Dr. Meller thinks that I have an infection. So, he is extending the antibiotic treatment and wants me to see him in December. No guarantees, but this is more optimistic than I expected.
Once again I have to live with uncertainty. Why do I still find this hard? Why do I struggle to believe HE is good ALL the Time?
Pray for these nasty symptoms to abate, pray for healing pray for my faith.
PS-----Today we also give thanks for Lucia! She is 2 today!!! What a wonderful family we have.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Has it been two months, or 2000 years?
After Dad went Home I tried to call my mom on the anniversary of his death to let her know I remembered, that I was praying. On the 2 year anniversary call I remarked, "It doesn't seem like two years."
"Oh yes it does!" came her response.
Nancy went home two months ago today, and I now fully understand what Mom said about how slowly time passes once you lose your mate. It feels like decades since we were frying a turkey together last Thanksgiving, celebrating a Phillies's win, or I was watching her draw her last breath. Each day seems hours old before I make it out the door to work, and some of the evenings pass like weeks.
At the same time, I often wake up expecting to find her next to me, think of things to tell her driving home for work and hope to find her there when I walk in the door. It seems like just yesterday we were texting back and forth about a Friday night date. (I can't bear to delete one of those messages just yet.)
So, the valley of grief is a place where time itself seems distorted. Some moments are fleeting, others never end. But then again, our experience is myopic. Perhaps we actually gain glimpses of HIS perspective as we travel this Valley. After all, Peter reminds us that "with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day." Once again I see how Nancy is leading me to admit how very little I understand about reality after all. I am also certain her perspective on this earthly separation is currently far wiser, far more informed than mine.
Meanwhile, time feels further distorted as I am 24 hours away from seeing the specialist. Pray that I can know HIS presence as I begin the next mile with Dr. Meller FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 @ 11:30 AM, EASTERN TIME.
"Oh yes it does!" came her response.
Nancy went home two months ago today, and I now fully understand what Mom said about how slowly time passes once you lose your mate. It feels like decades since we were frying a turkey together last Thanksgiving, celebrating a Phillies's win, or I was watching her draw her last breath. Each day seems hours old before I make it out the door to work, and some of the evenings pass like weeks.
At the same time, I often wake up expecting to find her next to me, think of things to tell her driving home for work and hope to find her there when I walk in the door. It seems like just yesterday we were texting back and forth about a Friday night date. (I can't bear to delete one of those messages just yet.)
So, the valley of grief is a place where time itself seems distorted. Some moments are fleeting, others never end. But then again, our experience is myopic. Perhaps we actually gain glimpses of HIS perspective as we travel this Valley. After all, Peter reminds us that "with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day." Once again I see how Nancy is leading me to admit how very little I understand about reality after all. I am also certain her perspective on this earthly separation is currently far wiser, far more informed than mine.
Meanwhile, time feels further distorted as I am 24 hours away from seeing the specialist. Pray that I can know HIS presence as I begin the next mile with Dr. Meller FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 @ 11:30 AM, EASTERN TIME.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Reflections from Foggy Bottom
On a foggy night, the low lying areas are the most deeply affected. As I continue my walk in the valley, I feel like I am surrounded by clouds just now. The mist is pretty thick.
My zeal to look ahead is waning, I don' t have my usual interest in peering into the future. Planning beyond today seems pointless, especially as I face the possibility of illness and treatment. This is problematic when my work at WHM involves envisioning people for future ministry.
While eternity is closer with Nancy's departure, heaven still seems beyond my understanding, hidden in the midst. I can't see it's shape or colors; I can only hope that the clouds will be rolled back before I have to travel to that Land myself.
My zeal to look ahead is waning, I don' t have my usual interest in peering into the future. Planning beyond today seems pointless, especially as I face the possibility of illness and treatment. This is problematic when my work at WHM involves envisioning people for future ministry.
While eternity is closer with Nancy's departure, heaven still seems beyond my understanding, hidden in the midst. I can't see it's shape or colors; I can only hope that the clouds will be rolled back before I have to travel to that Land myself.
For now, we see in a mirror dimly, but then we will see facee to face.
Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:12
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Down for the Count?
I just exchanged a couple of emails with a friend who is also walking a hard path through the valley of grief. He described his last few years as a boxing match. Each loss feels like another round in the ring. Doug then pointed to 2 Corinthians 4:8, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
Right now, as I grieve the recent past, endure some funky symptoms in the present, and await the next round of doctor's visits in the future, I feel like I am "on the canvas." Pray that He will help me get back on my feet. The contest is not over.
Right now, as I grieve the recent past, endure some funky symptoms in the present, and await the next round of doctor's visits in the future, I feel like I am "on the canvas." Pray that He will help me get back on my feet. The contest is not over.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Out of gas, Out of courage
I came home last night to a call from Dr. Cowan informing me that my PSA score had doubled since April. So, today I started a round of antibiotics to combat the possibility of an infection.
Meanwhile, I will see a specialist a week from today. I don't need to tell my middle aged readers that this reading raises the possibility of cancer once again. It will take some time to sort out this latest development. So, I face a month of treatments, tests, and uncertainty.
How am I doing? I feel too dizzy to stand, much less walk. Right now, I like the idea of staying in bed for the next four weeks, only getting up for the required doctor's ppointments. Hopefully, tomorrow I will begin to regain my balance. But right now the tank is empty. Only HE can fill it as I travel the next mile.
Meanwhile, I will see a specialist a week from today. I don't need to tell my middle aged readers that this reading raises the possibility of cancer once again. It will take some time to sort out this latest development. So, I face a month of treatments, tests, and uncertainty.
How am I doing? I feel too dizzy to stand, much less walk. Right now, I like the idea of staying in bed for the next four weeks, only getting up for the required doctor's ppointments. Hopefully, tomorrow I will begin to regain my balance. But right now the tank is empty. Only HE can fill it as I travel the next mile.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
drowning the din
Two weeks ago at the WHM leadership retreat Hunter Dockery reminded us the march of the Redeemer in history is the restoration of order to a chaotic universe. The last week or so I have heard the din from my internal chaos , have acted in chaotic fashion, and feel unable to restore order to my soul. Returning to work structures the day, but the chorus of chaos builds after 5pm. That din can drive me in a score of crazy directions better left unmentioned. I miss Nancy's soothing presence in my life and in our house most at night, the time when I am no longer Dan the Missions Mobilizer.
In the last week I have reached out to a couple of wise brothers to help me think through how to bring order to some of this chaos. Meanwhile, KJ and I have enjoyed some very sweet time together as well. But I know that I must learn to listen more intently. For that still, small voice. The One that says, "I am with you always, even to end of the age." Pray the HE blows the wax out of my ears.
In the last week I have reached out to a couple of wise brothers to help me think through how to bring order to some of this chaos. Meanwhile, KJ and I have enjoyed some very sweet time together as well. But I know that I must learn to listen more intently. For that still, small voice. The One that says, "I am with you always, even to end of the age." Pray the HE blows the wax out of my ears.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Service Download
Yesterday a dear friend asked if there was a recording of Nancy's service. That prompted me to remember that I had not posted the link to an audio file WHM made availible to our mission family.
The link is noted in our Director's email to the mission family. I am sure you will also appreciate Bob's kind words as well as the chance to hear the service for yourself
From Bob Osborne:
Dear World Harvest Family,
I called a WHMer in Africa last week, only to find that she and a teammate had just met up to pray for Nancy Macha. What a sweet picture of fellowship in our mission family. At Nancy’s memorial service, Hunter Dockery (WHM board member and Ireland teammate of the Macha’s) spoke of the koinonia that comes from serving together in God’s Kingdom. He said, “There’s a kind of fellowship that comes from sitting around a pub or café together, but then there’s another kind, the kind that comes from throwing all that you have into a common venture and giving it all you’ve got.” Nancy’s memorial was a powerful testimony to the depth of the bonds that grow as we lay down our lives together for the world’s good and God’s glory.
I know many of you would have loved to have been there, and many were praying from far away. It was a bit of a WHM family reunion for those who could make it: Sending Center staff, WHM adult MKs, the Bartkoviches, Millers, Elwoods, Smallmans, Dockerys, Anguses, and other friends and family from early WHM and New Life Glenside days. Hunter gave a great message, full of the Gospel, and a picture of how God moved in Nancy’s life from their time in Ireland to now. Since you all have been following their journey through the blog, we thought it would be important to send the audio recording of the service, including Josh Macha’s tribute to Nancy. You can download the audio file at: http://www.mediafire.com/?9zau6msgil1
The link is noted in our Director's email to the mission family. I am sure you will also appreciate Bob's kind words as well as the chance to hear the service for yourself
From Bob Osborne:
Dear World Harvest Family,
I called a WHMer in Africa last week, only to find that she and a teammate had just met up to pray for Nancy Macha. What a sweet picture of fellowship in our mission family. At Nancy’s memorial service, Hunter Dockery (WHM board member and Ireland teammate of the Macha’s) spoke of the koinonia that comes from serving together in God’s Kingdom. He said, “There’s a kind of fellowship that comes from sitting around a pub or café together, but then there’s another kind, the kind that comes from throwing all that you have into a common venture and giving it all you’ve got.” Nancy’s memorial was a powerful testimony to the depth of the bonds that grow as we lay down our lives together for the world’s good and God’s glory.
I know many of you would have loved to have been there, and many were praying from far away. It was a bit of a WHM family reunion for those who could make it: Sending Center staff, WHM adult MKs, the Bartkoviches, Millers, Elwoods, Smallmans, Dockerys, Anguses, and other friends and family from early WHM and New Life Glenside days. Hunter gave a great message, full of the Gospel, and a picture of how God moved in Nancy’s life from their time in Ireland to now. Since you all have been following their journey through the blog, we thought it would be important to send the audio recording of the service, including Josh Macha’s tribute to Nancy. You can download the audio file at: http://www.mediafire.com/?9zau6msgil1
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