Opening the Doors to the Season of Hope

Christmas has always been a magical time for me, my favorite time of the year. I remember Christmas programs from grade school, candlelight services at Delia Presbyterian Church and chaotic Christmas mornings of gift opening as a kid. More recently, I remember building that wonder into our growing family, Christmas Eve performances at Glenside, and the special joy I took in shopping for Nancy.

A couple of years ago, Nancy found an awesome Advent calendar. It found pride of place on the mantle each December 1. Each day we opened another door as Christmas approached. Again last year Nancy and I dutifully kept the vigil going, even as the spectre of cancer loomed over our celebration. We opened the doors, and read the passages laid out in an Advent guide published by New Life Church.
This year I also refuse to let go of the wonder. We will open the doors each day. We will remind ourselves that He came once before to reverse the curse. He will return once again to restore all things.

goodbye & hello

Saturday night was special. KJ and I were invited to a dinner party hosted by Talitha Brauer. She and her family were old teammates and friends from our years in Ireland. Talitha has done internships with us, and then lived in the Philly area since college. In fact, she, Leah and Monica lived just two doors down from us during a fun and wacky year.

Lynn and TK remembering the Story

Now TK is headed to Prague to work with our ministry there. She is one of a growing number of second generation WHM--ers. To celebrate, she gathered a few of us together for a preliminary farewell to Philly night. There was plenty of good food, laughter and classic Talitha stories as we sat around the table that night.

Once again the Grand Cause is provoking a round of tearful farewells. They never get easier as Lynn L noted that night. But these are partings with purpose. He calls to "let goods and kindred go" that we might introduce others to the One we follow. So, truly Saturday was about saying goodbye to TK with the hope that someday we might say hello to others who have joined her --and us on the journey that leads safely home.

To the King and His Cause!

A Season on the Brink

Nancy left me three months ago today. A season has passed without her. Here are a few contradictions, and conclusions as I review the season just past.

I am even gladder that we helped her to end her journey well, but sadder she is not walking beside me still.

Perhaps I most miss being with her without having to be “on” for her. Can I ever find other places “not to be on?”

I miss having a companion in silence. Where and how do you replace that companion and friend?

I am still learning things about her. Why does that surprise me? Perspective brings insight, I suppose.

I often hate being alone, I frequently come apart in groups.

I want to be with friends who can help me remember and mourn, I sometimes want to be with people who never knew me as one half of "Dan and Nancy."

People say that they want to help, I don’t know how to tell them to help

I have noticed that being invited over meals feels good, having someone come over---bringing a meal along---feels even better.

The sound of a loving voice is far more encouraging than the sight of an email or Facebook message.

I am becoming more productive, but I have more days when I just want to stay in bed.

I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of grief; the end of the road through this valley is not yet in sight.

I know God didn’t take Nancy home “so that” I would grow closer to Him, but I must grow closer to Him to heal the wound of her passing.

I want time to pass so that it will bring healing, I want time to end and cease the need for healing.

A Fulton Thanksgiving

It was good to come to Fulton. The long drive on Thursday morning gave me time and space to weep, to pray, to give thanks. Jonah found a spot on my lap shortly after I got there. That felt good. Chris's family welcomed me to their dinner table. The fire was warm, the food good.

We have also done some early Christmas shopping and talked about what Christmas Day can look like this year. Leah and I have also had some special time together to grieve. We process things in much the same way so, this was also good stuff.It all felt so different. Far removed from last year's "Fried Turkey Thanksgiving." And that felt safe.

This morning I awoke thanking him that every Thanksgiving from 1974 through 2007 included Nancy. This one did, too; she just ate at a different table. Still, I missed her at mine.

Fried Turkey Thanksgiving

November 22, 2007 dawned sunny and unusually warm. Shirtsleeve weather. After our traditional Thanksgiving sharing time at New Life Church we headed home to prepare the feast. I had lobbied for years before we were finally ready to take a dangerous step---we were going to fry the turkey. (Earlier I had purchased the necessary fryer and peanut oil.) It was a perfect day to fire that cooker up in the back yard. Chris and I stood watch over the proceedings throughout, keeping the hot cooking oil and the little kids away from one another. At the appropriate time, Nancy came out to pronounce the bird ready for carving. Then we sat down to the best turkey dinner ever surrounded by most of our family. It was also the last holiday we were to enjoy before cancer completely engulfed us.

When I study these pictures, I see a woman who had come into our own. Gone was the shy scared little girl who faced terrible attention on many holidays. She had been rescued. She had been transformed. The fear had receded, replaced by the freedom to dye her hair brilliant red, and to take a chance on a new way of preparing the Thanksgiving turkey. I see a woman whose journey was almost complete, save one last round of suffering and liberation.

I will always treasure the memory of our “fried turkey Thanksgiving.” I hang on to Thanksgiving 2007, even as the kids and I face Thanksgiving 2008 without the woman who always made a holiday sunny and warm.

Thanks Team!

After Tuesday prayer the WHM staff gathered for a Thanksgiving lunch. It was a time to affirm our common bond, and thank HIM for his blessings to us as a mission. It is wonderful to share the advancement of the Grand Cause with good friends.

As I walk through this season of celebration and sadness, I am thankful to be among folks who know me, and help me to keep moving ahead. They remain at my side as I swing through the highs and lows of this strange path.

Redefining the Holidays

And now we are entering a treacherous part of the journey. Thursday will bring the first major holiday since Nancy went home. During the next few weeks we will be working at redefining the meaning of the word "holiday," even as the word "family" is reconfigured. We are trying to give new meanings to both those words, without the visible presence of the woman whose hospitality and warmth gave so much content to both terms.

Pray for us to keep moving toward one another, support one another and love one another, even as life itself is redefined.