Relief and Reproach

Interview day makes me feels like a dad waiting outside of the delivery room while his wife is in labor. After conducting a devotion on Mark 5:1-20---with special emphasis on vs. 19 and 20--I turn the candidates over to our interview teams for the day. I sorta pace around, do emails, make sure we keep on schedule and read preliminary reports. Hopefully by Thursday they will have made it through to appointment and will be in the hands of member care and I will begin focusing my team on the March prospects. But tomorrow morning beginning at 8 I will facilitate conference calls with team leaders as we try to formalize our decisions.

I have enjoyed this week immensely. A&O is the culmination of lots of hard work---a kind of harvest time, as well as a time of intense activity. Not since September '07 have I worked an A&O week without Nancy's illness hanging over us. I have found myself glad to be at this work without that burden---and then I catch myself. In one sense, I am not glad at all. I reproach myself for this odd sense of relief. And then I remember that such ambivalence is another part of this journey---each step brings a new and strange emotion across my path.

Out of the Office and into the Woods

The first day of A&O we continue to get to know one another. A series of presentations in the morning lets our candidates know us better.

In the afternoon we do a couple of group activities. The group managed to eliminate the entire population of Philadelphia by mishandling "Toxic Waste." But then they survived in the Northern Canadian woods in "Plane Crash." So, they batted .500. Seriously, a very good day. I love this stuff.

Dinner and Dreams

Progress in this season often comes from reclaiming my place in activities I love. Our WHM recruiting process climaxes in quarterly events called "A&O Week. Tonight we began the last A&O week of 2008 and the first I have done since Nancy went Home.

There were lingering memories of her as we gathered the candidates for dessert, storytelling and prayer. But there was also healing and hope. Nine people told us of their dreams of participating in our work around the world. More people are joining us on the road. I am reminded that the journey goes on, the path leads forward, and there is hope of reaching the other side of the valley.

No Denying It

I kept hearing that it is imporant to "move past denial" as I travel the valley of grief. For quite some time, that advice made no sense to me. I already knew that Nancy had gone Home. Had I not watched her draw her last breath? Had I not stood by her casket the night of the viewing and greeted friends who came to share our loss? So, what was moving past denial supposed to mean anyway?

Maybe this week I started to get it. I am moving past denial when I stop stuffing the church bulletin in my pocket Sunday morning because she won't want to read it later. I am moving past denial when I get in my car after work and start sobbing each night because she won't be there to greet me when I get home. Moving past denial requires me to sit in the lobby and screw up my courage before joining the office Christmas party alone.

Moving past denial has taken me into a dark part of this valley. But, it is a a place I must visit to get to the other side. This is a place that only His presence can illuminate. I think I can glimpse His Light leading me on.

Practical Petitions

1. Someone is moving into 315 this weekend! Our rental property 2 doors down had been vacant since August 30, so it's nice to have that pressure off. Pray that we will be good neighbors.
2. As I mentioned earlier, projects are piling up around the house. Pray that we can begin to sort through some of this backlog.
3. This is my first "post-Nancy Christmas shopping season." Pray for joy and discernment as I shop for the family.
4. The symptoms that sent me to a specialist a few weeks ago seem to have cleared up through antibiotics. I will take a blood test and see him next week. Pray for the encouraging developments to be confirmed that I have had an infection, not cancer.
5. Our Mobilization team is preparing to host nine new missionary candidates for A&O Week beginning Sunday. Pray for us to care for this crew wisely and warmly.

Opening the Doors to the Season of Hope

Christmas has always been a magical time for me, my favorite time of the year. I remember Christmas programs from grade school, candlelight services at Delia Presbyterian Church and chaotic Christmas mornings of gift opening as a kid. More recently, I remember building that wonder into our growing family, Christmas Eve performances at Glenside, and the special joy I took in shopping for Nancy.

A couple of years ago, Nancy found an awesome Advent calendar. It found pride of place on the mantle each December 1. Each day we opened another door as Christmas approached. Again last year Nancy and I dutifully kept the vigil going, even as the spectre of cancer loomed over our celebration. We opened the doors, and read the passages laid out in an Advent guide published by New Life Church.
This year I also refuse to let go of the wonder. We will open the doors each day. We will remind ourselves that He came once before to reverse the curse. He will return once again to restore all things.

goodbye & hello

Saturday night was special. KJ and I were invited to a dinner party hosted by Talitha Brauer. She and her family were old teammates and friends from our years in Ireland. Talitha has done internships with us, and then lived in the Philly area since college. In fact, she, Leah and Monica lived just two doors down from us during a fun and wacky year.

Lynn and TK remembering the Story

Now TK is headed to Prague to work with our ministry there. She is one of a growing number of second generation WHM--ers. To celebrate, she gathered a few of us together for a preliminary farewell to Philly night. There was plenty of good food, laughter and classic Talitha stories as we sat around the table that night.

Once again the Grand Cause is provoking a round of tearful farewells. They never get easier as Lynn L noted that night. But these are partings with purpose. He calls to "let goods and kindred go" that we might introduce others to the One we follow. So, truly Saturday was about saying goodbye to TK with the hope that someday we might say hello to others who have joined her --and us on the journey that leads safely home.

To the King and His Cause!