Can I Rest Along the Way?

As I go through yet another uncertain stretch in this journey, I am drawn again to struggle with my longing for clear definition. My Father has granted me few instances of clear sailing the last few years. He continues to say, "Walk with me. I know the way forward. You just lean back and let me drive." Trying to apply that lesson lead me to ponder this quote from "The Finishers Project." Continue to pray that I get the "all clear" on cancer this month. But join me in resting in HIS care as we continue the ride, and help me remember:

"Most of us tend to be time-oriented and linear in our thinking. We easily see things laid out on a timetable, moving from left to right. The left end is where we are currently and the right is where we want to be...our goal...the target. We also like to see the line as free from obstacles as possible. A clean, straight line means we will have an easier, faster time getting to our desired goal. Bumps, curves and barriers along the line are things to be removed and avoided in order to hit the target. The most important part is the goal at the end. This is what we desire and anything getting in the way is not desirable. This is common sense and easy to understand. We all accept it. We all endorse it. It's the way we were taught to look at our future and achieve our goals. There is another way. It tends to see the journey as just as important as the end. What might be seen as obstacles can be seen as benefits. They are actually helping to fulfill the goal, but because we are focused on our particular target, we do not see the connection between overcoming the obstacle and the goal it is trying to achieve. Sometimes we refer to this perspective as a "kingdom perspective." It is seeing God's goals for what he wants us to "be", not what we want to "do." God is always about the journey. Yes, the journey is going somewhere, but the getting there is what he uses..."

Building a Case for Health

This latest health scare has led me to do some pleading with the Father.


I am trying to avoid resigning myself to some sort of tragic outcome. I have been encouraged to steer clear of believing that "Murphy's Law" applies here.


So, today I started building this list of reasons I want to get the "all clear" and move on with life.

They include:

1. I don't want my kids to face the serious illness of another parent.


2. My grand kids could use an Ampa.


3. I have failed to "reproduce myself" in my current WHM position and I want to train a "recruiting Timothy."


4. I learned a lot on Dan and Nancy's journey that I want to impart to others.


5. I want to write The Book. (Maybe that is 4b....but it's my list)


6. I just want a break on this journey. A time to go to the Phillies games, sit on the sofa and eat popcorn while watching dumb movies and generally enjoy simple stuff.


7. I would love to help plant another church by walking alongside a gifted young leader.


8. New possibilities have been planted that I would love to harvest.

Okay, so it's not a top ten list. Pick two reasons of your own if you know me well enough. But it is part of the brief I am presenting to my Advocate before the Father. He has pleaded my case before, substituting His goodness for my guilt. I trust HIM to represent me well as this thing unfolds.

Another Biopsy Coming

This morning my doctor told me that my PSA score had not fallen enough to avoid another biopsy. "I am 90% sure that you are okay. But with this score, I have to do this. Sorry."

On the one hand, this means that we are going to proceed on an aggressive diagnostic path. On the other hand, I can't put the word "routine" in front of the word "biopsy" these days.

The test is set for Wednesday, February 18. Results should follow in a week or so.

I have been having some serious arguments with the Lord over this. After all, we have been through so much, learned so much and even begun to dream again about what a new chapter could look like. Now this.

Of course, this triggers a voice that reminds me that I want to write this book about seeing that God can sustain you when the thing you fear the most takes place. Then, a test score remains high and my worry meter goes off the chart. Okay, so I haven't perfectly learned those things. I am still learning the same lesson yet again: The only way to get through life is to trust HIM, not for the circumstances, but for the grace to take the next step. Lord, teach me yet again.

One more thing: This morning a friend challenged me not to try to be "strong" right now. Good advice. Let me admit it : Tonight I am weak, afraid, and uncomfortable. I need your prayers to keep me resting on HIM alone. Can you come along for the ride?

And while I was away.

I had a chance to unplug for a couple of days while attending a retreat for the elders of New Life Church. It was wonderful to step back, do some writing and reflect on new possibilities in a beautiful country setting. Not many specific plans emerged from that time, just many new hopes and dreams some reclaimed promises from HIS word like:

For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light we see light

Psalm 36:9

...and some fears

You see my doctor's appointment is tomorrow. (It was rescheduled by the doctor.) I will learn where I stand on a health issue that I have been dealing with since fall. Pray for me to rest on the Rock as I battle the uncertainty of life in this new chapter.

Intersecting Anniversaries

Anniversaries intersect often as you make this journey.

1. Earlier this week we remembered the sudden departure of Jessica a vibrate young WHM missionary who lost her life in a car accident while attending pre-field training in Colorado.
2. Two years ago tomorrow my friend and fellow elder Al went home after battling cancer.
3. A year ago tomorrow Nancy began chemo in the futile attempt to keep that Unwelcome Visitor at bay.

Remembering these dear ones stirs memories of loss and sadness, but also the strong and strange bonds forged by suffering.

1. Jess's mom Cindy remains one of my primary encouragers as I travel this path. Her comments and emails are drenched with compassionate understanding.
2. Al's daughter Becky has worked with me at WHM throughout Nancy's sharp descent and homegoing. She is someone who gets it; she totally understands what the journey is like. And she has remained a good buddy who frequently shares laughter, memories, shuffleboard, prayer and tears.

I hate the losses the three of us have borne, I rage against the pain we share, I long for the final victory over death itself.

And I rejoice in our companionship in sorrow and hope, knowing that the pain of this week will soon be erased by the Day of HIS Return!

Slinging the Seed, Seeing the Spouts

Seed sowing is interesting. You really don't know what's going to happen because it is up to God. You sling it out there and you see what grows.

This afternoon I picked up the phone to find Sarah telling me, "I felt moved to call you. Somehow either my husband or I signed up for your prayer letter. It has encouraged us. We keep thinking about missions and decided we should give you a call to see if WHM would be a good fit for us."

It seems that when I spoke to a class at Lancaster Bible College six years ago her husband Michael signed up for my prayer letter. Nothing special seemed to happen that day. It was a long drive to cover an early class populated by young folks just beginning to dream the dream. Six years later the phone rang.

I don't know what will happen with these guys. They may never be led to join us or someday they may lead a team to Pakistan. But today I was encouraged. Tonight I am reminded that sowing the seeds of Kingdom vision is always a worthwhile task.

Leaning and Learning

I used to be afraid to be around suffering folks. Scared that I wouldn't know what to do or say. That it it took some special knowledge, special grace, special wisdom to walk that close to pain. Well, it is good it is good to know what what to say, what to do, what to try, what not do, say or try. You can learn a little of that stuff with experience. But to move toward suffering takes nothing more than leaning that way.

Just this weekend, I was with two people I hold very dear. Each of them has given me more than I could ever say. Each of them face a unique hurt. But I have been near their kind of deep pain before. And I found HIS presence, HIS comfort, HIS courage, and HIS compassion each step along the way. So, tonight I promise that I will stay with both of these friends simply to remind them that our Suffering Savior walks with us, and by his stripes they will be healed. Leaning toward their sorrow, I will find comfort for my own.