recent downturn. Meanwhile, all of the tests ordered by her cardiologist came back normal. So, the rapid heartbeat is most likely triggered by the chemo.

We are frustrated by this development, of course. Nancy said, "Taking a break from chemo was supposed to make me feel better, not like this." But if we find a treatable infection we might yet find a respite. That would be very welcome indeed!

We are walking through a stormy week. Pray that we keep our eyes on HIM.

33 years and counting!

Our Anniversary

Memories have cascaded over me today like water over Niagara falls.

• The rehearsal dinner at the Holiday Inn. My dad was so proud to host the event.


• Breakfast with my groomsman Dennis at IHOP--he paid!
  
• Donning that colorful tux with the frilly dress shirt--we were were styling!!


• My brother Garry forbidding me to put on any more cologne after my third application. I wasn't tense was I?


• My beautiful bride walking down that long, long aisle.
  
• Speaking the vows we composed for the occasion.
  
• Jenny Carns singing "The Wedding Song" and Gary Bailey singing "Let us Climb the Hill Together"
  
• Nancy couldn't get the ring over my knuckle. I jammed it on after the ceremony and couldn't get it off for four months.
  
• A reception in the fellowship hall at Village Church with cake, punch and mints, but the cross and rings decoration was missing from the top of the cake-our first tense moment as a married couple.
• The powder blue leisure suit I wore going away. Why did I ever part with it?


• Driving away in our '69 Mustang, headed for the 4 Seasons Resort on the Lake of the Ozarks.

We had no idea where that journey would take us, but today we agreed that our road has been happier, harder, richer, more rewarding than we could have ever imagined in 1975. It has taken us overseas, through parenting and now grandparenting, and now down this current avenue of illness. But because HE is our Captain I know that the best part of the journey lies ahead.

Friday NIght Longings

It's been a tiring week. We have been through a doctor's appointment and two tests. Now we wait for answers about Nancy's racing heart. She is exhausted, has been running a fever today, and both of us have felt emotionally raw, a bit sad that things have not picked up and Nancy remains so limited. Our friend Monod reminded us that God is glorified in and through the suffering of his people. So, this sickness is not about us, but about HIS glory. What does that look like? For starters we try confessing our fears, loving one another, and embracing HIS love so often and selflessly given to us by HIS people.

And being honest about dreams. We still we long for a night at the ball park, a walk around the block, worshipping at New Life together on Sunday morning, a trip to see the grand kids up in Fulton. He is our Dad, He knows this. So tonight frazzled and discouraged we set our longings before HIM and await the next step along the road.

A step closer, but not a beat slower...yet

We saw the cardiologist Dr. Scott Shapiro today. Great guy, carried and IBM Thinkpad upon which he did all of his "paperwork," looks younger than Josh.

He ordered some more work and echo test on the heart. We will have those tests results by next week. So, nothing definitive, just as step closer to answers, perhaps. We do need to get further along with the cardio issues before resuming chemo.

Meanwhile, no relief for Nancy's rapid heart rate. She is disheartened by this situation. Pray for HIM to move us to a better place soon

Doctors and nurses

Please continue to pray for all the doctors and nurses involved in my care. Today a home infusion nurse will come to remove the needle from my port. (The port is used to infuse fluids and chemo and to draw blood) Tomorrow I will see a Cardiologist. Pray for wisdom in his decision making. And always keep praying for my Oncologist. Pray for wisdom as I am to start another round of chemo next Wed. week. Please please pray I could sleep. I toss and turn, move to different beds. I have a hard time settling. Dan and I figure there are now thousands of people around the world praying for us daily. Warms and encourages my feeble heart. Thank you.

God meets me

I'm not supposed to be driving. But because I have felt lousy for over a month with my heart problems,and I am sick of it, I thought for sure I could drop Karen off at the home of a wedding she was in. WRONG I sideswiped our wooden fence before leaving the driveway. I carried on out the to my destination and returned fine. Poor Karen. I have'nt checked but I am sure there are fingernail impressions somewhere in the car. When I let Karen out of the car she asked me to text her to make sure I got home okay. Isn't usually the other way around? Mother asking daughter? I have not driven since. I don't feel up to it.
I have a cardiologist appt Wed. to hopefullly find out why my blood pressure is up and down and my pulse rate is too high. I get IV fluids at home but that does not seem to be the answer. Everyone else thinks it might be the chemo. which is not great because I neeed more chemo. I guess we did tell you that the tumors are still shrinking!!! Wonderful news!
I don't do anything all day which gets old but I cannot talk or listen to anyone more than five minutes. I do not watch tv (except for CSI Miami so I can turn up the volume to hear Horatio's voice) and occasionally the Phillies. I don't want to listen to music or tapes or read. A dear friend prayed that even when I am not well and don' t feel like doing anything, that God will meet me. I can truly say He does.

Yes, BUT

Yes, it is true that things were calmer this weekend. We didn't go to the hospital and Nancy was able to get lots of sleep.

But her accelerated heart rate has taken its toll. She feels pretty listless, while being really tired of laying around. This afternoon she remarked, "I feel that I have missed the summer." It wasn't a complaint, but a statement of fact. And clearly this prolonged period of inactivity is so foreign to the way she has always lived, always busy with something.

So, while I rejoice for the progress we have made, we also struggle to see her so limited. Pray for quiet hearts, and strong ones as we begin a new week.

on the straight and narrow

Things seem calmer this weekend. Nancy is more relaxed and is sleeping better. She is totally off pain meds these days, and is stronger, breathes easier, and moves a bit more freely. But her heartbeat remains accelerated. A cause for concern as it tends to tire her very quickly.

We have a cardiologist's appointment on Wednesday. Hopefully, he will confirm that her heart issues stem from a response to chemo. All too often our hearts become impatient, but each day holds the sweetness of life together with someone you love. So, we hold on, enjoying simple things like eating Chinese take away, watching a Phillies win, and preparing WHM budget narrative forms. Surely waiting to get better, living in this sense of confinement and limitation is a form of suffering, a place to know HIS strength in the face of our weakness---may we find HIS glory along this narrow path.