I have been on Sabbatical as an elder since March. That hiatus intensified as Nancy's summer journey intensified. I even stepped back from my favorite duty which is helping serve communion. I felt I needed to receive the elements, not help distribute them.
But today, when my friend Marc called the elders forward for his first communion as an ordained pastor, I just had to come up. After all, we had walked some important steps together, and I didn't want to miss being at his side. But there was more. I was ready to "tell the church" that the sorrow is beginning to fade. I want to become more than a gloomy shadow.
There were some dicey moments. I thought about the eternal issues in the work of Christ. I thought of how Nancy's casket had rested only a few feet away from where I sat after distributing the elements I remembered the day a couple of years ago when I served communion with Al on my left, and Roger on my right, and heard the words, "remission of sins" with new force. Both Al and Roger were suffering from cancer by then. And a few months later Al experienced the ultimate remission when Jesus took him home. It was all I could do to hold back the tears.
Roger still continues his earthly journey. Last night was rough for him, so Marc and I brought communion to Roger and Karen's house this afternoon. As I shared how Marc's sermon had reminded me that it takes a certain desperation to come to Christ I was moved to thank God for the gentle ways that He had driven each of us to Jesus. Roger and Karen completely understood.
And once more, I reflect on this miracle. This past year's journey has left me seeing the kindness of God when I was confronted with my greatest fears. A year ago, I could not have imagined that I could sit there with my very sick friend, reflecting on my wife's death, and my widowhood and speak of the gentle kindness of God---and mean it. How can this be? Somehow HE gives us grace for the journey.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The End of the Beginning
As the World War II battle for North Africa drew to an end, Winston Churchill announced, "This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps the end of the beginning." He was right. There were still years of fighting yet to be done. Many terrible battles were later fought in Italy, France and Germany, but at least the Nazis were on the run.
That describes the place I find myself on this valley road. I am nowhere near the end of this trek, but I can perhaps see the intense early mourning is subsiding. There is one indicator that this might be so: I find myself thinking more about the present task at hand, and future possibilities, and less about past sorrows.
This new openness that there might be something to come...even this side of glory might just mean "The End of the Beginning."
That describes the place I find myself on this valley road. I am nowhere near the end of this trek, but I can perhaps see the intense early mourning is subsiding. There is one indicator that this might be so: I find myself thinking more about the present task at hand, and future possibilities, and less about past sorrows.
This new openness that there might be something to come...even this side of glory might just mean "The End of the Beginning."
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Amazed by His Kindness
I am sometimes awed by how much kindness I have felt the past year. So often a hand is reached out to me when I am in agony and despair. Often that hand has been at the end of a limb of a person who themselves has suffered great pain. The fellowship of his suffering spoken of in Philippians 3:10 includes those who experience disappointment, disease and the a loved one's death. And that kind of fellowship with a fellow sufferer is deep and gentle and loving. My friend who recently pointed me to Psalm 27 knows a sorrow that no one should bear. But that suffering brought a calming spirit to me this week. As an added gift, that passage also reassured another who travels this valley of tears.
How odd it was this morning to realize that God had "given me" that verse the day before Nancy died as we waited with torn hearts for her to stop suffering, for her to go Home, for us to lose her gentle presence in our lives. What a symmetrical path His Word takes in our lives.
So tonight, I am amazed by the severe grace of mourning the sadness even as I experience the blessings he still will offer. That is what it has meant to fight and to wait this day.
How odd it was this morning to realize that God had "given me" that verse the day before Nancy died as we waited with torn hearts for her to stop suffering, for her to go Home, for us to lose her gentle presence in our lives. What a symmetrical path His Word takes in our lives.
So tonight, I am amazed by the severe grace of mourning the sadness even as I experience the blessings he still will offer. That is what it has meant to fight and to wait this day.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Should I Fight or Should I Wait? YES!!
2008 was a year of painful waiting. I was so moved by all the waiting surrounding Nancy's illness and death that my September 12 posting was a poetic attempt to process that part of the journey. Even as I tried to return to work and normal life, I was waiting for the first holdidays without Nancy and for the calendar to turn over to a new year.
I am determined that 2009 will end some of the waiting. I particularly want to reverse the habit of lingering, nervously waiting for things to play out. I just can't sit around the house listlessly waiting for time to pass.
So, that is why the announcement of a new year felt like a call to battle for me. After all, my son Josh often reminds folks that "the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing and forceful men lay hold of it" (Luke 11:12b) It will take some force to move back into the flow, make hard decisions and to forge new partnerships and patterns of living.
But then a dear friend wisely reminded me the battle of 2009 will include some waiting, the kind of waiting described in Psalm 27:14 where His Word encourages us to "wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." So, this battle to write a new chapter can only be fought with his strength and courage, according to his time table.
Isn't this always a tension in the life of HIS followers? We are engaged in cosmic battle according to Ephesians 6. But we wait on the Lord to renew our strength according to Isaiah 40. Only His Spirit can help us balance that as we follow HIM. So, ask HIM to make me both a strong warrior and a patient waiter as I move through this year.
I am determined that 2009 will end some of the waiting. I particularly want to reverse the habit of lingering, nervously waiting for things to play out. I just can't sit around the house listlessly waiting for time to pass.
So, that is why the announcement of a new year felt like a call to battle for me. After all, my son Josh often reminds folks that "the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing and forceful men lay hold of it" (Luke 11:12b) It will take some force to move back into the flow, make hard decisions and to forge new partnerships and patterns of living.
But then a dear friend wisely reminded me the battle of 2009 will include some waiting, the kind of waiting described in Psalm 27:14 where His Word encourages us to "wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." So, this battle to write a new chapter can only be fought with his strength and courage, according to his time table.
Isn't this always a tension in the life of HIS followers? We are engaged in cosmic battle according to Ephesians 6. But we wait on the Lord to renew our strength according to Isaiah 40. Only His Spirit can help us balance that as we follow HIM. So, ask HIM to make me both a strong warrior and a patient waiter as I move through this year.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Celebrating a Fellow Pilgrim
We first moved to Ireland in 1983. Back in those pre-Internet days, it was hard to get news from the USA. A high school student named Marc stepped into the breach, sending us box scores from home from time to time.
Later we followed Marc as he moved into student ministry for several years. Then after we had returned home he and as his wife Susan moved to Philadelphia so that Marc could attend Westminster Seminary. During those years we would up in the same small group together. I remember that Marc reached out to Nancy several times during the time when she found being in any group situation very difficult. Marc helped make Nancy feel safe.
But, for some reason after graduation Marc went through several wilderness years where he could not seem to find a position in vocational ministry. Eventually, Marc and I served on important committee which helped clarify the leadership direction of New Life Church. We were thrilled when Marc was later added to the staff of the church after that.
In his capacity as shepherding pastor at New Life, Marc sat with the kids and me as we waited through Nancy's December 26 surgery. Then on August 30 he was in the room with us when Nancy drew her last breath.
Tonight, I was asked to participate in Marc's formal ordination as a pastor. It was an honor to read the opening scripture and offer a prayer. Through bittersweet tears I joined in the singing "Blessed Be Your Name" which had also been sang at Nancy's funeral. Later, on I was one of the elders who offered the "right hand of fellowship" to him after the laying on of hands marking his ordination. In that moment I told him both his mom (who went home in 2003) and Nancy were both proud of him.
Tonight I celebrate the long, faithful partnership of Marc and Susan Davis as we walk together behind the King!
Later we followed Marc as he moved into student ministry for several years. Then after we had returned home he and as his wife Susan moved to Philadelphia so that Marc could attend Westminster Seminary. During those years we would up in the same small group together. I remember that Marc reached out to Nancy several times during the time when she found being in any group situation very difficult. Marc helped make Nancy feel safe.
But, for some reason after graduation Marc went through several wilderness years where he could not seem to find a position in vocational ministry. Eventually, Marc and I served on important committee which helped clarify the leadership direction of New Life Church. We were thrilled when Marc was later added to the staff of the church after that.
In his capacity as shepherding pastor at New Life, Marc sat with the kids and me as we waited through Nancy's December 26 surgery. Then on August 30 he was in the room with us when Nancy drew her last breath.
Tonight, I was asked to participate in Marc's formal ordination as a pastor. It was an honor to read the opening scripture and offer a prayer. Through bittersweet tears I joined in the singing "Blessed Be Your Name" which had also been sang at Nancy's funeral. Later, on I was one of the elders who offered the "right hand of fellowship" to him after the laying on of hands marking his ordination. In that moment I told him both his mom (who went home in 2003) and Nancy were both proud of him.
Tonight I celebrate the long, faithful partnership of Marc and Susan Davis as we walk together behind the King!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Dance Card Down Here
I began the year with the image of Nancy celebrating before her Savior while I am determined to continue dancing down here. So, what might that look like in 2009?
A familiar passage came to mind as the year began. In Joel 2.25 God promises, "I will make up to you for the years the swarming locust has eaten." In one sense we helped Nancy reap the sweet harvest of her homegoing, but there have several years in which many dreams were swallowed up. I am trusting that God will grant a season of fruitbearing in some other fields.
At World Harvest. I will continuing to mobilize the next generation, traveling a bit again, and doing some long-delayed fund raisng.
Here on Easton Road. I continue working on the routine of doing life without Nancy's helpful presence. It is also time to deal with some neglected projects around the house. During the year I will be praying about whether I want to continue living in the place so full of Nancy's influence, rent it out, sell it or...whatever.
With the writing project. I do want to see if a book is rattling around somewhere inside this computer. I need the proper time spot and a safe place to work on the revisions.
At New Life Church. I actually began a scheduled sabbatical as an elder last March and I am pondering what role I am am meant to play in the life of the congregation as the year rolls along.
Reconfiguring my social and relational life. Most who know the story, know that my relational world has shrunk over the last few years. While my years on the farm have left me with appreciation for solitude, I am also fairly addicted to bursts of intense human interaction. Seriously, I know that I will never escape the valley of grief by myself. So, what does that mean? In 2009 I must resolutely move toward people, and trust HIM for the emotional energy that requires.
Finally, there is my close buddy and current housemate KJ. She laid down her life to care for her mom last year. But I don't believe she is being called to "take care of Dad" here in Glenside for the next five years. Ask HIM to show her what HE has for her in this new year.
A familiar passage came to mind as the year began. In Joel 2.25 God promises, "I will make up to you for the years the swarming locust has eaten." In one sense we helped Nancy reap the sweet harvest of her homegoing, but there have several years in which many dreams were swallowed up. I am trusting that God will grant a season of fruitbearing in some other fields.
At World Harvest. I will continuing to mobilize the next generation, traveling a bit again, and doing some long-delayed fund raisng.
Here on Easton Road. I continue working on the routine of doing life without Nancy's helpful presence. It is also time to deal with some neglected projects around the house. During the year I will be praying about whether I want to continue living in the place so full of Nancy's influence, rent it out, sell it or...whatever.
With the writing project. I do want to see if a book is rattling around somewhere inside this computer. I need the proper time spot and a safe place to work on the revisions.
At New Life Church. I actually began a scheduled sabbatical as an elder last March and I am pondering what role I am am meant to play in the life of the congregation as the year rolls along.
Reconfiguring my social and relational life. Most who know the story, know that my relational world has shrunk over the last few years. While my years on the farm have left me with appreciation for solitude, I am also fairly addicted to bursts of intense human interaction. Seriously, I know that I will never escape the valley of grief by myself. So, what does that mean? In 2009 I must resolutely move toward people, and trust HIM for the emotional energy that requires.
Finally, there is my close buddy and current housemate KJ. She laid down her life to care for her mom last year. But I don't believe she is being called to "take care of Dad" here in Glenside for the next five years. Ask HIM to show her what HE has for her in this new year.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The Dance Goes On!
The Mummers Parade. It's a Philadelphia thing. If you are not from here, if you're not born here, you just don't get it. What's the deal with a bunch of adults donning garish costumes and "strutting" their way around town? Yeah, it's weird, but it does constitute a legitimate way to celebrate the landmark event of a new year. Nevertheless, dancing in public takes a kind of outlandish courage.
Nancy became a legend in World Harvest during our 2006 Greece Conference. After the program each evening we would gather in a recreation spot. The area included a little dance area complete with DJ and pathetic rotating disco ball. The first night I was sitting at a table chewing the fat with some of the other guys. Suddenly this radiant woman appeared before me and demanded, "Come on, let's dance!" My request that she give me a moment to finish my beverage was quickly swept aside as she downed the contents of the glass. Quickly. A second later, we glided out on the dance floor and spent every evening that week cutting up in front of the entire mission.
Everybody enjoyed watching Nancy living it up in Greece, but nobody else could appreciate what unfolded as much as I did. For many years she was unwilling to get on a dance floor. Certain kinds of public attention terrified her. So, we more or less avoided those situations. That week in Greece she was telling "our missionary order" that Christ had transformed her into a carefree girl who was ready to dance with her groom. And her performance gladdened the hearts of all who watched! She was a vision of joy, this middle aged grandma with the flaming red hair and impish grin.
So, how does that freedom and joy play out now that she is celebrating a new year with Jesus?
During those hard days she lingered at Keystone House I drove back and forth listening again and again to the song, "Imagine." The chorus asks:
Nancy became a legend in World Harvest during our 2006 Greece Conference. After the program each evening we would gather in a recreation spot. The area included a little dance area complete with DJ and pathetic rotating disco ball. The first night I was sitting at a table chewing the fat with some of the other guys. Suddenly this radiant woman appeared before me and demanded, "Come on, let's dance!" My request that she give me a moment to finish my beverage was quickly swept aside as she downed the contents of the glass. Quickly. A second later, we glided out on the dance floor and spent every evening that week cutting up in front of the entire mission.
Everybody enjoyed watching Nancy living it up in Greece, but nobody else could appreciate what unfolded as much as I did. For many years she was unwilling to get on a dance floor. Certain kinds of public attention terrified her. So, we more or less avoided those situations. That week in Greece she was telling "our missionary order" that Christ had transformed her into a carefree girl who was ready to dance with her groom. And her performance gladdened the hearts of all who watched! She was a vision of joy, this middle aged grandma with the flaming red hair and impish grin.
So, how does that freedom and joy play out now that she is celebrating a new year with Jesus?
During those hard days she lingered at Keystone House I drove back and forth listening again and again to the song, "Imagine." The chorus asks:
Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing “Hallelujah!”? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine.
I can only imagine.
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing “Hallelujah!”? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine.
I can only imagine.
Those words sustained me as I assured myself that she "would have the answers real soon." She does, but if she had a choice, I think she choose to dance with her Bridegroom.
Rock on, Lady! I will dance here for now.
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