piling up, looking up

I started this week tired from the weekend. But as I told KJ it is good to feel tired from work rather than wrung out from grieving. Nevertheless, "fatigue makes cowards of us all" according to Vince Lombardi. No big surprise that I feel a dearth of courageous faith.

It's dawning on me that even in the new normal of this valley, I simply have more to do than I did in October 2007. Things have a way of piling up around the house, the pantry eventually empties out, etc. Meanwhile, the rental property that we own two doors up the street has been empty since the day Nancy died and we still need tenants. The major projects that were put on hold when she got sick shout loud reminders of our entrance into the valley of death and grieving. And the uncertain nature of my health forces me to lean tentatively into the future.

I would ask for prayer on how to navigate the complaints of the last paragraph with faith and joy. Today's compass reading came from Psalm 123:2

"As the eyes of the slaves look toward the master, as the eyes of a maid look to the the hands of her mistress so our eyes look to the LORD our God, till he shows us his mercy"

Ask HIM to adjust my eye levels that I might look past the piles of unmet tasks, to the One who promises mercies for the valley.

Weekend Wanderings

I drove back from yesterday after meeting a couple of guys in Starbuck's. I spent part of the four hour drive from Harrisonburg listening to the music of Les Mes. The stirring music and the story of redemption, healing and reconciliation has always moved me, but this was the first time I had dared to revisit it since Nancy came home.

The inspiration that I always felt to love my wounded partner was replaced by the tearful realization that we have moved further into the story. There is sweetness in knowing Nancy has escaped the loneliness and exploitation of this place. There is bitterness in knowing that our time together seemed brief and incomplete. I long for to be in that final act, "where chains will never bind me." But I realize that the timing of that last song is up to HIM.

This morning I team taught a missions course with my boss Carolyn. I gave the the perspective from the Great Plains. She expressed insights from North of the Border. Thus, we provided a rich and diverse perspective on the history and vision of WHM. Seriously, I think we worked well together.

Then I jumped in the car and headed to Bridge Church to hear our Josh preach on "Living in the Light of Heaven." It must have stretched him to visit this topic as he tries to make sense of the departure of his mom. But his transparency was winsome, and his insights were deep.

The evening included pizza with friends from church and an exhibition of a good friend's photography. KJ had helped Linda hang her vivid presentation of "The Color of Poverty" around the world.

Memories of the past weave with the activities of the present to suggest the shape of the future. And so goes another weekend's walk through this valley.

We "tag teamed" the talk

As always happens before a major event. There were challenges to overcome. I awoke to a return of the troubling symptoms. Fortunately, Nancy and I had walked through many such distractions on our way to vineyards. So, we walked to the edge of this pool and dove in.

I am exhausted. Spent. Vulnerable. But it is good to have emptied myself for HIM this day.

Tonight Nancy and I spoke in front of 300 college students. I meant that. Nancy and I spoke because 34 years ago she courageously told me that "God is the Center of my life" on our first date. As Josh said, "she spent 34 years discipling Dad." Nancy and I spoke because this lady who never craved the limelight prayed me through every one of my talks. Nancy and I spoke because our story of HIS faithfulness through the end was part of my exhortation to the students to plunge headlong into the Rivers of God's blessing.

So, what was the impact? I could share a couple of anecdotes, but the fruit of any talk is not really harvested for decades. All in I know is that I gave it everything I had tonight. How could I do less? After all, I was speaking for two! She shaped the words, I just spoke 'em.

A couple more steps along the valley road

We have had a few glimpses of life in the Land of the New Normal the past few days.

KJ finished a number of bags that are now on display at Elcy's. (Not too early for Christmas shopping.) If you are in the area stop by and shop!!!

My external symptoms seem to be responding to the antibiotics. So, I am hopeful about an upturn in my health.

I am on my way to James Madison University to speak at a Friday evening gathering of Inter Varsity students. This will be my first speaking trip since Nancy has gone home. It will be good to talk about the One who leads us into ever deeper into the waters that give us life as I walk the students through Ezekiel 47.....Ask HIM to show up and rescue them from the stall waters of apathy.

What About Dan?

In the spring of 2006 HE laid a very strange request on my heart. I began to ask God to give me the privilege of caring for my wife when she died. I had in mind that I would be there to care for her when her health failed in old age. HIS timetable was different. Little more than two years later Nancy went Home while I sat beside her. It was the saddest, richest and most fulfilling ministry that I have ever undertaken in HIS Name. I will always regard that chapter as a gift that spared Nancy the trauma of suffering alone.

But now I live with the aftermath of that ministry. The sense of loneliness made the last weeks feel like a trek on the Dark Side of the Moon. A few days ago I admitted that I have been facing a deep crisis of faith. God gave me grace to do many hard things once Nancy was sick and dying. The moments I felt like running, HE gave me the resolve to stay connected and caring. The numerous heartbreaking tasks that go with burying a mate were, by his grace completed. And the kids and I tearfully rejoiced that we had loved her HOME.

But my faith faltered over the question, "Who would take care of me as I age?" "How can I face a future illness without Nancy at my side?" The fear behind those questions reflected stark unbelief. I refused to believe that HE who empowered me to love Nancy through the valley would make provision for the inevitable crisis moments to come. You see how wicked such terror is?? The faith check is simple. Was I trusting God, or Nancy all these years? Do I trust the Father who sustained His Son when the apostles were scattered that terrible night before Jesus trial and execution?

But God makes provision for our frail hearts. This past week HE has put his arms around me in the form of friends who promised to help care for me if I got sick, to a child who said, "We promised Mom we would look after you," through co-workers who continue to forebear with me through dark moments or fellow elders who have breakfast with me and gaze into my soul.
And through His Word which reminds me that "HE chose us in Him before the foundation of the world." In the midst of this dark week, the words and tune of a contemporary Christian song somehow took root in my heart, and I find myself softly singing "God is good, all the time."

Because HE is my Rock and my Friend, I weathered that crisis of faith. Because HE is faithful, He will bring me through the next and the next, until HE brings ME Home.

The View from Ground Zero

Those cleaning up after 9-11 faced a huge task. They couldn't’t just realign the rubble and reconstruct the Twin Towers. Instead, they could only start cleaning up the debris and build something entirely new. It is still a work in progress.

This weekend I finally understood that I face a similar challenge. Nancy’s death removed the wonderful structure of our marriage. I can’t just rearrange a few details of life and go back to business as usual. No, every aspect of my life, from the way I relate to God, other people, spend my evenings, and organize the bedroom has been forever changed. It is a season to build something new.

Somehow this realization has helped. It has allowed me to “frame” this season, to make sense of it, to define the awesome scope, to admit that building a new structure for life might take years.

Our marriage was a tower of grace, a refuge and a joy. That wonderful dwelling was removed by its Architect this past summer. Now I must ask HIM to hand me the blueprints for a new life. This forces me to stretch out on the goodness of God.
I must rest in his promise that:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
His mercies never come to end.
They are new every morning.
Great is his faithfulness.

Those words were first expressed in Lamentations at a time when the city of Jerusalem was leveled. They are finding fulfillment as the New Jerusalem is still under construction.

the chain of life

I have five “kids” and five “grandkids.” Each bring uniquejoy to my soul. But when I am with Micah, I feel very close to his “Amma.”

That’s no surprise. Nancy spent much of her summer rebound reflecting on the perfect name for our latest grandchild. Just this week, I found that she had “favorited” a web page explaining the meaning of his name on the Internet. Last night I held him for ten minutes. It was like holding a little piece of Nancy. During that time, I tried to pray some of things I most loved about her into his life. I prayed that he would have her gentleness, her compassion, her childlike faith, and her passion for others to know the Master she served. I maintain this mystical conviction that she passed some of those qualities onto him when they laid side-by-side for twenty minutes the day he came home from the hospital, the day she went home to heaven.

Who knows about that? But it has been nine weeks ago today that she left this earth, and I am certain that I still do not want to let her go.